Tell Me the Answer Dad

imaginary conversation with my dad

I woke up trying to catch the ten o' clock mass

Ending being late tried to catch eleven

Then Uber raised the price to feed the pockets of the greedy class

Tried to go to the Ube Fest

After I live streamed church

I felt my divine Father gather up the pieces of my hurt

Replacing it with new answers for me to ponder

As my mind drifts and wonder

I heard the bell on my text

I went out to lunch with my best

Found walking with Laurie to be my favorite heaven

Jo and Laurie walking around the water waiting for our table at El Torito

Under green trees in San Leandro

We talked about the new and old

Under the gold California sun we call home

its good to be out again a little woman and little man

Now I sit here writing listening to Jack Johnson

on the couch pb m & ms fill my hand from my melody bowl

wondering where did the good people go?

I am always hearing this certain truth
There is no one else to rely on only the moonlight can get us through
For the moonlight is the messenger of love
I hear the true champion of justice and the righter of wrongs for all evil
Scam after scam and still
When I return there is no hesitation to be fulfilled
With each broken heart
He reached the deepest part
I have known it from the start
Yet I was distracted because sometimes I was lost in the dark
But sometimes we must see the end
Even though we stand at the edge
The fog blinds me and I find myself falling from the ledge
He catches me every time
As I walk in the endless moonlight
I feel the messenger of love shining through
He is the purest champion of love and justice
Through a cartoon
I feel the messenger of love with the moon

one mind and heart feels so far apart

I wonder what my daddy would say

knowing who my lover was this week

would you scold me

would you hold me

didnt you see i was so lonely

i tried to be strong

i was just a human girl all along

its the reason why God knows all

we only see what we can see

why He put himself on the cross

we are only human we cant see the true cost

we cant see ourselves when we get lost

in his arms HE catches my fall

when the miami building collapsed HE saves them all

i block and unblock

so now the dude dont take the girl serious

this is humanity

so dont be judging me

i know i am flawed

i am sorry for it all

i loved him and his dark side

i see like a child

i run and untamed so wild

maybe this is why i am single

i am a unicorn

but in a human body

i am an angel

earth bound because i was captured by a lovers spell

oh daddy please say a prayer for me

I dont want to burn in hell

they tell me to let go

i know

my heart and mind shouldnt be so far apart

when you left life got so hard

i tried my best i failed the test

he tells me my a*s is amazing

when everyone else laughs call me so fat

how do you say goodbye completely to someone like that

oh tell me the answer dad

one day i will let you go

the inner child good girl will heal

realize I am worthy of love

someway this dream will be real

for a long time i never felt enough

this is why i am here

we are broken

baby its clear

his kisses are like sugar water

it feels so good

even if it burns us in the fire

oh sweet lover

what are you addicted to

i am your sanity

its a lot to put on me

he wants his cake and eats it too

i forgive the weak humanity that controls thee

yet i am no cake

you are my love and my heartache

my passion and my pain

here i learn about loving without much in return

yet he makes me happy when i am with him i feel our souls ignite

how do i turn away wrong or right

oh Lord lead the way tonight

after our love making was done he said thanks for receiving me

add that line in your poetry

thanks for meeting me

thanks for not leaving me

i tell him why dont you just forget me

he says he will never this tie is hard to sever

when i try the missing is all i remember

i keep him around he makes me forget i am lonely

he calls my fat a*s amazing

there is no finances exchanged

sometimes i think its better that way

no agreements or lawsuits

no broken vows no nothing

yet what of the other side

it must be something

mr right

does he wait for me somewhere out there

have i settled to be dumb for life

I just dont know what to do

how do you let go of the fun

in my place

with no true escape

sure he goes back to his wife

i dont want him to leave her for me

no matter what happens its a sin anyways

they tell me to try harder to stay away

i agree and yet i know deep inside

this feeling cant go away

maybe he is my sanity too

i am addicted too

2 fools in love

i just pray to Mother Mary and JC above

Send me some good luck

I lost you at 29

Me and my best friend had a fight

Found  the man of her dreams

Then left me with a quickness

Thought I was feeling the jealousness

But I was feeling the hurt from the slash she left in my arm

Then she tried to lure me with her clairvoyant charm

She should have known that my father would come to shield me from harm

Now she is the name I never say

Voldemort came through my own door

Yet I got rid of her meanness with a strength I never felt before

Since my fathers death life became bleak and sad

I thought i found my man

Yet he left me like a plastic bag

My work mates were nice

Yet the drama became stronger I had to escape before I got pulled under

It is hard to get money

every one pays me minimum wage

though i have so much experience

yet here I am a medical assistant but i cant complain

i still have my own money in the bank

but daddy i fell in love with a married man

i grew up to be a mistress dad

he is the best sex I ever had

sometimes i think its love

I try to stay away but he always begs me back

they say its my fault because i let him

why must i say good bye if he keeps coming

why must i be ashamed if we are what we like

all that stuff in his life i didnt break

yet here we are in the bed we made

i am not proud

i try other guys

i cant lie

he is still the best sex in my life

oh i must tell you Dad

I cant tell mom

She probably already knows

But I have no where else to go

I wish I could still hear your voice

even if its to hear you yell and scream

i lost my dogs Austin, Daizy and KIDDO

I hope you are with them having fun in the rainbow sun

life can be so lonely when you are only one

every one asks me if i am alright

i tell them i am fine

how do you tell the truth

so i put it on the page

as if we are talking face to face

i am 41 but my soul is fourteen

i still miss my daddy

i dont mean to be a bad sheep

thats what they call me jokingly

i know i am fucked up

but i am a human only searching for love

i wish i could be a nun

but i couldn't keep the vow

i like the way he touches me now

i didnt want to break

i dont want to lie

i dont want to do bad things

all the time since you left i have been sad

when he holds me i just feel a bit more glad

we are broken but he was never stolen

maybe its all pretense

nothing makes sense

life is so hard

i wish you were here to tell me the answer dad

send me a sign

write it in the sand

everything will be alright

hello beautiful

those were your last words

every time i see them on those cute bags

i have a feeling you are near

i am still your daughter here.

i wrote this last one with tears in my eyes

i still miss you after all this time

sorry i was such a brat

i didnt even give a crap

i was crazy and lazy

i have no excuse

i just really miss you

i was too broken to stay on guard

i am tired inside my heart

i walk all apart

maybe its why the right guy cant get in

i am in a tunnel with BEN

IS he my imaginary friend

missing me again and again

oh daddy just make the nightmares end

i dont know the question

what did you always say

you will miss me when i am gone

i would say but your not going anywhere

oh daddy  for you I say a prayer

Thanks for hearing me I feel better

Send me a sign

I will find mr. right

everything will be fine

put it in my hand

tell me the answer dad.

are you looking over my shoulder the way you used to

irritating me i would scream at you to move

as i typed on the computer screen checking i wasnt writing about you

sorry for the one time i did do

it was embellishment it wasnt true

always know i still love you

no there is nothing I wouldnt give

just to have you near

nothing i wouldnt do

so i know you hear

i write this with a tear

i miss my daddy dear.