The Hand Guy

Jack Carp was the most celebrated hand model in the entertainment industry. A chance encounter during his failed death by burger attempt lead to a new opportunity bigger than he'd ever imagined.

Jack Carp was the most celebrated hand model in the entertainment industry. His hands could perform the most intricate of movements, contorting themselves to fit perfectly around the most awkward of items allowing for their perfect presentation. Jack Carp’s hands were beautiful. Jack Carp, on the other hand, looked more like Howdy Doody than a big screen motion picture movie star, which was his true dream. After more rejections than he preferred to recall, he found a niche where he was seen as beautiful �" well, at least a part of him - and he was in high demand: the magical world of hand modeling.

When Jack first came to Hollywood in the eighties fresh from major stardom on the local high school stage in Omaha, Nebraska, he had aspirations to be the next great character actor. He knew he wasn’t going to be a Tom Cruise; he was fully aware that his face was not his greatest asset. Sadly for Jack, no one could look past the unmarketability of the boy from the Midwest with his bright red hair that curled in random fashion upon his head (and all over for that matter). His skin was white as school paste and so speckled with freckles it made identification of where his lips began a difficult task. His ears, contrary to what one might expect, were not large but rather very small; the massive hair would have detracted from that anyways. His eyes were a beautiful shade of blue, but he grew tired of hearing those words: “If only the rest of you were as beautiful as your eyes.”

It was not until one day at an audition for an action packed science fiction adventure movie that someone noticed something truly amazing about Jack Carp: his hands. His fingers were long. His nails were perfectly manicured, although he did nothing special but trim them on occasion. Their texture was milky and smooth and no scars were visible. They were most definitely masculine hands, but one did have to wonder how a man could have such beautiful hands unless, of course, you know, he was gay. Rest assured, Jack Carp was anything but. He just always enjoyed the stage more than the field. Perhaps it was his affinity for women that led him to the stage. Many might think it was a brilliant strategic move to garner the affections of the women who acted with him. Mostly he found himself pining for them as they too could not look much beyond the red hair and freckles.  

As Jack auditioned for the role of alien hunter, the producers could not take their eyes off the way he moved his hands around the automatic alien shooting weapon he toted around. They had never seen someone who moved as if they were one with the weapon. So impressed by his ability to handle the gun, they offered him a role: Jack Carp would be the lead hand model on the set. And so it began for Jack Carp. He would be the go-to guy for all the major hand model roles in Hollywood. His hands were even insured for a million dollars. Along the way he would land some B-movie roles, which he played with flair as if he were still in contention for that Oscar he so dreamed about back in Omaha, Nebraska.

Jack spent the next twenty years in the company of many well known faces in Hollywood. They affectionately referred to him as “the hand guy.” A buddy from Saturday Night Live even did a skit about Jack’s valuable, perfectly presentable hands. Even Jack couldn’t help but laugh at the impression his vocation had and the pure ludicrousness that he was paid good money to simply show his hands.

While Jack made many friends in Hollywood, the women in his life came and went faster than the rejections for parts he still had the occasional audacity to audition for. His one true love, Matilda Stites, was also a hand model. Slightly overweight with bland brown hair and unemotional eyes, he loved her for not being all that Hollywood glam. Matilda, however, liked the glamorous world of Hollywood and wanted to be a part of it. She shed thirty pounds, added blond highlights, had a few cosmetic alterations done, and promptly dumped Jack for a “real” model from JC Penny. Such was Jack’s fate in life and love.

But as with many things we do not foresee, destiny has a strange way of presenting itself at the least expected moments. Jack’s moment came at the hands of one of the nation’s biggest fast food companies: Burger Barn. Burger Barn was about to change Jack’s life in ways he had never imagined.

Frustrated and bitter from the break-up with Matilda, Jack did what any emotional person, be it male or female, would do: he drowned himself in food. Burger Barn was the closest thing to emotional suicide he could imagine. The smallest burger was a half pounder and puniest fry was as big as his pinky finger. The shakes were so thick they didn’t move when held upside. It was a heart attack in its purest package.

While Jack was drowning his sorrows he noticed a strange man staring at him. The man looked vaguely familiar. He went back about his business attempting to forget the misery Matilda had caused. The man approached and sat down across from him. In a southern drawl so thick Jack had to fully concentrate on understanding the words he said, “You are exactly what Burger Barn is looking for.” And so it began: Jack’s face would soon bring him fame and recognition as the new face of Burger Barn restaurants, the nation’s tenth biggest fast food chain.

Jack’s appointment to the position of company spokesman was driven by a need identified in focus groups held throughout Burger Barn markets. “Seems they think I don’t relate to them,” Jim Johnson said while fumbling with his cowboy hat. Except for the mighty drawl from his mouth, Jim Johnson did look more like he belonged on the French Riviera than sitting in a fast food restaurant. “They want an average Joe,” he said to Jack without thinking twice about offending Jack. “And, besides, those hands look amazing holding my food. I think I seen ‘em before.”

“Burger Barn Ben” quickly gained steam and momentum. Burger Barn sales skyrocketed. Brand image and recognition hit record highs.  Jack could barely walk down the street unnoticed even in Hollywood. They shouted out “Ben” and gave him high fives as he walked by. Every so often he even felt himself jiving down the street like John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever." He looked himself in the mirror every morning and said, “I am the coolest cat in Hollywood.”  Matilda even came crawling back begging for his forgiveness. He had moved on he told her.

Jack rode the Burger Barn Ben wave for a solid year, but as fate would have it, his ride would be short. Jim Johnson’s secretary left him a brief message on his voicemail: “Focus groups losing interest. Moving on. Thanks for the good work. Good luck.”

The last time Jack was heartbroken he found solace in the grease of Burger Barn. Today he would need something a bit stiffer. A run down dive bar in Santa Monica would prove the closest thing to emotional suicide he could find. The place was empty save the bartender arguing with someone on the phone.

He quickly downed a scotch on the rocks before he realized he couldn’t stand the taste of that poison. He ordered another anyway and let it sit while he watched breaking news of Burger Barn's “strategic shift”. He never noticed the bohemian blond woman sit down next to him. She helped herself to a sip of his drink, which got his attention. “The water dilutes the taste. You can’t let it sit,” she said matter of fact and then introduced herself as Sage. “You look familiar,” she said. Great, he thought, there was no escaping Ben.

It wasn’t the face she recognized. She was a self-professed hippy. She hated television. She didn’t eat meat. She was as from the earth as humanly possible these days let alone somewhere in Southern California. “I know those hands from the Reading Counts campaign. Those hands motivated millions to read for charity. They were so eloquent with the books.”

And so it was. Jack Carp was popular and famous for a fleeting moment because of his face.  He realized, however, that his true calling had always been to share the magic of products through the use of his hands. The fame of Ben quickly faded, but love with Sage blossomed, and the demand for Jack Carp’s perfectly contrived hands was greater than ever. And while Jack never got his Oscar, he was asked to model for the awards show, which was a small consolation after all.