It's a Compliment

Are "positive" stereotypes really compliments? From the perspective of an Asian student, "positive" stereotypes can do just as much harm as an insult.

One

The first time I was ever questioned about race was when I received my first middle school progress report. A 3.8 GPA was not an ideal score, but not a defective score either; I was satisfied with my GPA, hence agreeing to share my report card with other students during lunch. 

“Only 3.8? I never knew an Asian kid without a perfect GPA,” was the initial response upon my report card, but reassured, “Don’t worry, it’s a compliment. Asian kids like you are the smart ones.”

I quickly smiled it off and never considered it until 8th grade, when I was the only regular math student out of a group. All of the 8th grade I have been getting a 4.0 GPA, but one of my classmates jokes, “Asians usually are in Accelerated Math! You should’ve been in it; I’m pretty sure you’re better at math than all of us.”

I always appreciated other students who overestimated me, as they thought I really was more skilled at math. However, it was my worst class, the class that was restricted by 4.0 in 7th grade, exhausting hours watching videos on how to solve a problem, and having thoughts in bed knowing that I won’t have that 100 written on my test. 

Although math was my weakest class, English Language Arts not only became my best class but also my favorite. I’ve written essays, stories, and poems during my free time and done so in assignments, enjoying the process. I write for assignments, but most of them were short stories, written between classes, lunches, and even before school began. It was something my English teacher noticed, awarding me a distinguished scholar of English Language Arts as I had a large passion for it. As classmates connected my race to my knowledge, I had a strong reputation when it comes to “the smart kid”. Yet, I had an uneasiness but never questioned it during middle school and freshman year. 

Two

My mother always told me to make friends with smart students, as they can influence me to become better academically. I never had a tutor growing up, unlike most Asian-American students. While my mother valued education, being a teacher, she believed that hard work is essential to succeed without the privilege of having tutors and hours to study. Not only was this idea valued and reasonable, but the only. Living in a single-parent household with no custody or child support of the father, living frugal was a norm. We were not dirt poor or filthy rich, but it was hard to manage. There was a year where my mother did not have a car and for months relied on friends and family to transport us. There were years where my mother continuously was in debt of family members, just to keep a roof over our heads with filled stomachs. Such luxuries were never a possibility, so being surrounded by smarter influences was the best and only option.

And so I did, befriending students that were in my honors and pre-AP classes. Making acquaintances with many, forming study groups, and hanging out with them every day during lunch, I felt a part of something for a year or so until my sophomore year in high school. Of course, my friends were always kind to me, tutoring me and always offering to critique or to hang out to do certain activities during lunch. 

However, there were numerous new students I have acquainted with, and at some time asked me whether I was Asian or not. I’ve always laughed in response, as I am too mixed to be one thing. Joking by asking how’d they know, I remember one particular person jokes, “You’re pretty nerdy and your only hobby in school. The most Asian thing I’ve ever seen.”

There it was again, the feeling I have not fully understood myself. I hesitated before saying anything, watching that student’s calm face quickly shifted. “Sorry! I didn’t mean that way. You are smart, but definitely not the only thing you’re known for!” He panicked, but I quickly reassured him. For a couple of days, it was all I had in mind. Was school the only thing about me? I am not even that smart, to begin with. 

I begin to doubt myself, and if the school was the only thing I was ever good at, why am I not that smart?

“I should be in the top ten if the school was really my greatest, and even then I wouldn’t accomplish much,” I often told myself every day during school. “I’m Asian for gosh sakes, and one of the very few at school! What kind of Asian am I if I am not even that smart?”

I had pre-AP classes but always compared myself to my own friends, who would have a higher math class than me or who had an easier time understanding and doing assignments. I continued to join my classmates and often secretly compared myself with them, constantly watching how they solved their math problems or how often their essays were presented as an example by the teacher. It took the worst form of jealousy, which always frustrated me to the point I have cried myself every time I struggled to finish an assignment.

I cried a lot during my sophomore year. I was always stressed out, and no matter how hard I tried I still felt stupid. Around family, I never mention anything about school, as I have cousins who do better than me. Even my younger sister was better than me, who received more honor classes than I have done in middle school and winning the science fair. Yet, I can only wonder why that conversation made me think about such things.

Later that week my classmate apologized to me again, stating, “I’m sorry about what happened, but take it as a compliment. You’re Asian, so you’re smart.” 

But I wasn’t smart, only a harder worker. If I was smart, I would have had all honors and AP classes. If I was smart, I wouldn’t worry about time management as I would understand things as quickly as most students. If I was smart, I would never compare myself to other students. If I was smart, I wouldn’t be thinking about this.

What if I wasn’t Asian? Would I be considered stupid if I take hours trying to figure out how to do math and chemistry? If I wasn’t Asian, would I be proud of myself?

Three

As a junior, I’ve been becoming better academically. As of September 2020, I am ranked 9 out of 420 juniors! I worked hard for it, joining two AP classes, along with 3 extra Dual Enrollment classes. Although I had nine classes and officer roles in clubs, I managed to keep my grade up. I continue my passion for writing, yet keeping secretive as I was tired of having assumptions that the roots of my hobbies were because I’m Asian. Yet, I have lost confidence in anything that had to do with education, even hesitating for months whether to write this or not. 

I’ve struggled from self-doubting throughout high school, all because I wanted to be something I wasn’t. I still don’t think I deserve where I am today, but slowly gaining confidence in myself, and my self-worth. I’m writing more often, more about the problems I face, as I wanted people to know I am not the only one who doesn’t feel worthy as an Asian. It took me months debating whether to write, but after August I finally pushed myself to write more.

Am I currently proud of myself? No, but slowly and surely, I am recovering my confidence back. I’ve stopped comparing myself with others, and begin to question students who use “positive stereotypes” to any race. I often receive, “It’s a compliment.”

Yet, whenever I hear that I can only mutter, “It’s insecurity.”

Author's Note

As a new writer, I want to improve. Only being a high schooler, I can use some critique or comments introducing parts where it was strong or the sentences/transitions/etc were weak.

Also, please let me know how this idea makes you feel, as I am curious if any other person (Asian and non-Asian) have faced a similar event where positive stereotypes did more harm to you.

Reviews

[Pranitha Gayatri]

I loved your work. I'm Asian too so I get you and I can literally picture everything you wrote.