I blame myself

a little story about my grandfather recently passing

Some nights I want to cry.I want to hurt myself. I want to do everything possible to make sure that in the morning I wont be alive. There never a good reason as to why I feel this way, sometimes my mind and thoughts get the best of me and I just can’t handle myself anymore. I waste my tears on things that always break my heart. But tonight I’m not wasting them I’m crying for a good reason. That reason being that one of the most wonderful people in my life was past away and ill never see him, hear his voice, walk into the house and hear his stupid talk radio anymore. You’ve been gone for a little over a month now and I still can’t get myself to go to the house and I don’t think I ever will be able to. You not being there truly breaks my heart, everyday I wake up and tell myself that it was just a dream but you’re really gone. You’re really not here anymore, you left me in this messed up and broken world. Writing this brings me to tears, but in so many ways it could be good for me. Maybe it’s a way of me letting go and moving on and becoming strong like you would want me to be.

         Well here we go here’s the start to my story. That opening yeah it was my thoughts me crying, because on January 2^nd 2016 my grandfather suddenly died. Literally suddenly, it was an out of no where thing it all happened within I want to say about 3 hours. My heart broke when daddy called my mom I literally fell to the ground I had lost myself because the man I loved the man that was one of the biggest parts of my life had died. I think what hurt the most is that just 2 days before you were literally so happy and perfectly healthy that nothing was going to happen to you, but we were wrong. Pop you will truly always be the man I loved the man I looked up to as much as I never showed it you were truly the man that I always loved.

         I blame myself for your death every single day. The fact that I could have gone to see you and didn’t breaks my heart. I wish I could have done anything to stop you from passing away but there was no way I could have only if we knew sooner about you not feeling good we could have saved you and you would still be here. I love you pop. If there was anything I could do to make it so you were still here I would. If there was anything I would have done to not see my daddy cry the way he did when you died then I would have. If there was anything I could do to stop myself from falling to my knees everyday from crying because I miss you then I would. Just know that we all love you and we all want you back here. With your talk radio on and your big belly and your everything. I love you to the stars and back forever and always.