Fallen

the first time i saw the lady i now adore,

she looked me in the eyes from across the hall

those eyes, making me feel like i was gold

the second she laid those eyes on me, i was sold.

that tingling feeling, the warmth inside

seeing that one person look you in the eyes

while you melt away, treasuring her love

surrendering myself, wasn't enough.

          

times were good, but some were rough

i soon learned my love wasn't enough

she left me behind, to hit rock bottom

now I'm here, all alone and forgotten

Reviews

[Barbara Walker]

This is excellent with a few minor edits. First stanza, last line should be "was sold" to agree with the past tense of " laid". The last stanza is a little awkward with "by love". I think dropping the word, " by", would do away with the awkwardness and make sense. It really is a great poem, expressing a story and your feelings very well.

[Barbara Walker]

I just noticed another tense problem with "were gold." That should be "was," also.

[TheHomelessHeart]

hi Barbara i extremely appreciate the review, i never write.. i just read this and noticed these too, "by love" should be "my love" and the other things need correcting too, i never properly read it over as well... i dont think much about my writing

[Barbara Walker]

Well, I think it's very good. Not thinking their writing is good enough is a common thought with many writers. That's why I like sites like writerscafe, so I can get feedback on my writing. It helps to get confirmation from other writers and readers, as well. And all of us can benefit from constructive criticism. Hope you continue to write in the future!

[jesserose99]

I really enjoyed this...I am so sorry I forgot to come and review you after you spent time to do mine, especially because this is really lovely. It doesn't over or understate, and it just reads very smoothly. Very nice write.