The Orange Balloon

“I meant to write about death, only life came breaking in as usual.” �" Virginia Woolf

I have never been the type of man to see beauty exist in anything, nor have I ever wanted to be that kind of man. I have neither been nor wanted to be the type of man to see beauty hiding in anything. At the moment, however, I am overwhelmed by inexplicable beauty in the form of rain drops falling outside my window. One, two, three… Something about the rain reminds me of a distant and suppressed memory �" one that happened nearly two months ago.

* * *

It was a late September night. The rain was coming down without remorse. I squinted through the windshield and the rain and the dark for the lines on the road, and tried my best to stay between them. My wife Alice was beside me, and our precious little daughter Mary was in the back seat. We were on our way home from visiting Alice’s parents, so naturally I lit up a cigarette to help loosen the knots in my nerves that only in-laws could tie so tight. I opened the window slightly for the smoke to escape.

            “Stop that now! Smoking’s going to kill you one day, I simply know it will!” Alice hated when I smoked, absolutely hated it.

            “Can you blame me?” I asked with mock exasperation. She was still angry, but I could see the sliver of a smile �" her parents drove her just as crazy. I smiled to myself and for a moment, the rain fell and the car hummed and nothing happened. Then everything happened, all at once. I remember Mary was asking when we’d be home, so I turned around to tell her “soon.” But the rain was blowing in through the open window, and the wheel was slick and my hand lost its grip. Alice grabbed my arm and squeezed hard. I looked over at her. She was staring straight ahead, her eyes opened wide and her mouth unable to utter a sound. I tried to straighten out, but it was too late. Our car had swerved into the other lane, and the dim headlights of another car collided with ours.

* * *

My mind escapes the memory of the wreckage and slides forward a month. Two houses were empty after that day �" one belonging to a young couple. The other, a happy family. I missed them desperately. There was no one to blame but me. With an inexplicable slip of a hand, I killed four people. And two of them �" two of them were… Can a person ever recover from a mistake which killed so many, yet left him alive? I couldn’t learn how to function with the burden of guilt, so I simply didn’t function. I just smoked my days away. I smoked, then I coughed. It became harder for me to breathe. The pain in my heart spread to my chest. I thought the accident had damaged my lungs. The doctor took a couple of x-rays of my chest. He told me I should sit down, and I took a seat. What he told me next is a blur. His mouth was moving, but I heard no sound. Then one word cut through: cancer. The doctor diagnosed it as small cell lung cancer. My prognosis for surviving the next five years was six percent. The doctor was terribly sorry.

* * *

I was admitted into the cancer wing of the hospital. The nurse showed me to my room and then led me to the cafeteria. As I looked for a place to sit, I noticed a little girl with her back to me. She reminded me of Mary. She was alone, so I went over to her. “Do you mind if I sit here?” I asked. The little girl looked up and smiled. I sat down and asked her what her name was. “Lily, like the flower,” she answered. “It is nice to meet you, Lily. My name is Earnest.” Lily was not eating. Instead, she was drawing a picture of an orange balloon going up into the sky. “That is a pretty picture, Lily.” Lily explained that she loves balloons and orange is her favorite color. “I hope that this balloon will reach heaven. I want it to be a gift from me to my mom and dad.”

* * *

Later that day, I asked one of the nurses about Lily. The nurse told me that Lily has leukemia, and that her parents died in a car accident. “Lily is an orphan. No family wants to adopt a child with cancer. It’s sad, but can you blame them?” she told me. I asked the nurse about the orange balloon. Her eyes welled with inexplicable tears. “Lily draws an orange balloon every day, and gives it to me to mail to heaven.”

* * *

Lily and I sit together at lunch every day. She always draws her orange balloon ascending toward heaven. I want to adopt Lily and give her the life she always wanted but never had. One day, Lily did not come to lunch. I figured she was sleeping, so I ate alone. I went back into my room, and there she was, crying on my bed. “Lily, what’s wrong?” She told me that she was having surgery tomorrow. A bone marrow transplant. She lay down on my bed, and I softly stroked her hair. She fell asleep, and I fell asleep in the chair next to her. The next morning, I awoke to find Lily still asleep. I carried her to her room and tucked her in bed. Lily opened her eyes a little and whispered, “I love you, daddy,” and fell back asleep. My heart ached. I leaned over and kissed Lily’s forehead. “I love you too, Lily.” I quietly stepped out of the room, and was surprised to find the nurse from days before waiting for me. In one hand, she held an orange balloon. She held it out to me.

            “Here, you should be the one. She would like that, I think.”

I crept back inside Lily’s room and tied the orange balloon to her bed. Now Lily will finally be able to give her parents a gift.

* * *

Leaving Lily’s room, I couldn’t help turning around to look at her one more time. That’s when I noticed Lily’s chart inside the folder on the wall. I looked more closely, and I found her full name: Lily Elizabeth Remington. I wondered right away. Could it be? I asked one of the head nurses if she knew Lily’s parents. The nurse spoke quietly as she told me that Lily’s parents were the couple that died in that bad car accident two months ago. She told me that a car swerved into the other lane and killed Lily’s parents and the driver’s own wife and little girl. In a splay of sparks, my mind made the connection and everything went blurry. My thoughts raced to that night. The rain, the lights, the sirens. I could barely breathe. The nurse continued to tell me that Lily’s parents had been on their way to the hospital to see Lily. The nurse strained to remember the driver’s name, then she grew silent and stared at me. A whisper escaped under her breath, “Earnest Miller.” I do not know what happened next. It felt like someone was stabbing my lungs with a hot iron, and I could not breathe. I fell to my knees and tried to steady my breathing, but it did not help. The nurse raced me to radiology and took x-rays of my chest. I watched the x-rays as they developed, and I could see it. I could see the cancer. It lit up everywhere on my chest. The doctor came in and told me once again to have a seat. I dug through his medical terminology to find the truth: the chemotherapy and radiation were not working, and there was nothing else that they could do for me.

* * *

The nurse escorts me slowly back to my room. I look up and see Lily sitting on my bed with the orange balloon in her hand. She looks up at me. Our eyes meet, and I can see that she knows about the car accident. She does not say a word but slightly smiles. She comes to me and grabs my other arm. She gently lays me down on my bed, but as she pulls the sheet over my body, I begin to feel like I am lying in my coffin instead. I wanted to give her something that I took away from her, but I cannot even do that anymore. Lily grabs my hands and begins to silently cry. I promise her that everything will be all right. “Earnest, I’m scared,” she whispers. “I know. I know you are, but I will always be right here,” pointing to her heart. Another nurse comes in to end my pain, but I wonder if it would be better to suffer through until the last breath for Lily. After all, I am all that she has left. The other nurse takes Lily’s hand and tells her that it is time for her surgery. Lily goes with the nurse, but she stops at the door. She turns around and looks back at me. “I will see you soon,” she tells me firmly. “I will see you soon, Lily.” Something inside of me knew this to be true. Lily walks out the door with the orange balloon in her hand. I nod to the nurse in my room, and she comes over with the needle. She draws the right amount of dosage and slowly punctures my skin. I see a tear flow down her cheek, and she leaves. I can feel the cancer taking over my body, and all I can do is wait for it to cease me completely. I look outside my window and count the drops of rain. One, two, three… I have never been the type of man to see beauty exist in anything, nor did I ever want to be that kind of man. But I saw beauty exist in the inexplicable form of a little girl, and I became that type of man. As I slowly close my eyes, I see an orange balloon ascend toward Heaven, waiting for me.

 

   “I will see you soon.”

Reviews

[Just Kim]

Wow sad and beautiful, if that makes sense.
Powerful read. Your talent shines.

[Porter]

Oh wow, that was beautiful. Your obvious creativity and writing skills come together very, very well in this story. I would have to say the strongest part of this story comes in the form of the orange balloon, especially when the nurse decides to give Earnest the real balloon to give to Lily. And the breaks and transitions work very well, too. If I were to fix anything, it would be the fact that Lily finds out about the fact that Earnest was the one who killed her parents. I honestly don't think any of the nurses would tell the little girl that Earnest killed her parents, especially to a little child. A way I see around this is to have Lily eavesdrop on the conversation when Earnest finds out that he killed her parents. But this is your story, so definitely do what you will with that advice. Again, fantastic write. I will definitely be reading more of your work in the future. ~Never Forget