dear papa

i've not felt this much in a long time.

at least four years.

and i am so sorry.

i wish i could take away all your pain.

all these pills f**k you up so good.

but its okay,

the f**k me up too.

i wish i could give you my young years

and i'll take all of your

disappointment and agony

and push it deep down

to the center of my being

just like i'm so good at doing.

i know you're still in there

and it still makes me cry when you sing to me

and tell me that i deserve a real gentleman.

i can't help but feel guilty

because there is nothing i can do.

this is where this specific hate stems from.

i would trade the world for you.

i want you to know that

but you can't hear me right now

through all you've been through.

your mind is too foggy to find me.

that's what i hate the most.

i know you're still there

i just cant reach you.