I guess I did write for you

Written for my boyfriend.

i want to write for you

but my thoughts are not poetic right now.

i am still just thinking about what you said

and how you feel

and how hard it is for you

and how hard it is for me.

i am tired.

i spent an hour shaking

my stomach churning

my shoulders tight and my brows furrowed,

wondering if we would turn out okay.

then you began to cry

so i cried too.

i cried for the agony you are in

and how i cannot stop it

and you cannot stop it

and that there is nothing to blame except evolution

and genetics.

i cried because i hate that you suffer

and you want to die.

my therapist asked me what it is like

for me to want so much to live

and to be with someone who sometimes wants to die.

i wish you never felt that way.

i wish i could lift this curse you are under.

i wish i could help you more

and that i wouldn't make things worse instead.

i wish i aways knew how to help

and more importantly, be able to execute that help.

i wish i wasn't so afraid all the time

but that is my own curse.

this thing which stops me from doing things i want to do

or know i should do.

but tonight i was brave.

i told you how i felt even though i was afraid.

i told you that it is hard and i don't know if i can do it

but i want to try

and i want to keep trying

because i love you

and i don't want to be without you.

sometimes this is hard

for you

and for me

be it pain

or fear

at the end of the day

i always still want you.