Lost

I'm like a blind man,

I cannot see,

Groping in darkness,

Trying to find me.

Lost in a world,

I can't understand;

A player of cymbals;

Without a band.

Like a caged bird,

Longs to be free,

I'm chained to myself;

I long to be me.

A woman whose lost,

Deep in her song,

Find me, and bring me;

To where I belong.

 

Reviews

[Virginia L. Wyatt]

Great rhyme. The thing that confused me is the line:

"I'm like a blind man,
Who cannot see,"

Is there a blind who CAN see?
Try:
"Like a blind man,
I cannot see."


And the line:

"Trying to find me."
It's pacing is off. Sounds forced.

Try:
"Groping in darkness,
to where I might be."

And the line:

"Without a band."
There isn't enough syllable to fill the pacing. You just need one more syllable to fill it.

Try:
"A player of cymbals;
Without their own band."
or something different like:
"A player of cymbals;
Without any hands."


Good job.

[Michael X]

norma, you paint subtle hauntingly beautiful imagery upon the readers mind with sharp detail,
reading your words feel as they pour from the soul, the delving metaphorical aspects
are sweeping, A player of cymbals; without a band, very powerful and charged with
emotion, as to hear the sound of symbals, your images reflect the heart like an open book,
which attest to the quality of clarity and well punctuated rhythm, surrendering eloquence,
to see the blue sky in your words, the desire to be free, passionate elegant longing defined.