Tick Tock

Tick tock tick tock
The quiet ticking of the clock
The ticking that just won’t stop on this long and lonely ride

The businessman with a cell phone in hand
Listening to some corporate plan
While life passes him by

Tick tock tick tock

The lady with the silver hair, wooden cane in hand
Living with enough worries to spare
While life passes her by

Tick tock tick tock
The quiet ticking of the clock

The young boy holding his mommy’s hand
Wide eyes trained to the sky
Hoping life won’t pass him by

Author's Note

This is another older one. I wrote it sometime in January or February in creative writing club when our teacher told us to write about a bus. I don't like it too much, I think it needs something. What do you think?

Reviews

[East of Eden]

Interesting piece. I love the idea of strangers of different ages and genders sharing the same overpowering anxiety. For me, the ticking of the clock wasn't dynamic enoguh in showing the passage of time because a clock or a watch doesn't feature in any of the moments you've captured with your characters. Maybe if the boy watched the sunset, or the old lady sits on a bench and watches the people passing by, that would relate more directly to your poem. I love the idea and I think you should re-visit it.

[Jon Lattone]

I like the element of story telling in this, and the passages of time. It's quite visual too which is always helpful in poetry. It was just pleasant to read :) Good work.

[Jason]

I love the representation of the control time has over our lives, in this poem. It is subconscious with the tale of the story, but very present. Great job!!

[Marlena]

I liked it, but it felt like it should have gone on a little bit more.

[Anastasia Starlena]

If you really want an opinion on what I might do to make it better my line of thinking would be this.. Your words

Tick tock tick tock
I would add that under each stanzas in the middle verses.
Just for rhythm

Then move this one to the end. I think finishing it out would not leave it so hanging.
Tick tock tick tock
The quiet ticking of the clock
The ticking that just won't stop on this long and lonely ride

Then I would begin with this line.
Tick tock tick tock
The quiet ticking of the clock


So It might look like this.

Tick tock tick tock
The quiet ticking of the clock

The businessman with a cell phone in hand
Listening to some corporate plan
While life passes him by

Tick tock tick tock


The lady with the silver hair, wooden cane in hand
Living with enough worries to spare
While life passes her by

Tick tock tick tock


The young boy holding his mommy's hand
Wide eyes trained to the sky
Hoping life won't pass him by

Tick tock tick tock
The quiet ticking of the clock
The ticking that just won't stop on this long and lonely ride



You might try it and see. Just in my opinion it is a good piece and I hope you don't mind my help. Now remember it is only and opinion and I did enjoy reading it. Great piece.