Doctor Faustus-- Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love Satan.

Yet another rewrite of the Faust legend.

   The Characters:   Dr. Faustus- A Doctor (on tv)

                              Satan- The Fallen One, Father of All Lies, 

                              and not at all a nice man

                              Wagner- Servant to Dr. Faustus

                              Mephistopheles- lower demon and part time Stockbroker 

                              Beelzebub- lower demon and aspiring rapper

                              Various other characters to be named later

  Faustus sits in his study

     

  Faustus: Man, I'm really getting tired of all these sick losers! They're all like

  "Wahhh! There's an arrow in my eye,  Wahhh- my arms got pulled off by a 

  thresher!  Wahhh! A cathedral was being built and collapsed on me!".

  I'd sell my soul for some peace and quiet!!

  Satan: Would you sell your soul for a Klondike Bar?

  Faustus: Ummm......  Not for just one.

  Satan: Boy, you drive a hard bargain.  Alright, two then!

  Faustus: I think I want a bit more for my immortal soul.

  Satan: Alright, two Klondike bars and a Darryl Strawberry Rookie card..

  Faustus: Oh, come on you cheap b*****d! You can give me anything I want,

  and we're bargaining like two guys at a yard sale!

  Satan: Well, I'm not going to just say "I'll give you anything you want", I 

  need to start small and let you talk me up.

  Faustus: You're the Prince of Hell! Who made up that rule?

  Satan: Some guy in accounting named Ed.

  Faustus: You're kidding me!

  Satan: I'm not! Do you have any idea how much paperwork I do?

  I spend hours doing pie charts, bar graphs, power point presentations, 

  and cost-benefit analyses-- do you think I can just snap my fingers and 

  make stuff appear?

  Faustus: Ummm, how do you do it then?

  Satan: Requisition forms.... Millions of them!

  Faustus:  So, if I asked for a Ferrari?

  Satan: I'd offer you a Yugo, then let you talk me into a Toyota Corolla.

  Faustus: I can see that this is going to be a pain in the butt!

  Satan: Well, it's a buyers market! I have lots of people offering to sell

  their souls, so I can be choosy. If you don't want to sell to me, you can 

  try some other guys and see what you can get.

  Faustus: Well, who else is buying souls?

  Satan: Not many this time of year, what with the holiday rush and all.

  I hear that the Scientologists make YOU pay to give them your soul. 

  Maybe you should try the Shriners. I do know this guy Swifty who buys 

  souls wholesale and resells them at retail after a new pain job.... but 

  he did get into some trouble when he was caught rolling back the odometers.

  Faustus: I see. Buy the way, how did you get into my study?

  Satan: Your servant let me in-- I told him I was selling subscriptions to 

  the Catholic Digest. Not too bright a guy if you ask me.

  

  Enter Wagner.  

  Wagner: Hey doc, some guy named Stan wants to sell you some magazines!

  Faustus: Yes! I see!  You doofus-- he's been talking to me for twenty minutes!

  Hello!, McFly!

  Satan: What?

  Faustus: Nothing-- just a movie reference. Forget it.

  Satan: So, do you want to sell me your soul? I've got important things to 

  do if you don't.

  Faustus: Like what?

  Satan: I've got thousands of people who have already sold their souls who 

  need constant help...  How do you think Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey get 

  into all those movies-- by being funny and talented? Please!!

  Faustus: Oh, alright-- come back at 8 P.M.-- I'll have a list of what I want 

  for my soul then.

  Satan: See you then, Satan out!

  Exit Satan

  Enter Beelzebub and Mephistopheles 

  Beelzebub: Yo, yo, yo! Beelzebub in the house! B to the beezy, E to the easy!

  Faustus: Who the hell are you two?!

  Mephistopheles: We were looking for Satan, isn't he here?

  Faustus: No, he just left.

  Beelzebub: Damn! I wish he would tell us his travel plans-- we missed 

  him by only five minutes at Lady GaGa's house.

  Mephistopheles: As long as we're here, can I interest you in some Enron stock?

  Faustus: Man, you guys really are evil!

  8 P.M.- reenter Satan

  Satan: I'm back, let me see that list. (reading) Hmmnn....  20 gallons of 

  de-hydrated water...  an autographed picture of The Invisible Man.... a left

  handed water glass..... a bucket of plaid paint..... one lead balloon-- 

  what kind of stupid list is this!?

  Faustus: I'm just yanking your crank! I want twenty years of you doing 

  whatever I want, whenever I want it.

  Satan: Damn you!!

  Faustus: Soon enough! Is it a deal?

  Satan: Oh, alright-  twenty years, then it's straight to Hell!

  Faustus: Do I need to sign something?

  Satan: Yes, you need to write this forty page contract in your own blood 

  and sign it- also in your own blood. I don't think it should take more than 

  three gallons.

  Faustus: Three gallons?!

  Satan: Now who's yanking who's crank?

  Faustus: JERK!

  Satan: Don't get your panties in a bunch! I just need to brand you with this red 

  hot poker that reads "I get on my knees for Clay Aiken" on your forehead.

  Faustus: WHAT!?

  Satan: Ha, ha!

  Faustus: B***h!

  Satan: Hey, they don't call me "father of all lies" for nothing!

  Faustus: Alright-- tell me what Hell is really like.

  Satan: Oh, it's fantastic! Everyone has it all wrong, everyone just sings 

  all day long- it's great!

  Faustus: The first thing I want to do is something I've wanted to do since

  I was a little boy.

  Satan: What's that?

  Faustus: To give Mister Rodgers an atomic wedgie!

  Satan: Ohhhhkayyy......  Why?

  Faustus: I don't know, he just irks me.

  Satan: As you wish-- Satan out!

  Scene two- back in Faustus's study

  Faustus: Boy, that was fun!

  Satan: He squealed like a little girl!

  Faustus: You didn't have to set him on fire, though.

  Satan: Oh, lay off-- I was just having fun!

  Faustus: It stopped being fun when his eyes melted.

  Satan: I just can't get over his reaction....  He was all like "Aiiieeeee, help me!

  My eyes! For the love of God, someone put me out!"   Tee-Hee!

  Faustus: No more face melting unless I say so!

  Satan: Oh, you're no fun anymore! What do you want to do next?

  Faustus: Let's go short-sheet the Popes bed!

  Satan: Is that the best you can come up with?

  Faustus: What do you mean?

  Satan: Why don't we melt his face?

  Faustus: What is it with you?!

  Satan: I'm evil! It's kind of my job.  You have no idea what I've done in the past.

  Remember Job? What the bible story doesn't mention is that on top of all

  the things I did to him, I also afflicted him with erectile dysfunction, herpes,

  club tongue, athletes nose, and forked uvula.

  Faustus: Well, it's time you started being nice.

  Satan: I can't! I'm constrained by my nature! I can no more be nice than you 

  can be a can of Spam.

  Faustus: Maybe I should get a refund.

  Satan: Well, there is a twenty percent restocking fee-- plus, I would have

  to kill you in the most horrible way possible!

  Faustus: I changed my mind!

  Fast forward 20 years--

  Faustus: Boy, those twenty years went by fast!

  Satan: No kidding.....  so now you only have one day left, is there one last

  thing you'd like to do?

  Faustus: Yes, I'd like to have Roseanne Barr sing the National Anthem right

  here, right now.

  Satan: Are you sure? I wouldn't inflict that on Mother Theresa! 

  Faustus: Yes, I insist!

  Satan: Very well.

  Enter Roseanne--

  Roseanne: OH, SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

  Satan: AHHHHRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!  Make her stop!!

  Faustus: Is this the voice that shattered a thousand eardrums?, and made 

  all the people in the stadium kill themselves?  Come, fair Roseanne, and 

  make me immortal with a shriek!

  Satan: ENOUGH!  (kills Roseanne)

  Faustus: Hey! She wasn't done yet!

  Satan: I live in Hell, but there's only so much suffering I can take!

  Faustus: Man, what a Gyp!!

  Satan: Besides, your day is over-- time for hell!

  Faustus: Awwww! I don't wanna! Please, just a little more? Mom said I could!

  Satan: Now, now-- what did we agree? Time to go to hell young man!

  Faustus: Awwww, man!  You never let me stay out of hell late!

  Satan: No more talk-- time for Hell......

  Faustus: Geeeeeezzzzz!

  Mouth to Hell opens---

  Ryan Seacrest:  Hello, and welcome to Hell!  We're in our ten millionth 

  hour of auditions, with an infinite number of hours to go....  Up next is 

  Sanjaya with his cover of "I did it my way".

  Faustus:  AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Noooooooooooooooo!!

  Satan: I may be the father of all lies, but I WAS telling the truth!

  Roseanne: And now that I'm here, I can join in!  

  Satan: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!