My pain

People say write about what you know. So why is it that I cant stop writing about pain? I always start trying to write about something new or something more pleasant but I soon find myself not being able to finish. All I can write is this. Pain. And I think its because pain is a feeling that we all share and is easy to describe but hard to forget. I went on for months on end thinking my pain was all in my head, that I was being dramatic. But once the pain increased and my cutting increased with it I realized it wasn't in my head.

Psychologists say that young teenage girls cut to gain control over their life. But I did it just to forget the pain of my broken heart. I would do anything to get my mind off of that pain. Because even though cutting hurt and it left scars the pain didn't last. But my heartbreak did. I still think back to those dark dark summer days. I spent nights on end crying endlessly and cutting till I couldn't bare it anymore. The scariest thing about what I was doing wasn't me hurting myself but me disguising it so well. Sure I spent my nights crying but I spent my days with a smile plastered on to my face. Because I wasn't going to let anyone see me like this.

I was scared, scared that I would be perceived as "weak" or "fragile" because that is the last thing I wanted to be. I was ashamed I knew I was better than this I couldn't believe I had done this to myself over some stupid relationship. But that's where I was wrong, I understand now I wasn't cutting because of the relationship ending I was cutting because I couldn't recognize myself anymore. When he broke me he didn't just break my heart but he broke my identity.

I had no sense of who I was anymore, I felt lost and weak. The thing I loved about myself, my self confidence and my strength were gone and that's what hurt me the most. Knowing that I would no longer be the same person I was. Maybe the psychologists were right you know, maybe I was just trying to control something in my life for once. Cause I couldn't control him leaving, I couldn't control my friends moving away and I could control my heart hurting, but one thing I could control was the pain I CHOSE to feel.