Cupid

When I was in college I wrote a series of sadsack Valentine's Day poems because I was (am) an actual sadsack and had to deal with it somehow. This was the first one but it's my favorite.

Cupid

 

Don't listen to the rumors,

They’ll just tell you how he's cute;

They'll say his arrows breed love,

But I say he's just a brute.

 

He flies around, all smiles,

Soft and pink (as babies are)

At least, these are the pictures

Which are, from the truth, so far.

 

His arrows, mesmerizing,

Cause conception of wrong love;

Nobody notes his evil smirk,

Or his black marksman's glove.

 

His targets calculated:

And his evil laugh, so shrill;

He hides behind the baby’s mask

While hopeless' hope he kills.

 

You never see him coming,

Only feel his arrows sting;

Resist the urge to buckle--

You will rue the day you sing

 

The short-lived song, implanted,

Gilt with eyes of diamond light;

Forget the sirens, calling--

It will never turn out right.

 

You'll wake one day to silence,

And you'll wonder where you are--

What happened to the one who sang;

What happened to your flaw'r?

 

He's out there laughing, wickedly--

His joy is your heart's break;

This is Cupid, infant archer:

Plummet, for his sake!

 

Don't listen to the rumors,

He is anything but cute;

Cupid is the devil

Hiding in a baby suit.

Reviews

[JayG]

It's always a bad idea to bend the line to the needs of the rhyme, because the purpose of structured poetry isn't to rhyme, it's the thought being expressed, and how it moves the reader, emotionally. Our goal isn't to impress the reader with our ability to rhyme Moon and June, it's to make them feel and care. As E. L. Doctorow put it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

One danger of forcing the line to the rhyme is that you end up with what's often called, "Yoda Speak," As in, "Which are, from the truth, so far." And who takes Yoda seriously as a poet? 😊

And, making up a word, when you have no rhyme, as in "What happened to your flaw'r?" and expecting the reader to know you want them to pronounce it as "flaar?" Wishful thinking. The reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not your intent.

Obviously, based on the number of posts today, you like writing poetry. And that's great. But the thing that gets in the way of most hopeful writers is that we leave our school years unaware that the only writing techniques we're given there are those our future employers need from us. In the case of writing, it's reports, papers, and letters—all nonfiction. In other words, the kind of thing your teachers so often assigned.

Why don't we learn skills useful to poets? Because all specialties are acquired in addition to the set of general skills we're given in school. In practical terms, it means we leave our school years exactly as knowledgeable in the skills of the poet as in those of the surgeon. But because we don't know that, and think we have what we need...

To fix that, you need to dig into the techniques the pros take for granted. Poetry, after all, has been under refinement for thousands of years. So having a few of those tricks at hand can make a big difference.

Take a look, on Amazon, at the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. You'll be amazed at the things about our language that we use daily, but never notice.

A good book on the subject of poetry is Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. And, visit the Shmoop site. Once there, select Student, and then, via the button to the left of the mid-page search window select Poetry.

There are lots of really great poems, analyzed in depth, to show why, and how they worked so well.

So...I know this isn't the kind of response you hoped for, but since we'll not address the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang on there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[jmwsw]

Thanks for the response. I'm aware of the faults in Cupid. It's a very old poem. Honestly, I don't care about it being perfect because that was never the point. I just wanted to write it. I get the Yoda speak thing, though. But with 'flaw'r', that was actually specific because I wanted to conjure two images simultaneously: flower, and flawer--one in the same in this poem, but if I left it as 'flower' then the reader would not have even thought of the other. 'Flaw'r uses the spelling of one while sounding like the other. That was the reason there. For what it's worth, no one has ever misunderstood that line. I do see your point, though. But, like I said, Cupid super old. All of my poetry is old. I haven't written any in probably 7 years. Cupid was one of the very early ones, obviously it shows. But I'm fine with that. I really have always just written for myself. It's not supposed to be anything but what I'm trying to use it for to accomplish whatever I need it to. I used to relate my poetry to the button in Lost. That's what it was for. If someone else likes it, understands it--great. But I've never once written something hoping to accomplish anything other than that purge. And some of them were merely pointless whims. Also, I wasn't hoping for any kind of response at all. I appreciate you taking the time to give one, the detail and the helpful advice, all of that. All criticism is welcome, but that's not why I'm putting all this old stuff up here. I'm just sharing it. That's all this is.