All those years ago

Disabled, My story
An excuse I have to face the reality
And go crashing head first 
In hope to disfigure my broken body
But nothing works 
I remain broken and disabled 
Inside this shelf 
Its been life 
and the only thing i can learn
is the broken part of me
so henceforth i have the trouble in recognizing the reality
there's pain and empty void that I can never fill
a struggle to keep up with the things i never want 
and blinded are the things i need 
i pick the blade to cut open my skin 
to take the pieces apart and throw them away 
as so it happens i slowly lose everything
a curse at its best 
i'm trapped inside my f*****g insecurities 
i fought a million times 
and each time it tightened the reins 
now i cant move
a phase of time just disappeared
and i can't cry for the creep in me
walks to the edge of the world 
and plays the dance of death 
if i could change something i would 
all those years ago 
that little child crying for the first time 
i would just kill him
right there and then