Moon Song

a short story inspired by Phoebe Bridgers’s Moon Song and Saviour Complex

If there’s any consolation in our sardonic life together is that I got to spend some time knowing you also loved me in your own foolish way and loved me you did…

“What would I do without you?”

“Anything…you can do anything with anyone. just as pointless and meaningful as you do with me.”

 

Acceptance was always part of this relationship or in any sort of negotiated personal enterprise I have put myself into. I had to accept that I situated myself in this lofty position I could hardly manage. How I want to accept what you could offer to me, and just make anything out of it… just not this spiraling and unceasing attachment I have on you, of wanting you more than I should ought to receive from you.

The intention of wanting you more, knowing that its cruel , accept that it is cruel enough and  force not to seek through it and laying myself to just dream…waiting, maybe for nothing or everything to fall to place with a modified version of myself constructed by a collected sensibility.

But instead of dreams and an enhanced persona, I had to put up with a dreary version of myself and your undiscernible call.

 

“I don’t think I could take you home tonight.”

 

I could hear crackles from the other line. I don’t know if its signal transmission interference or from some object taking the schemes of the laws of physics but it wasn’t the main point of my concern now.

 

“Where are you now? You don’t seem to be at the firm.”

 

She started mumbling and becoming borderline inaudible. I hear exasperations and I could tell my level of worries rushing to its toll. It’s happening again, undergoing with this godforsaken adrenergic frenzy because of you.

 

“Are you drunk? Where are you? Wherever you are don’t go anywhere especially drive…”

 

The call ended abruptly. I got myself warped up with where in the world could my mental usurper be. I left the laboratory with instructions to operate some designated task in the upcoming manufacturing label evaluation.

 

Before I get ahead of myself, responsibilities must be kept separate in terms of duties as QC manager and as a dedicated friend. A person might be relative to their emotions and goals but one must also control their grasp within each other, I seem to trained myself so skillfully to attain this fulcrum from keeping my sanity on equilibrium. Maybe it was one of the reasons, I couldn’t let go just yet because of the entitled and vile side of my personality that clamored for recognition and some sort of prize. Folks can attack me all they want; I certainly deserve it. I wish a supernatural entity will just smack the heck out of me towards clarity because I hate my thoughts and reasons too…it makes me pathetic as I already feel. 

 

I tried to call her again to attain her whereabouts before she could do anything to harm herself or anyone. No answers. I then called her workmates, maybe they got useful information so I would have an heads up on her exact location. Thankfully, a grateful Jordan returned my call saying that she’s with her.

 

“Hallelujah, you called. I was having the thought on how we could go home in our current state.”

 

She then explained that Phebe invited her at the new gala hall situated at her aunt’s estate, anticipating that it was just going to be cocktails and talks but she said Phebe ordered harder drinks.

 

“Is she still there? Is she doing fine?”

 

“Yeah…I think she really is not feeling well to be doing this. I rang her house but no one answered, I also called Lewis and I just got a voicemail notice…” Jordan continued. she also added that because of the alcohol, she can’t entrust herself to subject their safety to her lightweight whims and asked for my assistance.

 

“I’m so sorry… I should’ve controlled myself.”

 

I heard her startling grunt and whimpered puerilely. Yeah, she’s definitely intoxicated to cast her cosmopolitan demeanor out of the side to express her frustration.

 

“I’ll be there. Just make sure both of you will be in one piece once I got there, please. Don’t even try to get to the car and drive, just stay there I’ll get both of you home… understood? Jordan? Make sure you keep an eye on Phebes, okay?”

 

I went to the location as hastily as I have always acquit myself before, every time some kind of similar circumstance happens, it is what is expected of me or to accurately put it, it is what I decided to always do which became a variety of projections which is imposed by yours truly. This is what I have been doing, no one needs to ask on what is my venture to my inevitable romantic disintegration and why I’ve been recurrently thwarted myself to be some sort of a savior but at this point, it’s beyond me, and its beyond the way I feel every time she needs me or I assume she needed me. Maybe it’s just all in my mind now, but whatever my action composes itself, it was done because I would die, whatever form of deaths, if she gets hurt, knowing I could’ve done something. I won’t take any chances and regrets, because I know, I did all I can to be with her on the good days and especially on bad ones.

I could hear my footsteps clack as I approach to the place. looking downright serious as I lock my focus to the lady with her head leaning towards the high ceramic tables. My eyes wander if your companion was also present nearby and I spotted her having a feeble yet enthusiastic conversation with someone just adjacent to your site.

A pull… what a pull you are. Something about intentions and any explainable forethought in what I behave whenever I’m about to embark an encounter with you. A freaking pull as I gravitate and plunge to a great reverie. In this instance, I think I am at my purest with the acceptance of what it is, with you and me, as I affirm and identify the corners of the restrictions and the accepted ways to delineate the traces without being affront. I started with a sigh, a thrilling mix of relief and anxiety. A distinction of the walk outside with the clack of foot and wood, of leather and pavements from my walk towards you. It was passing the world unnoticed, I can’t hear the clack or the prior whist of Bill Evans in the background, just the evident and ever-present pounding in my chest which you clearly amplifying it.

 

“Yohoooooo!!! Topaz .”

 

 Jordan’s joyous exclamation got your attention.

 

“Pazzy?  Where?”

 

You quickly turned your head to my direction. Allowing me to take a view to the comical expression in your face that resembles the languidness of a high tide handing over hulking yet low waves against the shore in calm regularity. Basically, you’re adrift at the depressant effect spectrum of the booze. But despite your dreadful spirits, I can sense the deepness of those thoughts in your mind, just by the dire in your eyes, then you send me your warm smile. So warm that I could melt and now, I’m your captive again.

 

 

“Pazzy, I’m so sorry… I couldn’t pick you at work and now this…”

 

 

Then you sulked again to your table and hastily hoisted yourself up which resulted to an almost blundering fall, maybe due to the combined effects of alcohol and your body’s syncopal proneness. It was prevented by a little support from your unfazed reflex and my attentive fright and flight response. You muttered apologies again.

 

 

“Be careful, Phebes. You don’t have to apologize, okay? Don’t worry, I’ll be the one who’ll take both of you home tonight. And what on earth happened to your phone? I was worried sick trying to contact you.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

You couldn’t hardly open your eyes as your body couldn’t shift to maintain balance. I take a hold of you while trying to find the keys of your car in your bag.

 

 

“Jordan, you still sober enough to walk?”

 

 

“Yeah, I think so.”

 

I realized the struggle of attending drunk people is criminally understated, the sober one takes the responsibility for the safety and welfare of the intoxicated. Quite hefty but what else can you do, it involves the people you genuinely care for and even if doesn’t involve someone you deemed important, the intention of being protective to the vulnerable nominally, is wired within my being. I hope the intention is congenial to other people too, but I know it’s not the case now, but I can’t avoid supposing, what if I won’t be there for the people I cherish at their state of vulnerability? I could just hope for people to care for them when I’m not around and be in aid likewise for others who needed them as well.

 

Jordan and I walked slowly as I carry you on my back. I can commend my strength for being the athletic one in the group, cycling and sporadic weights did me good these days. I constantly check of Jordan’s condition and tried to locate your car; you babble from time to time. I can try to commemorate and spill my memories with instances that constitute this moment with parallelism. You transpiring almost comparatively unconscious at the comfort of my back. It’s either the side of your face was flat on my shoulder girdle or your chin near my clavicle, sometimes with vomit, sometimes feverishly attacking my back with your rogue punches, screams of displeasure and curses for reasons you always explained at the end of every episodical beat or turn of day with me. The way your head just resting now is I think I will remember the most, just the way I picture your face covered with your hair with your arms encircling my neck, which placed warmth that became an inadvertent scarf against the chilly night breeze, yes, I’ll remember this the most.

 

 

“Jordan, are you still okay? can you help me with the car door.”

 

 Jordan asthenically pulled the shot gun door and carefully placed you there. I fixed strands of your hair and made sure you’re comfortable. It was also a chance to see your face up close, your ever radiant yet slumberous face.

 

“Hey, Topaz. Look at the sky there is no moon.”

 

I immediately look at the sky and cautiously leaned on the car door as I check the celestial bodies presence or absence, I guess… or just a pause or a little distraction from another fixation from your beauty.

 

“Perhaps it’s a new moon today. It’s interesting the only time that a new moon is visible is the last track of daylight from a low point horizon of an attentive and sharp eye. A faint almost translucent crescent drab and gray shade amidst the after-dusk stained sky.” Jordan still looking intently unto the sky with her stretched hand waving in the air with similar strokes like brushing. She averted her gaze towards the sleeping Phebe and to me.

 

“I didn’t know you take interest with astronomical bearings, Jordan.”

 

“Wait till I have you blessed with my knack for astrology?”

 

 I chuckled and turned my back to reposition Phebe since she doesn’t seem to be at eased in the way she’s settling.

 

 

“You really care that much for her to be going all out every time this happens?”

 

 

“I’m her friend, Jordan.” I replied with a defensive tone that I could’ve had controlled.

 

 

“Yeah, like all friends would do what you do. Your actions and feelings are somewhere imprinted with the invisible moon, Topaz.”, She simpered while gazing above.

 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

I could guess what she’d thinking and I know she figured it out like the riddle master of a lawyer that she is. I gently closed the car door and divert my way to the driver’s seat to start the engine, while Jordan wimpishly entered the back seat.

 

“You know what I mean. Once an individual begins to notice, of course, a person would be subjected to attention, to be attentive for the corresponding intentions behind their actions. Even how hidden or faint it is, observation, proofs and judgement beget a guess or a plain conclusion. The question is if my conclusion hits your version of the truth. Does it, though?”

 

Something about the likes of Jordan with the scholastic repertoire so as to maximizes her mien and perception. It is assignable to a slick composition of a degree on Psychology as Pre-Law and the finesse of being a glorious lawyer seasoned with apt control that makes her not just an intimidating person to deal with. but also, inevitably conceding with her heightened level of discernment that even alcohol can’t fluster. The advantage is beaming on her side. Denial is no use at this point.

 

“Do you think she knows? or noticed?”

 

“Just an Obiter dictum, Topaz. Even how receptive or intelligent a person is, like you, her and me, we still easily get clouded by our surroundings or by habits that mostly, hinder us from noticing. I don’t think she noticed that she already knows or reacted clearly for us to assume such… she might doesn’t quite know it yet, questioned about it or made anything from it, maybe she got the idea but dismissed it because she was too far or too close to that horizon of notion or the thought just became a dump in her memory because she was to unconscious to remember it the next day when she supposed to witness it from dusk break.“

 

She laughed and I laughed with her opportune opinion and comparative analysis.

 

“But New Moon or Just you … both are a predetermined cycle for a heedful observer like me, and it will be time itself who will tell if other observers start noticing the patterns … especially her.”

 

“Are you telling me I should do something before she starts to take the hint?”

 

She didn’t answer, she just regarded me at the stationary notability of the rear-view mirror with pity plastered on her face.

 

“You know it will be complicated, very complicated. It just won’t end well. It’s either this stupidity or another act of stupidity that would hurt and dement us both. I wouldn’t choose the latter, I’ll choose this stupidity, Jordan. The option of solely breaking my heart and simultaneously mending it without the shear of her awareness of how I feel about her. I know it’s selfish because I myself decided on it based on selfish reasons.” I continued while beholding a trace of tears wanting to escape from my eyes. It was though I was trying to convince myself more than I would like to imprint the conviction to Jordan.

 

 

“Your reasons are selfish, yes… but it is the kind of selfishness that you could justify. The kind where you know the basis of it, no matter how stupid, is sincere for anyone to deemed it null. You don’t want to destroy your relationship with her or strain her with confusion that may affect her other relationships, particularly her relationship with yours and her marriage with Lewis. You just wanted to be with her without the complication of the unwarranted circumstances. I assume you wanted more, but you can’t and you will not go that far, because you know your boundaries. So, you merely resort on being a fool of your love for her… I don’t judge you on your quest for masochistic fool, Topaz because you’re deeply enamored with a woman who is in love with a man and is married with that same man. I just hope that the complications you intensely wanted to elude from, would not result to the worst form of inflicted pain and distress.”

 

 

No replies are needed for Jordan’s statements and end wishes; she understood the situation more than I can convey with the language I’m accustomed of. All I can utter are words that are left invalid because of the strength and certitude that silence proposes. I hailed inarticulacy as it hovers the window panes and gazed mirrors with their respective regularity: transparency and reflection. I started the engine and got hold of the gear. I glimpsed at the peaceful Phebe on the shotgun, knowing she is deep in her slumber for her to hear the conversation and take hold of the ambivalent lull that came after.  The disposition remained throughout the ride En route to Jordan’s apartment. She tapped my shoulder and heralded her gratitude and gave me a salutary and implying smile which I nodded in return before she got out of the car.

 

The car ride to Phebe’s estate wasn’t eventful as it did prior to the series of Jordan’s oratory blows. Playing my Spotify playlist on shuffle was a refreshing deflection from the quiet density of the undergone reality check and the monotonous mist of the barren space of the road, even on the state of heavy traffic. I can hear your gibberish muffles and still drowsy as ever, you hit your head to the pane. The impact might gave you a mild concussion but thankfully it wasn’t that serious. Eventually, it activated your consciousness as you and I just flow to the tunes that my playlist conducts, recognizes the one you liked and despises the ones you don’t. I admit our music tastes likens to a staccato, but once in a while our musical inclination meets and we commune from that intersection to the treat of mellifluous accord.

 

“I hate this song.”

 

She’s pertaining to Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven”.

 

“This? Why? Phebe, it’s a classic?”

 

“Is it a requirement, Miss Herrera to immediately like a song if it’s considered by the majority of as a “classic”?

 

“No, but you said you hated it, you cannot just drop the word hate on classics. An artist who is known for his pining Fender Strat solos yet now, here you listen to him shredding his woes and sentimentality to a somber song.”

 

“I never knew you were an Eric Clapton enthusiast….and apologist.”

 

The mocking undertones of her voice was eminent. Her litigator impulse is showing due to my subtle ways in aggravating her ticks in pop culture and social relevance.

 

 

“No, I am not an Clapton apologist or a stan as the current generation calls it, and doesn’t mean defending an honorary soft alternative rock song, could connote my allegiance to the artist. I think I value the respect on the schmaltz of the song than putting a label of liking or deliberately hating it, I don’t know.”

 

I can sense a displeased reaction pining from the interlude of the song.

 

“So you’re saying you formed bogus argument on “classic” monging and actually hated the song, but it’s on your playlist because you admire it’s hypersentimentalism?”

 

“Why do you easily put hate on anything? But I tried thinking through it, Yes, I’m not necessarily a fan of the song but I put it on my playlist because of the sob stuff, whenever I want a good cry or a dose of sadness, I play it. I know it’s corny…”

 

 

“Yeah it is corny…If this eases initial labels of hate, and by no means I still hated it but, your right…if there is an apparent good in the song and for this I can’t deny is that it is brutally heart breaking, especially if you know for whom it was written for.”

 

I thought of what Phebe said… It’s true. We seem to minimize our disdain towards things, once we know where they came from. People gravitate to emotion driven formats then forgets faults, in Eric Clapton’s case, when can we consider socio-political issues as non-tolerable? for a song that is contrary to what we knew about his track record may it be on a personal level or the diluted view on a limelight. But once you know the story behind an art, you can’t stop to feel a pang of sympathy. It’s just sad and maddingly conflicting at the same time.  The ethics on separation of the art and an artist is a thing of construct that evade a material to what truly matters which we can never truly understand or put an end with… It just depends upon our level of toleration and consideration, I guess.

 

 

“It’s sad that he’s son passed away so young…tragic, how unfathomable the pain being dealt upon, to be a parent who witnessed the death of a child … You cannot fully hate on someone because of what they did, you can hate the superficial and list why you should hate the person, but if there are signs to halt talks of contempt…It would be the mention of  the life and lifeless, birth and death, gain and loss, recovery and illness…”  Phebe’s continued.

 

 

I could feel the atmosphere getting hefty as we just left our conversation to the submission of the outro of the music. We were few blocks near your condominium, when you asked me to stop the car and decided not to go straight home.

 

“Why? You need to rest, Phebes? Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

 

“I just don’t feel like going home… I want to clear my head first?”

 

“Isn’t Lewis going to worry?”

 

“Lewis is out of town. It’s exactly why I don’t want to go home just yet, knowing I would be alone and left alone with my thoughts. I don’t trust myself today, Pazzy…

 

Why wouldn’t she trust herself? What could be the reason of her torments, I tried to figure out if there were signs of prior confliction on which led her in dealing with distrust on solitude? This was not the first time, but this is definitely not like her bearings before. This looked like the right time to ask her about her troubles, but my musings got interrupted with her pleading eye and incredulous touch.

 

“Can you stay with me? till I get my chaotic mind less muddled?”

 

I want to tell her that she can demand anything from me. I know I was just the alternative she got hold of due to Lewis’s absence. If only I can get her out of the dismantled reality she is in, I would assemble a new reality that favors her happiness at this instant, even just for this night, I will do it for her. For all I know, this was just a simple request and my reply was just as plain and obvious.

 

“I’ll stay, for as long as you want me to.”

 

 

 

Walks from college were composites of elaborate and spontaneous undertakings of either the singularity of involvement to be at where we were or a common interest of craving Mini Stop soft serve ice creams and karimans. I never thought that I would experience the knitted traces of the yearnings of the past and the insistence of the present. We are currently in the paces of those walks, slightly filling the current moment with the association of the yesteryears. I had to check you from time to time to see if you’re in the right kind of sober but you seem to hold of so well despite how besotted you were. We are just strolling while munching our snack’s we got from Mini Stop.

 

“Remember when we would just ditch our dorm curfews just to buy these suckers?”

 

She was pertaining to her chocolate soft serve and her tuna melt kariman.

 

“I missed this… It’s been years, I thought I forgot how this taste like but I think palates never really forgets good food, the moment I took a bite it feels I’m going to break down or something.”

 

 

“Shut up, Phebes. I think it’s just the residual alcohol acting up on you.”

 

 

You chuckled and your little snorts got me laughing with you.

 

“This was a nice idea. You always seem to know how to keep my worries off bay.”

 

“I thought these would somehow get that muddled mind of yours get back on track, just like when this helped you from your mental tortures in college.”

 

You let out a grunt and annoyed by the memories that college got inflicted on you.

 

“And that was just Pre-Law, those where the worst times but also the best compared to Law School. I remember, you will just walk by yourself and buy me this magical combo and my troubled brain from studying would just leap with joy, every time you left it on my room.”

 

“I always told you, when you can’t do anything about what you think and feel, at least get your stomach filled and everything will follow.”

 

We were approaching your car while talking about other college memories that either haunted and amused us. We seem to not find the line of embarrassment and horror of the past. It’s going full circle, we never thought we could just laugh on what it seems to be unbearable at those times, and, now we are just having a blast on who got it worse. 

 

“I should’ve gone with eating with you here in the parking lot than getting myself drunk.”

 

“Exactly, now you get it.”

 

 

She rapidly faced me and pinched both of my cheeks and subsequently pat them with her palms which momentarily hitched my breathe and got my heart beat fast.

 

 

“That’s why I love you, my baby Pazzy. If there are any constants in my life, that I won’t change. you are definitely one of them.”

 

 

Being one of the constants she won’t change? Makes my heart lift and sank with bliss and ache. To be one of her persons gave the superior comfort regardless of the gloom it brought, and in order to keep it, the need to conceal the feelings I have for her and slowly moving on from it, just raised to being the utmost path I have to take.

 

 

“Really?”

 

I tried not to get flustered by her and just plunged with her antics.

 

“Yes! If I could rank you among the people I’m keeping for the rest of my ignoble life, I would put you higher than my siblings… or even Lewis.”

 

I smiled.

 

“You would never put me first when it comes to Lewis.”

 

 

She slowly put her hands away and looked me in the eye.

 

 

“I can… if you really know me, you know I can.”

 

 

There were times when I thought we could be something more than just what we are, those times when you chose to be at my volleyball tournaments than your then boyfriend’s qualms for dates. When you chose me to be with me than all those boy’s you dated in college. But never with Lewis… since you’ve met him, you’ve never chose me unless, you got a reason heavy enough to consider my counsel rather than the time you’ve got to spend with him. I was your person, but Lewis, he is the love of your life. Being the person, you choose from time to time is different from the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. Being a constant that she doesn’t want to change is different from the change you never want from the person you eternally deemed constant. I know it was just a perfunctory remark you made because it suits the moment, and I know if he were here, you would never choose me above him.

 

“I doubt it, Phebes, if you really know yourself, you know you can’t, you love that scoundrel too much.”

 

She exasperated and looked amused. She walked towards the bench and sat down. I followed her and got myself comfortable on the spot.

 

“Pazzy?”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“I hope you know I love you and I’m grateful to have a friend like you since then, until now. You know that, right?”

 

 

If there’s any consolation in our sardonic life together is that I got to spend some time knowing you also loved me in your own foolish way and loved me you did… I hugged her and I can feel her encircle her arms on my waist and hugged me tighter.

 

“I know, that’s why I’m here, staying for as long as you keep me and maybe… also tell me about whatever is bothering you…”

 

Her hold of me got weak and I can fear the tears on my sleeves. She remained there leaning on my shoulder as I wait for her to be ready to tell me her troubles.

 

“What would I do without you?”

 

“Anything…you can do anything with anyone. just as pointless and meaningful as you do with me.”

 

We laughed again, and I wiped her face.

 

“What we do is relative to our thoughts and what we want, Pazzy. I can’t just give my time and presence to anyone. Pointless and meaningful will just be concepts I won’t bother grasping, if the things I think and want to do isn’t with you.”

 

“What is this Phebes? A diversion?”

 

“A confession, Topaz. A confession of how dear you are to me.”

 

She seems to be having hard time to confide with doubts that besieged her. She just looked at me and I know beneath the incertitude in her eyes is a determined soul I got the privilege to attest.

 

“Another confession I would like to make…No,a question. What would you do if you found out you have cancer?”

 

“I wouldn’t know, but, if I do, I would be devastated, I guess. Why?”

 

“I was unwell for the past weeks, I thought it was nothing urgent because it was just on and off and I was busy with the Pancho case, until I decided to seek medical help because of the abdominal pain that I felt. I haven’t told Lewis yet, I haven’t talked to anyone about it, just you… I don’t want to bother Lewis because he has an upcoming big project with Goya’s firm, I don’t want to cause any stress to him knowing this was his dream collaboration. I don’t want to get in the way with that… But I can’t keep it for long, I was never really good in keeping secrets, Pazzy. I don’t know what got into me. I was supposed to be these assertive women who knows her priorities and my mind are just in shambles, especially when the results of the biopsy were given just earlier this day… My head was just clouded I couldn’t think straight. I………... I don’t want to be burden to anyone, Pazzy… I am afraid of everything that will happen.”

 

I was left stupefied. My brain is still processing from the information I just heard. My mouth agaped and I can feel it going dry as I operate my malfunctioning cognition.

 

“Is this a joke, Phebes. It's not even funny…”

 

“What could’ve been my reason to be joking right now, Pazzy. I would never joke on Stage 3 Ovarian cancer.”

 

Based on the tone of her voice, the sincerity in her eyes, the combination of her relief from the confession and a stab of pain she dealt with what comes from the illness she bears… She was telling the truth and I was enveloped with desolation. All the times I’ve promised to myself to be with her and made sure she’s safe would never be enough in order for her to stay alive in this case. I can only do so much for the person I love, but this is not a possession on court for me to alter or deflect.

“I’m so sorry, Pazzy… I’m sorry.”

 

“Why are you apologizing, Phebes? You shouldn’t be sorry on the things you clearly have no control of. F**k, why are you sorry?”

 

I scooted near her and lifted her head and embraced her.

 

“Why do you have to face all of it alone? I couldn’t imagine what you’ve felt. Why the hell do you always feel obligated to hide your pains? Is that why can’t trust yourself alone? Did you want to drink yourself to death? Is it really easy for you to forget you have many people who care for you? Why did you do that? Why did it have to be you? Why?”

 

I couldn’t control my tears now. Phebe’s couldn’t suppress her sobs too as we just hugged for our dear lives. She’s been in pain and I have no idea. She doesn’t want anyone to be bothered by her situation. I understand how that felt when you have to hide something but Phebe’s is different, it just a matter of time that her body would reflect what’s wrong and destroy her, unlike mine that’s applicable only for attentive observers catching patterns of my projected love for her and still be contained. Right now, All I can do is to hold her close and be with her.

 

“You need to tell Lewis. He needs to know. Your husband will understand and he will never see you as a burden because he loves you. We, people tend to forget faults and lapses, especially to those we love and to events we can’t handle because it’s never really our fault…”

 

I pat her back and let her face to me.

 

 

“I’m a coward, I let my emotions control me. I look like a mess, am I?”

 

“Who cares about cowards and emotions? You’re a beautiful mess.”

 

“It’s so embarrassing. I portray myself as this tough and slick lady in courtrooms, but look at me having a breakdown at a convenience store parking lot.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong if a lawyer takes of her mask to breathe a little, and cry. We have our own fair share of embarrassments, Phebes. And I tell you, showing vulnerability will never be subjected as an embarrassment, as far as I’m the witness?”

 

You lightly punched me on my arm.

 

“Oh there’s a fighter, you’re already beating me up, cancer won’t stand a chance.”

 

I funnily remarked to lighten her up, it seems to work as I see a smile forming from her lips.

 

“Again, what would I do without you, Pazzy?”

 

“Anything… You can do anything, regardless of my presence, Phebes. But I’m at your disposal and one thing’s certain, if you want to do anything with me, then I will do everything you need for you. I’m your best friend, remember? Your good ol’ Pazzy.”

 

“What is this a confession?” you mockingly asked.

 

“No, it’s a confirmation, A confirmation of how much you mean to me.”

 

“My Pazzy.” she sighed with relief.

 

“You’re the only person in the world who calls me that and the only one I allow.

 

“I know. I was a proud best friend in the bleachers getting to be the only one in the crowd to shout it when you get an attack point or save a near dead ball.”

 

“I can still hear your high-pitched shouts on time-outs until now. You were my number one cheerleader, now I’ll cheer you on, I’ll be anything you want me to be, until, you’ll get tired of me.”

 

She hugged me again this time we won’t cry. A heavy load seemed to have drained from our tears and conversations. Minds have been cleared for this moment. Fear is still there, but it is much more manageable knowing she is not alone.

 

“I think we wandered away for too long, it’s time to go home.”

 

The drive to get you home was peaceful, there was nothing to say, just a serene ride with your choice of songs in the stereo. You opened the window pane and bask yourself through the night breeze and checked the night sky.

 

“The moon is hiding too.”

 

You whispered and leaned back to your seat, and we stayed quiet till we arrived at your address.

 

“How about you stay at the condo? Lewis won’t mind you using the guest room.”

 

I accepted your offer. It was better to have someone to be with her since, Lewis is out of town. We got to your condo unit, and you were struggling to find your keys in your bag when surprisingly the door opened with a jovial Lewis hugging you.

 

“I thought it was you,baby. Hey, Topaz you’re here.”

 

“Yeah I just assisted Phebe here.”

 

“You said you were going to get back next Wednesday?”

 

You gave him a peck and Lewis gladly responded.

 

“A meeting got cancelled, I went home as fast as I can, ‘cause I really miss you.”

 

“I think I should go now, Phebes. Lewis?

 

“No. Pazzy can stay at the guest room, right?”

 

She pleaded to Lewis.

 

“Yes, of course. I insist, Topaz.”

 

 

“No, I’m afraid I must decline, Lewis. You and Phebes needed the time together without my inconvenience. Right, Phebes?”

 

 

I gave Phebe an implying look and she caught it and realized what she must do.

 

 

“I understand. Yes, I think Pazzy should go, I have something important to tell you too, babe.”

 

 

 

“I should go now. Thanks again for the offer Lewis, maybe next time.”

 

 

 

We gave each other our last salutations and I gave Phebe a long hug. I watched as they closed the door and I walked slowly to the elevator and warp in my own existence. Acceptance was always part of everything or in any sort of worlds that consists of choices made and not made. I’m still overwhelmed with everything but it is a necessary step for the path I’m planning to embark on. Love is still there, and it will always be. A different love?... No, It’s the same love, a love with an accepted truth with accordance to a reality, the reality that I’m in. I’ll be there for her, always…when she needs me and when she really wants me too. I know my place and I know my part, nothing more and nothing less. I love her more than I should but I’ve decided to keep it while waiting to find a reason for me not to or wait until time reveals every single bit of it.  I stepped out of the premises of the condominium building with an overcast resolve of myself and looked upwards. There is no moon in sight tonight, no clouds covering the gloomy night sky, just the stars in contrast with the universe, and they are shining, and all I can do watch and sigh.

 

Author's Note

comment about the dialogue and flow