How Death Affected Me

This is just some writing about telling you what affect death had on me.

It’s something that we never dream of happening, something we rarely ever talk about. I have been through the terrible ordeal of it, I lost one of the closest friends in my world and I have also lost my Great Grandmother and I have also lost a family friend who I had known most of my life, all who I loved dearly, who I will never forget for as long as I live

I have never really thought about death as such until the first time I lost someone in my life who I dearly loved in 2010, that is when I began questioning why? Why do we have death? What for?

Death affects people in different ways, I know the first time, I was told that my friend had died, I was on holiday in Spain with my family and my Mum had asked me to sit down and then said to me “Jordan has passed away.” And I just remember thinking, no she hasn't! What do you mean! She can’t have! I suppose that is natural part of grieving, especially when it’s the first time you've had it happen. I remember my Mum telling me that it was okay for me to cry and to be upset, the truth was, I wasn't crying I couldn't even shed a tear, I couldn't even speak and to this day I can’t imagine why I didn't cry.

I think one of the worst things was the fact that her funeral this will always be in my head because it is the day of my birthday, the 2nd of September. When I was told about the funeral my emotions were incredibly conflicted because I wanted to go to the funeral so badly but I also wanted to enjoy my birthday, I had come to a conclusion that If I went I would be sad for my birthday which I know Jordan would never want to happen, she was always at my birthday and for her funeral to be on my birthday was in a way beautiful and depressing at the same time. When I say beautiful I mean I would always know that form this day Jordan would always be at my birthday in spirit and in memory! Depressing because I had to live with the fact that one of my closes friends had passed away and she would be put to rest without me there, on what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.

After the first time I was told I was extremely protective of my family and friends, in my head I would always think is it safe? Will you be okay? Because I was so terrified that it would happen again.

The second time someone I knew had passes away was when I was told that our dear close family friend Janice and best friend of my Grandma has passed away, it was slightly easier for me to handle, but at the same time still awful. When I was told about Janice’s passing I did cry, I suppose because I was, not prepared for it but more informed, in a way that you know how to handle this a little better, let your emotions out, and for a fact it was so much help, I hadn't realised how much it helped to cry, that may sound weird but I felt a lot better when I was showing emotion.

After the second time of being told I had thought to myself OK, my life is precious and I need to live every day like it is my last, because you never know when you time is up, as horrid as that may sound, it’s true. Life had suddenly in a way hit me in the face and said “Okay make the most of it, be who you want to be and achieve your dreams! You’re not going to live forever.”

Years later when I was 14, unfortunately my Great Grandmother who I call Nams passed away. On the day of the funeral I felt very awkward, I didn't quite know what to expect. We had arrived at the funeral directors and I remember my Grandma asked if I wanted to see my Nan, and I just couldn't speak and I didn't really know what to think, I just looked at my Grandma trying to cry.

I remember looking into the room where she was laid, and I could just see her nose. At that moment inside my body I had a shiver of pain and sadness additionally to what I was already feeling at the loss of one of the greatest women I knew, I wanted to just fall on my knees, keeping in mind this was my first time experiencing a funeral. This was really one of the most painful times in my life, when you see everyone trying to keep it together, especially my Grandma. When we were in the church she was beside me and I didn't know what to do I heard her crying and I thought, “I am so sorry Grandma.” I wanted to just turn to her and give her huge hug but I just couldn't, and much like when I didn't cry at the news of the passing of Jordan I didn't know what to do, so I just held her had tight and just didn't want to let go.

I have always felt like I never spent enough time with Nams and I never realised that until her death which I still feel so guilty for. I just felt like I could have seen her so much more, I try not to let it get to me, I know she wouldn't want me to feel like that. But in hindsight, I do wish that I had seen her a lot more, because she had been in assisted care, which was on the way home from my school, but whenever I passed by, I could never think of what I would say to her. 

Before she did go into assisted care, I remember going to her bungalow a lot, so I think that I not completely stopped going to visit at her care home but unfortunately I didn't visit her enough as I should.

Since the funeral I have been positive more so on life than when I was told about Jordan’s passing , I really don’t want to be the same forever; get out of bed go to work/school get home go to bed etc. I have a really strong opinion on this, I never want to be stuck doing the same thing for the rest of my life, I want to travel and see the world. Maybe that sounds like a never ending dream but it could happen and I will try my best to achieve it because if you look towards them and keep going you will get there eventually.