fear and loathing on the farm

Fear and Loathing on the Farm

As I write, the sound of gunfire erupts in the distance: a large rodent (possibly) being exterminated by an irate farmer, who, incidentally, has just discovered that the .22 he's been shooting has a c**k-eyed sight.

Critters, varmints, pests…they’re everywhere. Watching, waiting, plotting, planning. Considering how many of them there are and the multitude of perfect hiding places they have, it can be downright frightening to one with an obsessive thought process such as myself. They come in all shapes and sizes and even those you believe to be perfectly innocent and non-threatening can be capable of severe damage…..given the proper circumstances. Maybe not very probable, but all the same, entirely possible.

For example, how about those cute little birdies that chirp so sweetly (tweet, tweet) and flutter about so carefreely, visiting birdbaths and feeders all around our humble homes? What if they were to suddenly become stricken with some vile illness? Avian Flu perhaps? It certainly has the potential to become a worldwide pandemic. Then what? That’s right, we’re fucked people, plain and simple.

Birds are potentially dangerous. They fly. Some fly very long distances. It’s known as migration. If a hummingbird in Mexico became contaminated before its long flight up north, it then becomes capable of wreaking some serious havoc along the way, doesn’t it?

If birds were armed with deadly viruses and bacteria rather than digested seeds, insects and berries, every drop of guano would be transformed into a dirty, disease-laden missile.

Do you know how small hummingbird s**t is? It’s tiny. You can’t even see it, really. So, how do you know if it hits you? You don’t, so you can’t even wash it off quickly to prevent the germs from spreading and getting into your person. Can you?

What if that delicious baby green salad you just shoveled into your face was tainted with microscopic hummingbird crap infected with the latest influenza bug? Maybe you washed the greens, but how do you know you got it if you can’t even see it?

Remember those cases of Fresh Express Salad (e.coli was it) It happens. It’s not so easy to prevent contamination, evidently. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12536902/

Given the fact that there are thousands of birds occupying a relatively small square of environment at any given time, one bird with a contagious virus can really do some major damage. And there is really no way to stop it, is there?

How about Canada Geese? Their population here in America has exploded to the point that they are now a regular sight just about everywhere. They crap all over the place and sometimes even create unsafe bathing conditions in our ponds and lakes. What the hell?

I guess getting a few laying hens is out, now. I don’t really like chickens anyway. It’s that nervous tick they all seem to have -- and the way they look at you sideways. I can’t trust anyone who looks at me sideways.

We can start to systematically destroy all birds (as well as any other potentially hazardous creatures) before it comes to Armageddon, of course…

Or we can sit back and wait.

Well, I, for one, don’t like the idea of having the blood of innocents on my hands, and I’m also a pretty lazy person, by nature, so I sit and wait.

While I sit and wait, I think about assorted other things like: do I know for certain that the farmer who uses pesticide across the way isn’t killing me and my family slowly and steadily; and do I know that my neighbors - who burn god knows what that is that smells so freaking bad in their garbage - aren’t poisoning the whole damned neighborhood? After serious reflection and analysis I reluctantly conclude that, no, I don’t. I don’t know much at all.

The law of probabilities does show us that something is bound to get us. We aren’t going to live forever, so something eventually will do us in.

How about insects? There are so many of them around, it’s mindboggling. We probably have multiple whole societies living right under our noses and we don’t even smell them.

Did that housefly just lay some eggs in your egg salad? Perhaps, my friend, perhaps.

Was that a coffee grind or was it a tiny sugar ant you just slurped up with the last gulp of your morning light and sweet?

Did that mosquito that left a bloody splatter mark when you squashed it on your ceiling this morning spend the night injecting you with Malaria or West Nile Virus? Maybe. Just maybe.

How about bees? Honey bees? We love them. We need them. Good God in heaven, ya’ll, we got to, got to have ‘em. They help the flowers grow and make honey. I, for one, just LOVE honey. Really, I do. I was actually thinking of raising some bees. Not a lot, just a hive or two, or box or two, but, I hesitate, because what if I somehow attract the WRONG kind of bee? What about the Africanized Honey Bees that are moving their way up to the northeast by way of (extended stay in) sunny Florida. They’ve been coming up this way for a long time, I know, but they’re still around and still swarming as recent news reports from Tampa confirm. If I put out a vacancy sign, how do I know I won’t receive visitors of the unwanted variety? Do I need them swarming my parents the next time they come to visit? No. I really don’t.

How about a nice cow? Nice milk, nice cream " ice cream. Mmmmm. How about Mad Cow Disease? MmmmooooNoooo!

How about a horse or a bunny or a good old housecat? How about Rabies, Lyme Disease or the various types of parasitic infestation? Who needs it? Who needs any of it?

Maybe what we need are personal bubbles we can wear around ourselves at all times. But, that won’t help us with the bacteria and viruses and parasites that are already in. Oh, they’re in! They’ve been with some of us from birth. Some viruses can live in a human host indefinitely and never even be detected and certain viruses only become activated under special conditions. Ticking time bombs we just might be, dear friends.

What if it’s the viruses and bacteria that are actually in charge here and we are nothing more than their living breathing shelter, food source and vehicle for transportation? Now, that is some scary s**t, indeed. Scary, but entirely possible, isn’t it?

That leaves us with no choice, really, but to do ourselves in…or not.

Preposterous as it might now seem, the only other viable option is to enjoy what we have, while we can. Maybe that’s really all we can or should ever do.

Maybe if I busy myself living I won’t obsess over how I’m going to die. That’s giving up control, I know, but ultimately, I also know I don’t really have any control, anyway, do I? Do you?