A Letter from Satan

Not meant to be an insult towards Christians/Christianity. Just a look at the possibility of Satan still having some of the nice personality from when he was an angel.

I never know how to start these things, always feeling so awkward and not knowing whether I should be casual or formal. Feels like being a teenager too nervous to admit their feelings of intimacy to another, as if every line and word is being held to the highest standards.

But I digress; on to the business of this letter you happened upon while going through your seemingly insignificant life...no offense.

Stop fearing me. That's right, I said it. Stop being afraid of the devil, because I'm not that much of a bad guy. Yes, I damn a few souls to eternal damnation in black abyssmal fire here and there but you would too if you were in my position!

These aren't exactly nice guys I'm damning here you know, these are some really messed up people that are down here, people who would love to screw things up in Heaven. I'm not the bad guy everyone seems to think I am, I'm not some omnipotent being trying to twist your lives around and add you to my "army of the damned". I'm just doing the time that was sentenced to me for being an a*s to the big man upstairs.

By the way, I don't have power over you so stop being paranoid that I'm going to force you to sacrifice virgins, commit adultery and attend blood orgies. Stop blaming my "influence" for every little bad thing that humanity does! He created you with the ability to choose so stop putting it all on me, my feelings can be hurt too you know. It's bad enough that I'm stuck here with only sociopaths to keep me company (so many of them and not a single one with a sense of humor), I don't need billions of other people putting hate on me for things I didn't do.

As a side note, I want to apologize for satanists and heavy metal. I think a lot of the blame for the actions of satanists can probably be contributed to how I was during my rebellious phase. And heavy metal...loud and obnoxious "music", usually involving middle-aged sweaty men in tights with excessive body hair yelling gibberish into a microphone? Yeah, somebody has to apologize for that. I also want to say sorry for the platypus...my bad.

For those of you viewing me in the bad light that the Bible has been casting on me for a few centuries now, please try to remember that it was one of you who wrote it and humans are far from perfect, it is possible for a few mistakes to show up here and there. Really hard to swallow that a freakin' book ruined any semblance of a good reputation that I might have ever possibly gotten. I'm not the "big bad Satan" that too many of you people seem to believe I am.

Finally, to you Atheist arseholes out there going around and saying that I don't exist? I may not exist to you but at least I'm not doomed to an eternity in Purgatory! Satan one, Atheists zero.

So that wraps up this letter for you, mortal reader. I hope this is enlightening to you and that I might have helped properly educate at least one soul. So don't go through life fearing me, live a little and be yourself, don't beat yourself up over the small mistakes that every human makes; those aren't damnable sins. It's fine to be a part of a religion/faith but don't let that be all that you are.

And always remember...I am REALLY sorry about the platypus.

-Lucifer

Reviews

[Gretchen Clarke]

Wow, this was funny. I liked how he kept mentioning the platypus. XD LOL
This wasn't that insulting, and I'm Christian. I'm also not severely so like my grandparents.
Keep up the great work!
"I also want to say sorry for the platypus...my bad." XD