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Inappropriate Dialogue

Inappropriate Dialogue

A Story by Infamous Real

Alternate Title: "Hold Mine Beer"


Inappropriate Dialogue

a.k.a. Hold Mine Beer

© B.D. Ceary 2011

Lifelessly the old Dodge Charger sat in the front yard propped up on its axels by gray cinder blocks.  A legion of rust spots peeked their way through the orange panted exterior of the automobile.  Random clumps of tall grass grew up around the cinder blocks having been missed by the lawn mower on several occasions.  A simple weed whacker would have finish off the clumps but it had broken about two years ago and its cold dead untouched husk had been hanging in the storage shed ever since.  In the yard two lawn chairs sat facing a small round blue kiddy pool that was half filled with water.  A green garden house snaked its way around the basin of the kiddy pool causing ripples in the water’s surface from the ever flowing liquid.  In-between the two lawn chairs was a white folding plastic end table with a porcelain ashtray on top.  A plethora of cigarette butts stuck out from the ashtray like fingers reaching for the sky.

Sitting in the two lawn chairs were two men.  In each man’s hand was a white aluminum can of beer.  One man wore a tight pair of faded black jeans, a white t-shirt with a pocket on the left breast, and a gray baseball cap with a bold yellow number twenty-four stitched in the front.  This man was known by all who knew him as Jared P. Cline.  He was only in his early forties but he appeared to be much older.  His doughy gut lapped over his belt hiding most of the large brass buckle shaped to look like a confederate flag.  A lumpy double chin adorned the bottom half of his face and was covered in a thin coat of newly grown brown facial hair.  A thick pair of aviator sunglasses covered his eyes with its golden stems reaching back into the patches of frizzy unkempt hair that poked out from beneath the baseball cap. 

Beside Mr. Jared P. Cline was another man whom Jared referred to as Junior.  Jared referred to Junior as Junior because that was his name.  Although his full name was Henry E. Thompson and he was the third generation in his family to bare that name as his own.  He was a gruff looking man who wore dark blue jeans covered in white freckles of paint and black leathery cowboy boots.  This happened to be all the clothes that Junior was wearing as his chest and arms were bare exposing an assortment of faded green and blue tattoos.  His chest was very red but it wouldn’t be until late in the evening that he would regret not putting on sun block.  A golden cross dangling from a chain around his neck perched on top of a jungle of curly chest hair.  He too had a belly that overlapped his belt and a thin coat of facial hair.

Jared lifted the golden colored aluminum can to his lips.  He tilted back his head and the can followed becoming a vertical column paying homage to the bright blue sky.  With a sigh of delight, Jared lowered the can, shook it in his hand and chucked it at the bluetick coonhound that was sleepily lying with its head and paws draped over the edge of a nearby patio deck.  The empty can missed the dog by several inches and the dog barely moved a muscle in response.

Jared looked back at Junior who had not lifted his beer can for several minutes.  Instead he just sat as lifeless as a corps with a far off look in his eyes as he stared into the glimmer pool of water at their feet.  The sound of a lawn mower starting up in a nearby neighbor’s yard broke the noon silence.

“Pray, sir,” Jared said.  “Let there be no more silence between us.  Open the gates of your mind so that I may know as to what manner of thoughts have been locked away behind closed lips.”

“Tis nothing more than the folly of a mad man, I fear.”  Junior replied.

“How can you be so sure it is folly unless hither wise tested?  Only experience can discern between folly and wisdom.  Speak to me your thoughts so that I may sit in judgment as to whether they are the words of a sage or the ravings of one touched by the infirmity of the mind.”

“I have already discerned for myself that the thoughts that now inhabit the inner workings of my mind are imprudent and hereby do not feel they are appropriate to share with my fellow men.”

“How can one be his own judge?  Does he have wisdom beyond that of his piers or elders?  If so then let him be the judge of all men for clearly he is the wisest.”

“You do me a great injustice, sir.  I claim not to be the judge of others but only of myself.”

“If men could be their own judge then why would we need the law courts or politicians?  Our society is built upon the fact that men need to be governed by the collective will of many.”

“Governed in matters of state and law, perhaps, but not in personal thought.”

“But to the contrary.  The reason the penal system was established was to correct the ill-thoughts of men when they decide to turn upon their fellow brethren.”

“Yes, but there would be no need for men to face the sentencing of the law given that he had already governed his own mind unto wisdom and stopped himself from going through with such foolishness.”

“Perhaps he did not think his actions foolish and hereby carried through with them not knowing the wiser option?”


“Mankind is governed by the communal will of his brethren in matters of civic affairs for good reason.  Even those whom govern in civil affairs understand their own short comings in personal wisdom and thus they established a system of checks and balances that gathers wisdom from the collective masses.  Our penal system is governed the same way as a judge is bound by the united conclusion of twelve men.  Thus it has been clearly established in our fair land that wisdom comes from one’s piers rather than from one’s understand least the criminal be the monarch of his own fate deciding unto himself that his thoughts and deeds are wise.”

“The governing of a nation is not the same as the governing of one’s self.  Should a man always meet with a committee before making any decision?  Such a way of living would be impractical.  Am I to ask another whether to eat or breath?  Surly even a child is wise enough to govern for itself that these things must be done in order to survive.  It needs not consult the philosophy of others regarding breathing and eating.”

“Fair enough, but am I to take it that you will not seek my advice concerning the idea that was hitherto mentioned by thyself as foolish?”

“I dare not share them now with you lest I be judged as one touch in the mind.”

“I promise not to withhold my judgment from thee for I know that in my own mind I will pass judgment on thee regardless of whether or not verbal condemnation was to leave mine lips.”

“Then it is better that this inspiration of mine not leave its place of resting within the mind and that they be lost to all eternity in the sweet slumber of forgetfulness.  That way they will never plague another soul but my own until forgotten.”

“So you would not share your thoughts as a way of saving me from your own misery?  But I would not be doing my duty as thine friend if you did not share with me thine heavy burden.  Share with me your misery so that we may bare them in portions rather than one man bearing all the weight alone.”

“That is too much to ask of me.”

“Come now, share these thoughts with me and let me judge them.  Are we not two like minded friends who have enjoyed each other’s companionship for many a year?  Tis such a simple thought to be the week link that tears apart our friendship.  Nah, I say!  Let thoughts of foolishness and wisdom be shared for many a fortnight so that our bond may grow deeper in both realms of imprudence and astuteness via experience as a group.  Together we shall experience all things together as to heighten the joys of life and alleviate the sorrows.”

“Since you have been so persistent in prying these thoughts of mine I feel it only appropriate that dialogue alone would not be enough to convey the full experience.”

“What doust thou mean?”

“I feel that such an idea of mind should only be witnessed if anything so that the full wisdom or foolishness of the inspiration be brought about to fruition.”

“Why can’t you just tell what is on thine mind?”

“Because, dear sir, if I simply tell you then you shall simply pass judgment upon me and sentence me unto foolishness or wisdom without the full experience of the action.  Nah, I say if it is to be fully understood then it must be brought about at its full glory.  If a criminal commits a felony in his mind then he has truly committed no felony at all.  But if he commits a felony with his body then he truly has produced the fruits of his mental labor.  Therefore I too want to be judged fully in my foolishness or wisdom.”

“Quite, but shouldn’t you let me pass judgment on the inspiration before going through with said idea so that I may prevent you from doing something that might cause bodily harm to others or thyself?”

“Nonsense!  Experience is the key to judgment, you said so yourself, so let us experience this thing together.  Or if you prefer then I shall experience this event as you sat passively by and observe.”

“Very well but I must caution you.  It is not uncommon for people having procured a large amount of alcoholic beverage to develop thoughts of foolishness and think these thoughts wise due to delusions brought about by intoxication.”

“This is true, but what relevancy does this revelation bare upon our current situation?”

“Doubtless you have noticed that the two of us just so happen to have procured and consumed a large amount of alcoholic beverage in the past short period of time.  So much an amount has been consumed and so little a time has passed that I fear there to be dire ramifications on our mental state.”

“So you are implying that that I may not have full grasp of my mental faculties due to the intoxicating effects of the consumed alcoholic beverages?”

“That is correct, sir.”

“But if I have lost my mental faculties then how would I know it to be lost?  Would I not already have lost the faculties that allow judgment to govern myself appropriately given the circumstance you mentioned?”

“Indeed, thus why I brought up the fact that it better that your actions and deeds be governed by your fellow man.”

“Then I must go ahead with my idea so that I may be judge since I cannot judge myself.”


“If I do not go ahead with my idea then you won’t be able to judge whether or not I’m intoxicated and whether or not I am foolish.  Thus this test will be the ultimate rule to prove whether I am wise or foolish and whether I am intoxicated or sober.”

“Since there are no more arguments that neither you nor I can give to stop further acting upon the inspiration and since fruition is the only way to truly judge then I suggest you going ahead with your idea.”

“Then, with your blessing, I shall go ahead with demonstrating my inspiration.  Would you kindly hold my beer while I began the process?”

“Certainly, sir.”

© 2011 Infamous Real

Author's Note

Infamous Real
Has not been edited.

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Added on April 15, 2011
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Infamous Real
Infamous Real

Columbia, MD

Combine humor with imagination and what do you get? How about one twisted mind. I am a firm believer that God has a sense of humor and I have proof. After all, he put me on this earth didn't He? A.. more..