Angelic or Demonic

Angelic or Demonic

A Story by Kendrick Lem
"

two small passages I was challenged upon during language ap class that compare children

"
#1 Sweet Carolina
I move the pink blanket away and find her dancing in a deep dream. Down a thin line of rusty golden hair, in between a pair of long lashes, lies a soft button nose. Her cheeks, round like rosy colored baked buns, moved up and down with the motion of her short breaths. Her lips are lusciously soft like marshmallows. She's a porcelain doll, no doubt about it.

#2 Terrible Three
The three year old, born and raised from hell, arrived at my doorstep with my aunt. I knew for sure that she was possessed and believed that thing I was to babysit is the "cutest, most well-behaved child ever". HA. Of course she would say that because she did not see my room after the first two times I babysat that creature. He tore up my bedsheets like a rabid dog while jumping up and down on my laptop like a hardened trampoline. He went through my drawers like a hurricane leaving trails of wet saliva whoever he went. I could cal out that uncontrollable monster, but I can't. His personality changes, raises his voice's pitch and apologizes to my parents and his parents- while watering his eyes I might add- saying that it was an "accident", manipulating all the adults into a trap. Perhaps he will lead a cult of parents one day...

© 2014 Kendrick Lem


Author's Note

Kendrick Lem
I would love critiques on how to make these passages better or what "worked" or just comment. Please note that I do enjoy being blunt and make things seem more extreme than they actually are.

My Review

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Featured Review

The first passage is very clear and very dull. Not much is to be expected from a sleeping child, but some readers want the writer awake to the possibility making even a nap interesting. Perhaps a dainty little sleep fart?

The second passage is not as clear but much more interesting. Quirks are interesting, the child's, the babysitter's, the aunt's and the parents' quirks all make for good material.
The first two sentences could be clearer to inform the reader immediately who is who. "The child" is gender neutral which makes the "she" a vague pronoun reference until the reader has completed the sentence (even then the use of "thing" instead of say "boy" causes reader eye stoppage .) It is not until the fifth sentence the child's gender is specified.

This piece could also benefit from being broken up into more than one paragraph for reader ease and dramatic effect.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Kendrick Lem

9 Years Ago

thank you so much for the commentary and suggestions!



Reviews

The first passage is very clear and very dull. Not much is to be expected from a sleeping child, but some readers want the writer awake to the possibility making even a nap interesting. Perhaps a dainty little sleep fart?

The second passage is not as clear but much more interesting. Quirks are interesting, the child's, the babysitter's, the aunt's and the parents' quirks all make for good material.
The first two sentences could be clearer to inform the reader immediately who is who. "The child" is gender neutral which makes the "she" a vague pronoun reference until the reader has completed the sentence (even then the use of "thing" instead of say "boy" causes reader eye stoppage .) It is not until the fifth sentence the child's gender is specified.

This piece could also benefit from being broken up into more than one paragraph for reader ease and dramatic effect.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Kendrick Lem

9 Years Ago

thank you so much for the commentary and suggestions!
This is pretty good. I could just see these two very different children.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Kendrick Lem

9 Years Ago

thank you!

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178 Views
2 Reviews
Added on July 27, 2014
Last Updated on July 27, 2014
Tags: imagery, diction, baby, cousin, personality, marshmallows, blanket, read, monster, children, compare

Author

Kendrick Lem
Kendrick Lem

torrance, CA



About
I'm just a guy who wants to share my creative writing more..

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A Story by Kendrick Lem