A Sinking Heart

You never say hello first. Why am I always the one who has to start the conversation,

I speak first, but you're the one who acknowledges the other between the two of us,

You stare before I begin to look,

Who am I to disagree when standing on the other side of this invisible wall,

I open the door and fall into your world.

This is a night in nostalgia, the air is warm and the evening luminescent and comforting

Speaking to you is like another dream I can't quite remember or forget.

There’s a song in the background that keeps playing in my mind and I can’t shake it off.

Why doesn't it stop slowing down when you come across,

There is nothing but a moment; still as my heart beats.

In other words hold my heart gentle to the thoughts of you

An adventure awaits at the glimpse of you, no time to notice what lies ahead, running at full speed beginning to wonder if I should worry about the results of this night or till later.

She cautiously coaxed committed parlance a mistake I made for ambivalent emotions to be held.

I no longer want to be adored but venerate my soul with it’s withheld youth and verve.

Unchain these repressed actions I was too timid to make in time,

The man you adored has been made into the meek and humble farce I now display.

To not be able to say anything you know that could be of value to someone else, to not even be able to act on and show that person what you know; acting yet not letting anyone know what you are trying to say.

As this carries on, a part of you begins to die as time progresses.

Oh god this heat why won’t it stop

I am sitting still, yet I feel as if my head is unstill,

Is my mind fidgeting?

I have just arrived and there is nothing I can say or do to stop this heat that keeps growing inside of me.

Let there be a breeze gentle and calming.

It begins to show, why does it show so easily,

I’m trying so hard, but sweat begins to drip

Falling down my cheek as if I were to be crying.

Let it be known that I am alone

This song,

I get up and I move.

Tell me quick why does my head keep spinning

My heart won’t stop pounding I am standing and it won’t stop this unbearable thumping,

Why is it so loud?

Why does it keep playing in the background?

I can’t concentrate tonight my fingers are moving, but not the way I want them to.

There is someone sitting, but I feign to not acknowledge her,

I keep writing as the internal heat and tension rises.

I want to say something, anything; I am panting, sweat drips again.

The moon begins to sing and I can’t stop from smiling, showing my true colors.

A deepened emotion hidden so well I’ve forgotten how to find it

The moon is full tonight,

Time is fleeting but I manage to linger on my dear

Have I gone senile my mind begins to lose itself, but there is a smile, you are in my dreams

This is another story, Why’d you come down, How’d you come down, so far

I want to stare at you all weekend, The night’s not even begun, so,

How’d you come down, how’d you come so far down

Speaks in tongues I can’t fully comprehend but I display a persona that understands every word she is saying.

I close my eye’s wipe the stress of my brows and shut the world out.

My thoughts are lost.

I am singing alone in this world, dancing for myself to the beat of no drum.

This mind is empty so the world still spins me off my feet.

Wait there’s another, just another ending same standing as always.

I am too coward to begin on my alone to run nowhere on my own looking for someone and an inconspicuous destination.

It’s hard to be soft, but so easy to be tender when there is something I want to show

Let them see me being pathetic, yet still hold a stern face

My heart keeps beating as if it’s pounding on it’s last day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is beneath the deep end there’s a silver lining.

However I don’t know the depth of my loneliness, when will I arrive so I can begin to live where everyday was better than the last

I want to see you squirm like you’re painted black, down to your soul

I want to see you move, move like you are on fire

I’ve never stopped looking in your direction,

Staring from up above, waiting for you to look up.

Speak in tongues I can’t comprehend,

Moves with grace even if it’s just a few steps,

Don’t come any closer I’ll reach for you,

Say anything even if it's not true

Let me hear you above this song that keeps playing in the background

Raise me up I know you haven’t come down, so far down, why would you come down, so far down, if it wasn’t for me, to extend your hand so I can reach out of this shell

There’s no reason why you would paint yourself black unless it was for me…

Time has passed by and I have just noticed it’s running too fast, why won’t it slow down this one time?

I can’t keep myself in perpetual confinement.

My hand begin to move as if I am playing the keys,

She leaves the room and there is a deep and quiet voice of regret, but I am smiling 

Maybe it is my spirit, as it begins to heal,

It can not mend itself on it’s own it needs the world to help even if it’s just for awhile.

I forgot how closely it was brought to music, my favorite meal.

And so on, it goes nothing but shadows are left in my peripheral as my vision fades,

I zone into my mind nothing in the world not even the worries of tomorrow that could last a lifetime matter at this moment.

It is only when I begin to splurge myself I gain a new perspective on myself to the point where I lose control and my hands begin to tremble...

My heart won’t stop this pounding, but now I don’t mind it as much, I quite like it now.

Moving along much thanks for coming and giving the spirit to do so.

Why this morning I awoke with nothing but darkness.

Red lights shine on my day.

I get up, only half dressed; this morning is unbeknownst to me

I have to leave this depth

Why can’t I move so easily as I used to...

I have pondered to my destination

As I arrive, my train of thought is lost

She begins to talk, I am still in my ever pretending

Speaks in tongues I can’t fully comprehend but display a persona that understands every word she says

I close my eye’s wipe the stress of my brows and shut the world out

My thoughts are lost

I am singing alone in this world dancing for myself to the beat of no drum

My mind is empty this world still spins me off my feet

Wait there’s another just another ending same standing as always

I am too coward to begin on my alone to run nowhere on my own looking for some inconspicuous destination

It’s hard to be soft, but so easy to be tender when there is something I need

I guess what I’m trying to say that beneath the deep end there’s a silver lining

However I don’t know the depth of my loneliness, when will I arrive so I can begin to live where everyday was better than the last.

I begin to think change the track I am listening to

Realize why do I have the tendency to be alone to be so down when no one knows it

I’ll just pretend to be a man get up and do what is needed

Even in this world where I get lost at every turn

Honestly I had forgotten how to be poor and limit myself to the thoughts I wish to indulge in.

Shall I move to this rhythm my body is not use to dancing for?

To live, a beautiful life where the wind blows and the world an amenity.

I am no longer nervous, but my heart still flutters

I stick out my hand and it is steady.

How can I not raise my head even if I am alone, when it feels like the weight of this stone chained to my leg gets heavier the further I fall

Forget how to breathe,

I gasp for a breath and your romantic mist floods me.

Author's Note

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