Wide

A transnational short story diving into the confrontation of cultural difference between the east and west, represented in two homosexual protagonists encounter in LA.

Charlie was woken by an intriguing dream. In his dream, a long-forgotten yet familiar face sprang up--" somebody who he loved dearly about twenty years ago called out his name from a deep and narrow cave, reaching a hand out to him. On seeing this face, Charlie’s heart was stirred by a weird sense of happiness. He walked closer to the cave but the face faded out into nowhere. Charlie’s heart sank and tears started running from his eyes. He woke up and tried to recall what happened 20 years. This is what he remembered.

 

It was mid-August and it had been two hours after Charlie landed in the City of Angels, where he almost suffered a PTSD from the secondary check at LAX customs. But everything seemed to be of great novelty to him, the insanely-wide highway, which he failed to find a counterpart in Shanghai--somewhere he grew up, as well as the people here, all greeting him with their signature big wide smile.

 

Everything is so wide here.

 

That was Charlie’s immediate thought of this city, a city of artificial, well, maybe superficial angelic halos. Charlie Yang was a 20-year-old boy, who seemed to be dauntless of anything and possessed a sense of humor. Crystal-like eyes, clean-cut dark hair and fit body have been some of the words that people use to describe him. Despite the fact that Charlie was learning psychology himself, behind that seemingly-unwavering gaze from his eyes, was a mind filled with insecurity, and sometimes deep fear and doubts.

 

“Half a year away from home…”, he muttered to himself, after he finally settled down on an Uber leading to their school.

“What? It is you who talked me into this!” Andrew stopped and cleared a little bit of his throat and continued,

“Otherwise I should be comfortably sipping a cocktail at Mist and dancing at a club all night, instead of coming to somewhere you can’t even drink because you are under 21. For God’s sake.” Andrew rolled his eyes.

Andrew Tang had been Charlie’s roommate and best friend since the first day of their college life. They got acquainted with each other so fast as though they were long-lost friends. Andrew was quite tall and charming, though not being the smartest in class as Charlie did, he had been running unopposed in Student Union election and became the President.

 

A few months ago, when the faculty announced the list of exchange students to Pasadena City College, Andrew and Charlie were both picked but Andrew was about to quit because he didn’t want to be away from home for such a long period of time.

“My mom will miss me.” Andrew said in a way that he’s going to cry at any second.

“So will my dog.” Charlie teased Andrew.

Their laughter echoed on Highway 110.

 

Charlie and Andrew had struggled but gradually found a way to get along with this city in their first two weeks. Language barrier didn’t seem to be their concern as that’s something they’ve learned since their childhood--thanks to the rocketing-high anxiety of their competitive Shanghainese parents. Kaziki, their Japanese teacher, also the Dean of the faculty, promptly recognized the out-goingness and amiability of these two non-typical Chinese exchange students and invited them to help out at the home-coming event of the school alumni. She’s a Japanese woman, not tall, but always has the power to energize everyone in her class. Being a proactive member at LA Japanese Association, she frequently took her students to different events held in Little Tokyo at DTLA, and thus, Charlie and Andrew had made Kaziki more of a friend than a teacher.

“Do you think we should get them some alcohol?” Andrew had this mysterious smile on his face.

“Why not? And with you being the bartender, there will be no drinks for the guests at all”, Charlie chuckled, “We don’t even need to clean up!”.

“What’s going on here?” Professor Kaziki walked by.

“We’re talking about the best practice to violate the American law of drinking. Andrew is so excited to be the first exchange student doing so.” Charlie explained, trying hard to manage his facial expression.

“Well, Andrew. In that case be ready for the cancelation of your I-20.” Kaziki pretended to be serious.

“Just hurry up. We will be expecting the guests in less than half an hour.” Kaziki said.

“And Charlie. Could you please help me assign the name cards to the speakers?” Kaziki added.

“Yes, madam.” Charlie said as if a soldier saluting.

 

All the well-dressed men and women were popping in and mingling with each other. It almost felt like this was a ball rather than an alumni reconvene. Soon the big hall became slightly crowded. Andrew started sweating as he had been running around and delivering the college promotional materials to the guests for an hour non-stop. Charlie was still leisurely handing out all the name cards to the speakers at the entrance.

“We are about to commence the ceremony. Are all the speakers here?” Kaziki inquired.

“Umm. Almost everyone but this person…” Charlie raised the only name card left on the desk.

It reads--Ryan Sadler.

“Jesus Christ.” Kaziki gasped, “he should be hosting the opening.”

“We don’t have forever to wait. I’ll address the speech first. Call Ryan. The contact book should be around.” Kaziki appeared to be quite unhappy and left without any further direction.

“Unlucky Ryan”, Charlie thought, “Never be late for a date with a Japanese lady”.

Before Charlie was able to locate the whereabouts of the contact book, a tall figure in a blue shirt walked towards Charlie’s check-in desk.

“I’m late. I’m so sorry”, the man said.

Charlie looked up and was stunned by this man. Partly because of the degree of politeness that the man exerted, but more about the way he presented himself. Charlie was highly suspicious that he had ever seen such blue eyes before, the blueness of which was even rarer than those in Hollywood movies.

Well, Pasadena is not far from Hollywood though, Charlie thought.

This man was about 6 feet tall, well-built as an athlete, almost having this kind of incredible and seemingly-inappropriate composure under such urgent circumstance.

“Oh no!” this man screamed in a small voice when he saw Kaziki on the stage, “Kaziki must have skipped me.”

Maybe not that composed, Charlie quickly judged.

“Is there any chance that you’re Ryan Sadler?” Charlie carefully organized his words.

“Yes. That’s me. Glad to meet you. And you are?” Ryan asked with a wide and apologetic smile.

Charlie was kind of surprised as there was no guest asking about his name today till now.

“I’m Charlie. Come with me. I’ll lead you to the backstage and get you in position for your speech.” Charlie remained as calm as he could.

“Of course. By the way, where are you from? Are you from Japan as well? Just like Kaziki?” Ryan tried to start a chit-chat as they were walking.

“China. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be learning Japanese from Professor Kaziki at all.” Charlie grinned.

“Oh right. That makes more sense. I wasn’t thinking properly”, Ryan apologized again.

“There you go. Go onto the stage when Kaziki finishes.” Charlie pointed through the corridor leading to the main stage.”

“Thanks, Charlie. Talk to you later”, Ryan blinked.

Something within Charlie had been stirred, just like the feeling when he strums his guitar and the humming voice echoing in the wooden case. The beating of his heart was now the humming, driving a thrill running down his spine.

 

Ryan’s speech gained himself a huge applause and Charlie, therefore, got to know more about Ryan, who was an architect and had already designed several important landmarks across the West Coast, in an age less than 30.

 

Andrew was always inquiring of other’s lifeline and he quickly joined the conversations with all the people present. Charlie felt being left alone for a brief moment before Ryan invited Charlie to his conversation with Professor Kaziki.

“You two are already introduced to each other. How nice!” Professor Kaziki raised her eyebrows.

“I’m pretty sure that I know him much better than he knows me”, Charlie chuckled, “From what I have learnt from his speech just now.”

“Ryan, Charlie Yang is now exchanging from Shanghai. And all the students from Shanghai here are very competitive, always leading the school benchmark. It’s your opportunity to get to know them!” Kaziki intentionally spoke in her Japanese-accented English.

Charlie knew that Kaziki only spoke in this tone when she was joking.

“That’s my privilege then”, Ryan smiled, sincerely, unlike those superficial SoCal smiles, which left Charlie in a moment of confusion.

Kaziki left and it’s only Ryan and Charlie. They were stiff at first but soon they carried their conversation in a way that friends do because of Charlie’s sense of humor and Ryan’s amicability. They found so many common things in them, like they both love spontaneous driving, Japanese cuisine and going to concerts. And most importantly, they both thought that Ed Sheeran was their favorite singer.

“Do you know he’s gonna hold a concert in Rose Bowl at the end of next month?” Ryan asked with undisguised excitement, “Would you like to come with me?”.

“Sure thing. I would definitely go anyway.”, responded Charlie.

They exchanged their contacts later. Ryan had offered to show Charlie and Andrew around, which made Charlie and Andrew quite awkward as they didn’t really want to bother Ryan too much since his work had already taken up a big part of his life and this would be subversive to his life balance. However, with deepened understanding and friendship through these meetings, Charlie and Andrew came to change their stereotypical image of LA local residents, as Ryan was not a superficial person.

 

Andrew was not a big fan of western pop music so he chose to opt out of Ed Sheeran’s concert. Ryan drove to school and picked up Charlie to go to the concert together. It’s almost common knowledge that it rarely rains in LA, but the rain started to pour in the middle of the concert. In that Rose Bowl is a semi-open stadium, Charlie and Ryan both got soaked from top to bottom. It was quite a concert though, especially when all the audience were screaming the heart-breaking lyrics of Ed Sheeran’s “Happier” in the unusual pouring rain.  

Charlie and Ryan ran back to the car after the concert was over.

“You’ll get a cold. Before driving you back to school, go to my place and dry your clothes first. It’s only a 5 mins’ drive from here”, Ryan said.

Charlie didn’t say no since his body was unstoppably shaking out of the chill. Even Ryan turned the air-con heating to the maximum, it didn’t seem to help.

 

This was the first time Ryan invited Charlie to his home. Charlie was a little bit surprised of how well-organized Ryan’s house appeared to be. The fastidiously selected furniture of marvelous simplicity and indoor plants both served well in this house of modernity.

“Do you live with your family?” Charlie asked.

“Nope. Actually I have been living here alone for 2 years since I broke up with my ex”, answered Ryan.

There was an instant moment of sadness in Ryan’s narration but he quickly guarded it up. Charlie didn’t give out another follow-up question and went to shower. After they had showered separately, Ryan made them tea.

“This will keep me up all night”, Charlie laughed.

“Umm. Sorry, I didn’t think of that”, said Ryan.

“It’s fine. The thrill of the concert will keep me up all night anyway”, Charlie picked up the tea.  

“Speaking of which… What’s your favorite song tonight?” asked Ryan.

“Umm. Generally they were all good… But I would say ‘Hearts don’t break around here’ was my favorite”, Charlie said in an uncertain tone.

“Why’s that? It’s not really a well-known one, compared to ‘Shape of you’ or ‘Perfect’”,  Ryan’s curiosity had been built up.

“I feel empowered every time listening to this song. The narrator is so determined and has the power to overcome anything just because someone has been there in his life as a lighthouse”, said Charlie, “What about yours?”

Ryan fell into a silence on hearing Charlie’s answer. He sat closer to Charlie but looked down.

“How would you feel?” Ryan didn’t look Charlie into his eyes.

“Really?” Charlie asked, “But I didn’t recall him singing this song tonight.”

“How would you feel if I told you I loved you?” Ryan said, “That’s my favorite lyrics”.

Charlie looked away.

“I was in an unsuccessful relationship with my partner. Things didn’t work out because of my intrinsic insecurity” Ryan said.

“I was adopted and raised in rural Oklahoma. I’ve never met my biological parents and have no intention of finding them.” Ryan narrated as if it was a story happened to someone else, “I worked hard to avoid being a burden to my foster parents. And I escaped as far as I could to the West Coast.”

“And I please people, do things I hate to make people happy in the fear that they’ll ever walk away.” Ryan confessed, “It serves me well at work but not so much when it comes to everyday living, which is now a total mess from my perspective, and finally no one is there for me, not even my boyfriend”.

Ryan had never come out in front of Andrew and Charlie yet. And it all made sense to Charlie now, of all the careful apologies and politeness that Ryan had demonstrated since day one.

“I don’t know what to say…” Charlie opened his arms, “But can I give you a hug?”

Ryan didn’t answer but he looked up and gazed at Charlie’s eyes as if he was watching Oklahoma’s starry night. He embraced Charlie’s arms and without alarm, he kissed Charlie.

Charlie didn’t resist. He didn’t know the reason why either.
He pushed away Ryan after 5 seconds’ struggle.

“I can’t do this, Ryan.”

“Will you leave me then?” Ryan whispered like a humming bird.

“I don’t know. You just made things uneasy for both of us.” Charlie said in a cold tone, “I should probably go.” Charlie stood up and walked to the front door.

“I’ll drive you back”, Ryan stood after him, “It’s still raining outside.”

“Don’t.” Charlie opened the door, went out and shut the door.

Charlie walked into the rain--the unusual rain at the end of September, in Los Angeles. LA used to be a desert but the rain was happening. The wetness of Charlie’s clothes now remained the same before he came to Ryan’s house. But his heart got stained in the second round. He walked down the boulevard, went on singing,

He’s the lighthouse in the night,

That will safely guide me home.

I’m not scared of passing over,

Or the thought of growing old.

Cause from now until I go.

 

Charlie didn’t reach out to Ryan for several months after what happened. He pretended to be fine but he became more and more distressed and disoriented, in school work as well as his daily communication with Andrew. Even if they had travelled around together, Andrew sensed that Charlie was building up a wall between himself and the rest of the world.

Andrew was really worried about Charlie and finally found a chance to start a conversation with him during a school outing when they were riding on the school bus.

“What is it? ” Andrew stared at Charlie and asked, “You are not being yourself recently. You were never upset like this throughout your entire college life. Is it because you are missing home?”

“It’s not that”, Charlie said.

“Ryan is worried. He contacted me several times, asking about you.” Andrew tried to find a clue.

Charlie pursed his lips.

“It’s him that caused this havoc, wasn’t he?” Andrew asked tentatively, “Are you with him?”

Charlie’s face turned red but he said, “No.”

“Why not? He cares about you, and he’s hot. And I’m pretty sure your sexual orientation is fluid. We both learn psychology.” Andrew was a little bit pissed about Charlie’s non-action.

“Don’t you think it’s a stupid question? Why not? Yes, why not? Because this goddamn relationship will come to an end just when our program ends.” Charlie’s scream was almost hysterical and arose the attention of the peer students sitting around.

Charlie shed a tear.

“I just thought it was the best for me”, Charlie calmed down a bit, “And the best for Ryan. I’m trying to play fair.”

“And probably, I just chose not to accept my homosexuality because of my Chinese-ness.” Charlie murmured.

“You need closure then. For your self-acceptance, or for the pending relationship.” Andrew advised, “I miss the humorous Charlie who knew how to light up people’s day. I don’t want to bring a sad version of Charlie back to Shanghai who will torture me every single day in the rest of my Uni days.”

Charlie laughed through tears.

“Will do.” Charlie promised.

 

Charlie always wanted to visit Venice Beach but he never made it any further than Santa Monica, which is basically next to Venice. It was the last week before he left LA so he asked Ryan out for a coffee and walking around before sunset, which was quite a luxury in LA as people usually drive instead of walking.

Ryan was dressed in a white shirt and his face looked remarkably tender under the light of the sunset. Their eyes met and they walked side by side, without saying a word. They bought coffee as if they were just two random strangers.

“Are you well?” Charlie eventually started the talk.

“Are you expecting an LA answer or the truth?”, Ryan forced a smile.

“Then I think I know the answer.” Charlie lowered his head.

“Is it too much what I was asking for?” Ryan brought the question back.

“Maybe it’s just too little what I was expecting.” Charlie looked at Ryan.

There was a Shiba dog walking by and Charlie ducked his body and petted it.

“They’re just cute and strong, aren’t they?”, Charlie raised his head, “These independent Japanese dog had migrated from the other side of the planet and found a way to adapt itself to American land.”

“I wish I was half as brave as them”, Charlie sighed.

“It’s never too late to be brave”, replied Ryan.

“Are you brave?”, asked Charlie.

Ryan didn’t come up with an answer. Rather, he took Charlie’s hand.

Charlie firmly held Ryan’s hand this time.

“I just hope that…” Charlie walked even closer to Ryan, “You don’t have to please anyone anymore. You are everything you are because of yourself and you deserve it all. No matter where I am, I want you to always remember that.”

Charlie’s eyes were blurred by something, maybe the dust, maybe something else.

“Does that mean farewell?”, asked Ryan.

Ryan’s blue eyes became bluer than the ocean at this very moment of afterglow, when everything became golden. Charlie’s stained heart was dried by the kaleidoscopic sunlight. The sound of pigeons cooing outweighed the noise made by the passing-by tourists. All the artificial surroundings faded and the only thing left was two arrays of palm trees standing still on both sides of the narrow sidewalk, paving the destiny of these two star-crossed lovers, or rather, two lost souls.

“Ryan Sadler”, Charlie looked up with a wide smile, “Hearts don’t break around here.”

 

 

Author's Note

Please bear me with the occasional mechanic mistakes and sometimes wrong tense.
This is my very first writing and I hope that everyone enjoys the reading process.