dear you,

i can’t even tell if it takes me the whole month to realize i’m not in love.

maybe i’ve known all along that

her kisses do nothing but

twist my gut into uneasy knots

and the affection feels weird,

wrong.

i don’t deserve to receive it

when my heart isn’t in it.

why can’t my heart be at ease,

why can’t i just fall in love and

make everything okay,

why is this so

hard

it’s as shame that i fear her

while she holds me

i feel so nauseous

i missed you

if only i could mean it too

i love you

i’m so sorry

i don’t know what i’d do without you

please don’t say that

you’re my whole life

don’t do this to yourself

i’m so afraid of doing this to you

i don’t want to hurt you

i’m so sorry for lying

i wish i could make this right but i know

it won’t end well

and you’ll end up more hurt than me  

i wish i could tell you but

you get so

mad

so angry with me

so hurt

i’m afraid.

maybe this was only a

cover up

just a beard that i’m too afraid to

shave away

people won’t see me in the same light

if i do

you didn’t deserve this

and i guess

it’s my fault

i made the first move,

said the first words

but you popped the question,

i wasn’t ready.

i don’t think i ever will be.

this is a mess

i don’t know how to feel

im sorry

i'm sorry, my sunshine.

so, so sorry.

Author's Note

rant // uh idk this isnt good but im feeling bad things and it had to go somewhere also i'm so sorry