Positivity

Tears roll down my cheeks as if it were the runoff blood of the soldiers of my mind’s enemy and my darkest secrets are arranged to detonate at the slightest thought of ease.

The detonation quickens your breath, reminds you of your insecurities, and wreaks havoc in order for alacrity to remain subservient to the ideology of guilt, regret and burden of my mind.

It’s like the crazy uncle at family parties, where others don’t have to try very hard to achieve superiority over him because of seniority.

He remains parallel, with no luck of intersecting due to his lack of attendance and failed attempts of establishing himself because he lacks the empowerment and representation of his peers.

It is a firefighter who cannot contain the flames as they grow into a wild fire; with inadequacy as my accelerant and insecurities for kindling, a person who once loved and found worth in herself is now lost in the fire and soon to be forgotten in the ashes.

Reassurance and validation are my choices of drink during the Prohibition, as a pleasant shiver runs through my veins temporarily due to positivity being an indulgent behind the closed doors of my mind because it has become outlawed through the years.

 

There will come a day where the hidden troops retreat and detonate the suppression of positivity as the crazy uncle laughs at the prevalent ideologies arguing over who gets to stand on the pedestal of lies.

He laughs because he has exposed these ideologies- guilt, regret and burden as bullshit and drinks a beer in celebration of the expansion of self-appreciation and gradual recession of all that bullshit who had wronged him before.

A firefighter who is able to put out the flames and admire the woman before them who has saved bits and pieces of the person she used to be before the war broke out in her mind.

She uses these bits and pieces to compose a symphony in triumph of surpassing the adversity expected to tear her down.

And on that day, I will look in the mirror as my self-esteem, that was once flammable kindle of a woman’s insecurities, sits in silence following the sound of the last bullet echoing within my consciousness.

Alas, my mind, that used to be a battlefield, will become a field full of sunflowers that absorbs positivity and value through the stems and embraces the warmth she receives as the clouds dissipate and positivity emanates through her.