Look into my eyes.....

The car marched forward.Forward.Forward.

My lips had grown dry...I licked them; soothing the cracks which once words had seeped from. my nails were painted red that day as I was angry ,they stood out against the milk of my fingers. In my hands were the tulips I'd been ceremonially given on my way to sacrifice and In my closed fingers i stroked crushed petals that had went beyond repair and they weeped.they Weeped.

I held my suitcase to my chest trying to restart my fidgety heart.

   "Huntercombe.we're here!" The taxi driver  opened the people carrier's sliding door to allow me the dignity to face my inevitable fate on my lonesome.I think that door was the door that closed everything off.

I'm still on the peebles outside that hospital even now.

The way to describe huntercombe the psychatric hospital for youths is quite easy...

It was like hogwarts on a budget with a bunch of adolscents who believed they were wizards....

I had recited to myself the fact that things would not seem as bad once I had faced them dead on.

I was bloody wrong.

we were lead to my bedroom minus the room.

my parents had been ever present all my life til then.I could'nt bear to look at them.I was too guilty.

I watched my dad cry for the first time infront of me.

My mother had to take him away like a little boy in her large loving arms.

All else I remember of this moment was I noticed the birds outside.The squaked and moaned as much as the birds in hamilton.

I had wondered if these flying beautiful pests had accents.

During being signed in my mother & I had sat on the bed together in each other company.

We looked like edith piaf on a bad day when Annie strolled in to see the new flesh idly.

Annie was rough.

she was also beautiful and had walked into to welcome herself with a huge mohawk atop her head.

I shook her hand and routined the words I'd learnt which NT's called small talk.

   I could feel the uncertainty of chance.

I decided then and there to take a chance , leaving my self behind on the hospital duvet and strolling in a daze to dinner...

 My name was Jessica.

I'd traveled from scotland all the way down to london as I was too crazy even for scotland.....That takes a lot of crazy.

I was born a female with XY chromosome but something went wrong.The ingredients were off.

The soufflé had collapsed & I was born with autism.

I got out my frustration by eating  pastries constantly.It made me as dull as the sponge of the damn things.

When I turned thirteen though, something was crystalised in the pain of puberty......and I lost control.

I became a fairground mirror to people.They saw this altered totally weird reflection when I was still just jess deep down in my heart.

I started doing something I could never finish & as breath streemed back into my tired veins I would feel defeated & weak.

an occurance in my squlor of a school had sealed my future.I always did hate our school tie.

That afternoon as I left the place ,that pleasent calm of a day finally over reached me.

I saw a ned from my year that had harassed me as welcome for our 1st two years ofhigh school.

 His taunts instead of being greeted with a finger were harboured into a self esteem which even now is practically non existant.

    I walked into the dining room and tried to stand upright.there was something wrong with the balance in my ears and I could feel myself almost slip into some nearby patients just finishing their dinner.

Annie beckoned over to me with a grin like a cheshire cat stamped over her face.

   "Hey...Jess is it?"

I nodded backwords and forwards while hiding my nerves in my dinner.I chewed meekly as everyone was introduced to me.

I was in the drug abuse part of the hospital....I'd never even touched coffee at all in my life.

"this is emma.."

A punk girl with scalped hair,a cheeky personality and long sleeves shook my hand.

"This is vhari"

a sporty girl who seemed out of the surrondings slowly moved her head toward me to show she noticed my presense.

"...and this is Kaamil."                                                                                                                                                                    The first boy I loved....  

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The ward at night was like a chesty lung that breathed with difficulty.a lung belonging to a patient that never slept.

I could only just take gulps that night like a lopsided fish as on the first two nights a patient was watched 24/7......

It was hard to stop myself from laughing or to cease my head at 4 in the morning hitting a radiator in fatique and falling into clumsy sleep.I was even too anxious  to end up doing something as stupid and jessica as that.