Revealing

I am 100% happy with what this poem says ... and 100% UNhappy with how. Definitely a work in progress. Thoughts/suggestions welcome - be brutal.

You were impressed by the painting I hung on the door
The silence was enough to call to you

through the rattling of sidewalk tap dances
Colors, enough to speak to you

through the unchoreographed chaos, drawing your arms in

as though the depths of color were a magnet for the back of your spine
as though its abstract lines were the perfect shape for the missing piece in your puzzled soul
But instead of seeking self-completeness, you poured
your own molten gold over the cracking frame, hung it straight
And stepped inside
(Without noticing the rusty hinge)
and I
Began to coat the walls in canvas
To match everything you loved because
You spoke words into my paintings that I never got to hear and yet
Never wanted to end, and anyway
Everything was more beautiful
when it was the way you loved it
And everything was almost truthful
when I became what hadn’t first existed
And as we walked down the hallways of I Didn’t Know
I found flannel sheet comfort in your company
Enough to cautiously drop the drapes from my
Masterpieces, one by one -
The ones

that no one had seen for fear no one would love
Because the truth is ugly if you can’t handle it and I,
I was Oliver with a twist �" hoping
For one more spoonful of unsweetened heart and soul
And I was little Annie unorphoned,
Blessed with a benefactor of words and arms before
Accidentally,
I unveiled not only beauty in paint,
But the cracked walls and broken frames that hid beneath those drapes
and now I am standing amid the shambles of my beautiful masquerade �"
Some convoluted compilation of Spirit, time and place
Vulnerable
and I’m afraid that you don’t love me anymore.

Reviews

[Ladysue]

I like this very much and thought is was amazingly done...especially the first 12 lines or so...loved the ending also..the flow was good and your phrasing impeccable...

[.]

I like it...got a little lost in the middle..as I think you went off track a little..but loved the ending..

[Alessander]

I think I know what you mean by "being unhappy with the how." This is pretty much a prose piece, disguised in poetic format. That's not to say that it's bad, it just to me seems like another genre. So as an experiment, I would just reformat it like a vignette or paragraph - that might actually help you reconstruct it.

Also, on the "how" vein, some of the expressions, figurative language, imagery, etc were not overly powerful, or when original, worded a bit awkwardly:

"Silence was enough to call you"

That silence being deafening, or being audible, is trite.

"a magnet for the back of your spine"

Does he have a metal spine?

"puzzled soul"

Don't get me started on "soul" lol

Also, maybe cut back on the adjectives/adverbs and abstract diction a bit.

OK, you said be brutal, so I obliged. Phewww. It's almost cathartic. Ok, hopeful this helps.

[zig]

very unvailing, and i like the metaphor, because it really isnt a metaphor, art and identity being mostly the same thing. and i definitly get a "naked" feeling, and the sting of eyeballs examining every inch. as far as "100% UNhappy with how." i guess im not sure what that means, form? image? diction? can you tell me more about the "how"?

zig

[Joel M Frye]

I agree with your first impression, jessica. Will send a message when I have time to comment fully. It's a powerful work now, but can be even stronger. Thank you for the invitation.