Freak out

it is dairy of a lost person

Okay for starters it’s not my wedding day. It’s been over a month since the result came. I’m cool. I’m awesome. Are you kidding me? What do you expect? That I’m happy? That I don't care? No. I am not happy. And all the crappy things I say that people call advice, that’s for them. Not me. I promise myself that I’ll study today, I’ll study tomorrow; but I end up watching last two seasons of how I met your mother in two days. That’s literally 24 hours approximately. Am I insane? Who should I talk to? I don't want their pity stuff. I don't want them to ‘oh honey’ me. So what do I do? I write it all up. That’s right. Throw all your frustration at me (says laptop). It's so scary. Everyone keeps telling me ‘ I’m there…I’m there…’ but the fact is at the end of the night when I open my books it's just me, all by myself. And there is nothing I can do about it. This sucks. But what can I do? My mom is seeing an astrologer to fix my fucked up life. I am ashamed. I am ashamed of waking up every morning knowing that I am something, I have talents but I still can’t do anything about it. I make bad decisions. Nothing works out for me. But the truth is I don’t want this. I want a life where I can wake up and feel good about myself I want a little independence. I want to do something with this girl in me that pretty much everyone says is awesome but she thinks of herself as a complete failure. I don't know anymore. What if this not a freak out? What if this is a wake up call? I have heard ‘nobody loves their job’ but at least they are somewhere settled. I don’t even know anymore that I want to be writer or I just want to write. I love to write. It's because it brings something out of me that’s frustration. I’ve written so much in times and I know I’m not even that good. But I want to do something that I really like doing. Adding some debits and credits to get couple of bucks doesn’t make me happy. Earlier at least I was moving somewhere in life. Now I am just stuck. “Doing big” yeah that’s the dream. But how is that even possible. Life is nothing like I imagined it would be.  For one thing I was sure is if I love a guy she will knows all about him. But here we are on two different paths. It's just so complicated some times. And I can’t share it with anyone. She is the one person I’m still hung over on in these two years. How can I forget her? Pretty soon she’ll be leaving India she has moved on and she will settle. But I, I am still at the place I was two years before….yes if u really want to know I am freaking out.

Author's Note

any kind of review is appriciated

Reviews

[Lyingwithlions]

The fact that the girl is questioning the freak out is proof that she is aware of herself.
Therefore I believe she is truly alive and growing in a positive direction. I would compare the freak out to climbing up a set of stairs into the unknown. Does she take that next step up towards uncertanay and the unframilair? Or does she turn around and step back down to her stale comfort that has lead her to these stairs in the first place? I think she should run up those steps.

[StimulateyourCreativity]

I have these worries myself sometimes, got to be an optimist! Great write!

[....................]

what i like about this is that it is written just like you would speak it and I can sense the frustration in the quick topic changes, the short sentences, the tone...you capture that frustration very well and in doing so, you touch on some key things that frustrates us all...what is is really all about? why are we here? what happens when the person we love doesn't love us? what should I do with my life?... and if we think about these things too much, we certainly can, 'freak out' :)...but, at least you are writing about it and writing is therapy...it's the first step...

[Kajal Sharma]

great review.....thank you so much

[....................]

my pleasure :)

[Writergirl]

Writing is very therapeutic, at least it is for me, so keep writing. I enjoyed reading :)