Innocent

The door creaked open, and I saw an old man sat on a table full of folders of documentation. With visible gray hair hiding beneath his cowboy hat, he wore his freshly ironed uniform and golden sheriff medal.

The office was quite cramped because of the boxes that surrounded him everywhere. An old fashioned telephone rang, not once did he pick up the phone.

 I met his gaze. His cold, icy stare made my knees stutter like the shivering of my teeth as I sat on one of the chairs in front of him. Soundlessly, he sat up straight, arms crossed. All I could hear was my heavy breathing, the pounding of my heartbeat and the noise of the clock�"the sounds deafening to my ears.

He soon then opened his mouth, “Tell me, did you steal it?” He leaned a little bit towards me as I gulped and couldn’t find the right words. My square glasses slid down onto my nose because of sweat.

 “It wasn’t me; it was Josh who did it! I swear!” my voice hitched. His brows furrowed as he opened his drawer, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. He started scribbling words, and I knew I would end up in jail.

Reviews

[lynnaw]

Many times I read things that in my opinion are a bit detail heavy, making it difficult for me to remember everything set up in a scene. I didn't have this problem with your writing. You include important detail that helps me picture what's happening without going overboard and describing too much for me to imagine. I liked how you used things like the telephone and the man's heartbeat to help build tension in the story. The only thing I'm not sure about is how you described that his knees "stutter". I could be wrong, but I thought stutter was only used to describe when you're talking. Other than that it was a great piece.

[Jairah P.]

Thank you for your time in reading my work, much appreciated. I could'nt think of any word to described his knees stutter...which sort of doesn't make any sense. Nevertheless, thank you so much.

[¿]

Agreed to Margie, you should use "I'm trying or am goin' good at writing" henceforth....whatever you penned is all by you not any copied scribbles...then show the world without any hesitations....You made the scene imaginable so we could understand....and another good thing is...seems like you took a fragment of a novel and presented here with brilliance....do keep it up gal! :)

[Jairah P.]

Thank you Tahsin. Z for reviewing my story, and for your kind words.

[¿]

You're heartedly welcome Jairah :)

[barleygirl]

You need to change your profile. "I'm not good at writing" is not accurate. You ARE good at writing. This story shows many natural talents you have, even if you don't recognize it. You do a great job of using metaphor & imagery to SHOW instead of tell. You do a great job of using description & dialogue in a balanced way for this story, plus a good mix of simple & complex sentences to keep the pace compelling. Many longtime writers do not have these things mastered yet! All you need is practice & confidence (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Jairah P.]

wahh thank you so much Ma'am :(