A Love Deception

He took the broken pieces

of her heart in his hand

and with great care

began to mend

with a soft sweet kiss

in the moonlight or

a promise whispered in her ear

letters of his love folded and 

placed in her hand

piece by piece word by word

and promise by promise

her heart he put back together

then with a sick twisted smile

and hallowed eyes 

he raised it above 

and shattered it

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

Beautiful Poem! I don't know why, but in my mind when I read the title it changed to 'A Love Connection' so I was really surprised at the ending. The story unfolds perfectly and, because of the title, the ending is (or should be, if I had read it correctly ;) ) a bittersweet twist and not a surprise.

A little constructive criticism:

On line 9 I would change 'hand' to 'palm'. You already used 'hand' to end line 2 and using it again seems a little lazy. Also 'hand' rhymes with 'and' on the previous line making it the only rhyme and distracting.

I would split line 10 into two lines, putting 'word by word' on it's own line. Because you don't use punctuation, the line is hard to understand.

On line 14 you use the word 'hallowed', and I think you meant to say 'hollow'. Hallowed means his eyes have been honored as holy, which may be true, but doesn't go with 'sick twisted smile'. I would also encourage you to use 'hollow' rather than 'hollowed' because the word hollowed would make it sound like he physically scooped out his eyes.

All in all this is a very good poem, well done! I look forward to reading more of your work.

Ciao,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Jenna Marie]

Thank you very much! I appreciate your comments and suggestions! When I write I am normally in a flurry of emotions so punctuation and spelling is not the best.

[L.L. Lily]

This is definitely nice piece, I really love how you conveyed it's supposed emotions. I bet many could relate, and it's kind reminds me of the story i'm writing called Whispers in the wind the same exact deception. Keep writing! :)