Obstetrical

A peek into my mind

I sit here on my chair. My head tilted up, looking at my computer screen. Writerscafe is opened up. Blank page. More opportunities. But nothing comes into my mind. Then all my problems pop up. Im loosing the one thing i truly have a passion for, im behind on homework, Art is catching up to me, "Friendship" is biting me in the a*s. Love has betrayed me.

I go and stand in front of the mirror. I am disgusted with what i see. A fat lazy blob. I try singing, but my voice cracks. I fall to the ground and cry out. The tears dont ever stop. But the worst thing of all, is that i have no one to talk to. My parents will think im insane, along with all my family, my counselor will want me to see some "Professional". But worst of all i cant talk to any of my friends. Ever since HER. No, IT. Im alone. Rotting with my own thoughts. Writing has helped quite a lot. Letting it all out through tears and words. But now its gone. I thought it was writers block. But now i know its much, much more. I lost it. I cant write, i cant sing, i cant draw. Im left with nothing.

I think a lot about suicide. Ending it all. Letting myself rest. But people say heaven is all you want, but what if all you want is to stay on Earth? But then again Earth is my Personal Hell.

I pray. God help me. But no help comes. Im rotting in my own filth and rot. I deserve to die. Nothing Else.

Reviews

[Emunah June.]

Wow. This was harsh.

Okay, I shall attack this from a completely religious standpoint: God does help. He just answers with "Yes" "No" and "Wait". Please know that He loves you and does not take any pleasure from seeing you like this.

I understand the feeling. I know what it feels like to believe you're unwanted scum that no one would wish to befriend. But I can talk to you. :-) I'm on WC all the time (I'm an addict lol) and once I get to know you a bit more, we can exchange phone #s (or not. I understand if people are uncomfortable). If you're looking for a friend, I'm here with arms wide open. :-) I like listening to people's stress. Taking the burdens make me feel good.

This poem also reminds me of a J-Pop song titled "The Dissapearance of Hatsune Miku". The singer is a computer program, and in the song her master is uninstalling her and she sings her final goodbyes. She talks about how singing hurts her and she sounds nothing like she used to. At the end she is deleted, and you're left with a feeling of guilt and sadness. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is that where you were going with this too?

Yet another lengthy review... *ahem*

Welp, I may as well keep going. XD You're not filth, you're not in Hell. Life is what you make if out to be. All ya gotta do is think of the positives. :-)