Bad Smells Get Me Every Time

Last summer, my mom was over at Boyd's (my sister) and they were cruising around on the lawn.  My mom always goes barefoot on their lawn because its nice, plush sod.  As they were walking to the back yard, Boyd points to a huge, still steaming pile of dog crap and says, "Mom, watch your feet.  That is fresh!"  My mom was too busy admiring her pedicure that she didn't hear Boyd and she stepped right in that beastly pile...and it squished up between her toes.  (Now, my mom has a worse gag reflex than I do - if you can believe that!)  Needless to say - she bent right over and just about threw up.  Well she didn't realize that bending over would put her closer to the stank-a*s mess on her toes...the gagging just intensified - big time.  She fell over and started crying and carrying on.  She grabs Boyd by her tank-top strap, pulls her over to where she is stretched out on the lawn and screams in her ear, "Boyd - get a f*ckin hose down here right f*ckin now!  Its dog s**t!  Omigod, I stepped in warm dog s**t (gag).  Why don’t you teach your damn dog to put her Stanley Steamers in the neighbor’s yard?!  (I’m sure the neighbors thought the world was coming to end by now with all the screaming and crying going on…)  Boyd runs back to the house, grabs a pitcher of water and runs back down to my mom �" spilling most of the water before she even gets there.  She dumps it over the mess.  My mom just came unglued!  "Boyd!  I said a hose - not a goddamn pitcher of water.  Ya think a damn pitcher is going to remove this mess?  No!  Load my a*s in the back of the Sean’s truck and run me through the car wash with my feet in the air.  No, do it.  Go get the truck!  A high-powered car wash is the only thing that will get this goddamn mess off my feet!"  (My mom's not over the top or anything...everything is always 10 times worse than it really is with her - drama queen!)  Boyd is laughing and gagging herself so fricken hard by now - she can't even talk much less move.  She's actually rolling around on the ground laughing - staying away from the pile of crap, mind you.  They finally get my mom back to the side of the house and wash her feet off with the hose.  (My mom is gagging, crying and swearing worse than ever now, whining about her ruined pedicure while Boyd and Sean are just rolling with laughter.  Mom is screaming to "Shut the f*ck up!" and “I’m going to kill that dog!”  in between gags.)  After that she made Sean wrap her feet in towels so she could go in the house and bleach her feet in the tub.  Now it was Boyd’s turn - Boyd had a complete fit - "You are not getting dog s**t in my tub!"  Sporting a murderous glare �" my mom, arms straight out in front of her, just about knocked Boyd down on the way in the house while racing for the bathroom.