Alice's Fall

The vodka had caught up to Alice by the time she had decided to lift her heavy eyelids.   Her head was pounding and she could feel the memories of last night starting to twist and turn in her stomach. Alice ran in desperation to save her white bedsheets from her decisions the night before as they came back to haunt her. The flashbacks of last night came rushing back, almost as fast as her alcohol poisoning. 

She could recall the amount she drank to forget the pain of her embarrassment after the incident. It was the first time she had seen him since their breakup two weeks ago. With alcohol clouding her judgement, his laughter filling the room was enough to set her off. She turned around and starting walking over just in time to witness her ex boyfriend buying a shot for the girl in the tight shirt at the bar. 

“You’re unbelievable. Like you didn’t know I would be here, I was the one that brought you to this bar.” Alice took the shot like it was meant for her and drank it like it was water. “You don’t get to walk around here and act like everything is normal. This is my territory, for gods sake, my apartment is 3 blocks from here.” The vodka was catching up with her and she needed to catch her breath. “You don’t get to act like nothing ever happened, who the f**k do you think you are.” Alice bit her lip to stop it from quivering. “You don’t get to hurt people the way you hurt me. You’re a f*****g monster.” Alice immediately regretted her words, praying it was all a horrible nightmare.  

“God, how did I let that happen yesterday?” breaking from her reverie, she asked herself. She had finally stopped throwing up and stayed sitting in front of the toilet crying, empty both emotionally and physically. She was ashamed and didn’t want to accept reality. Her phone kept ringing, and she knew exactly who it was without even having to look. Callie saw everything that had happened the night before , and being her best friend, Alice knew she wouldn’t give up calling until she answered. 

“Hello?” Alice said. Callie could immediately tell what state her best friend was in with that one simple, shaky, word. 

“Alice, open your goddamn door. I know you’re in there, I can hear you rolling around on your floor and I brought you greasy food and ice cream. You know they’re the best cure for that hangover you’ve got.” Alice groggily hung up the phone, got up, and unlocked her front door. 

“Why are you here, Callie? I told you not to come over yesterday, I'm fine, I swear.” Callie was fed up with Alice’s hangover induced attitude and bullshit. 

“Shut the f**k up. Just stop, you can’t lie to my face you f****r, I'm your best friend. I saw everything that happened yesterday and I know you’re not fine because I'm not fine.” Alice grabbed the ice cream out of Callie’s hand and plopped down on the couch shoving a huge spoonful of it into her mouth. 

“I'm just so tired of this, being in this state. I don’t even know what to call it, but I just need to feel again and I don’t know how.” Callie walked over to the couch and grabbed a spoonful for herself. 

“Whatever you need, babe, you know I'm right here. I’ll go to hell and back for you, girl.” She tackled Alice and hugged her as she scarfed down half the tub of ice cream in no time at all.

“We’re going to Johnny’s tonight, so we’re going to finish this ice cream and get ready, okay?” Alice needed a distraction from everything going on, and Callie knew the best way was to keep her busy. 

“Fine, but I'm not wearing makeup, and I refuse to go out unless I'm in my pjs.” Callie laughed and agreed to her terms. 

She put the joint to her lips and took a breath in as if she was smoking a cigarette, forgetting for a moment how harsh it was. Alice immediately coughed, not liking how it felt in her lungs. It made her feel like her throat was made of sandpaper, nothing she did could make the feeling go away.  Someone tapped her shoulder, handed her a cup of water and started laugh, “Is this your first time blazing?” Thanks to the water, Alice could finally breathe again.

“Thanks, no actually, I just haven’t smoked since high school so I'm just readapting.” The joint was handed back to Alice and she took another puff, this one bigger than the last, she was starting to get the hang of it again. “Hey, my name’s Alice, I'm a friend of Johnny’s”

“Tanya, I'm the dealer. How do you like the stuff you’re smoking? It’s called the Red Rabbit, you’ll get really mellow and then in an hour or so you’ll crash.” Alice didn’t comprehend what was being said to her, all she could think about was the first time she’d ever smoked, it was the first time she had met him. Peter, why did everything have to revolve around him? They met at the grade 11 end-of-year pool party at Chloe Miller’s house. Alice had never laughed as hard as she did that day with him. They took a walk around Chloe’s neighbourhood blasting music and talking for hours. How she wished she could go back to the beginning, back to that day to start all over again. Maybe she could do things differently now that she knew when and how everything would go to s**t. It was all she could do to stop from tearing up. Tanya didn’t understand what was happening, she stood there awkwardly watching as Alice pulled herself back together. 

“You okay?,” Alice sniffled a few more times and finally snapped back. She started to chuckle.

“I'm actually really hungry,” she said. Tanya couldn’t contain her laughter. 

“We can definitely help with that,” Tanya took Alice to the kitchen and tried to find something that would satisfy the munchies they both had. They managed to pull together a tiny, sugar-filled feast that consisted of pancakes, pop tarts, oreos, and chocolate ice cream. After putting it all together, they plopped themselves down in front of the TV and put on some Scooby-Doo.  They ate and watched episode on episode while Callie, James and Chris slowly assembled in front of the TV too. As the night grew old, one by one they started to shut their eyes. 

The next day Alice woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon, James and Johnny had woken up early and started making breakfast for everyone. Outside Tanya had already rolled a joint and was in the process of smoking it. Alice walked outside to join her, “Morning!” Tanya passed the joint to Alice, letting the smoke in her lungs seep out her nostrils. 

“Good morning to you too,” Tanya had a huge smile on her face, “so what’d you think of the stuff we smoked yesterday?” Still not used to the feeling, Alice coughed on her first inhale. 

“It was really good, that was the first time I’ve laughed and enjoyed myself in like 3 weeks.” Tanya could see the sadness in her eyes. She searched through her bag and pulled out a ziplock full of weed and handed it to Alice. 

“Here, take this. You’ll need it believe me, it’s the best stuff you can get in town.” A smirk was painted across Tanya’s face, “But I can definitely get you some other stuff that will make you feel a lot better than weed can.” Alice’s eyes lit up.  It was just the thrill she was looking for, the jolt of emotion she’d been missing since the heartbreak. 

“I'm down, whenever. Just give me a call!” Tanya handed Alice her phone to get her number. 

Alice got to her apartment and smoked as soon as she got in. She hated being at home, being alone. She smoked until she couldn’t feel anything but happiness, and spent the rest of the day in bed watching TV. She held the same routine for a week, wake up, smoke and watch TV all day. She ignored all her calls and visits from Callie in fear of being judged for what she planned on doing.

It was a Saturday morning when she finally decided to break her routine and shower. She got out of the shower and decided it was time to join society again. She picked up her phone to see a missed call and a voicemail from Tanya. 

“Hey Alice! You’re probably still sleeping, but give me a call when you wake up. I’ve got some exciting plans tonight I definitely think you’ll want in on. Call me back, bye!” Alice gave Tanya a call back and they made plans to hangout that night at James’ house.       

Sitting on James’ bed with Tanya, Alice waited patiently as James brought in what looked like a small colourful piece of paper that ripped apart into squares, wrapped in tinfoil. Her adrenaline was pumping not knowing what to expect besides a rush of emotions she had been lacking for the past month. “What’s it like? What should I expect?,” no one would answer her questions. Instead they motioned for her to open her mouth and lift her tongue. she could feel her excitement as it dissolved and her curiosity only worsened. The wait was the worse part. Thirty minutes had passed and she started to feel like she couldn’t comprehend her own feelings. Alice couldn’t help but to burst out in uncontrollable laughter. Her laughter caused a chain reaction in the room that started with James. 

“Alice! You good over there?” James said after he finally caught his breath.

“I'm good I think, I feel intoxicated with this sensation i’ve never felt before, know what I mean?.” It had been an hour at this point and it was finally hitting her in full effect. Alice not longer felt clueless, instead it hit her all at once. She could feel every inch of her body being hit with the light breeze from the fan that was spinning back and forth.. The uncontrollable laughter was starting to scare her now, the mixture of energy and anxiety hit at the same time leaving her with a feeling of angst and malaise. She sat down trying to stay focused on the carpet beneath her and taking long deep breaths in hopes of slowing her heart beat. In the corner of her eye Alice thought she could see something moving. She started to freak out, and wanted to scream but no words would come out. She slowly moved her spinning head up from the carpet to the wall watching as the patterns followed her eye line and colours starting flying from every direction. Blue, purple, red, it was like colours were flying at her trying to make a rainbow but colliding together in front of her eyes. Alice couldn’t believe her eyes, there was no way that what she was seeing was real. They starting flying everywhere and this time, not just colours. Dates, numbers, patterns, sounds, there were no limits to what she felt her mind was capable of conjuring up. 

Her head started to spin as she felt as though the weight of it would cause it to break off her neck. Round in a circle, it spun till she stopped to focus on the patterns on the tapestry hanging off one of the walls. It covered the wall behind his bed, and it was centred with a white dot. Circles surrounded it varying from maroon to white to purple, different shapes flowing out of it as though they were flower petals that had been plucked and placed around the circles. Triangles and waves flew through the lines as though they were dancing and bouncing from side to side. With a layer of black slowing seeping into the cracks, looking as though it was being invaded and being taken over by a darkness. Bigger triangles, shaped like daggers, shooting out from the black, in what looked like a last attempt for survival. The red helping pull the darkness and filling the void of what was left between the black triangles and the huge black boarder about the whole tapestry. It looked so familiar to her which confused her as she ran through her memories in hopes to find where she had seen it before. She closed her eyes and flashed back to a date, one single perfect autumn day in mid september. It was as if she could feel the breeze of that autumn day that minute. Not only imagining the day, but feeling as though she had been taken back in time and was standing on that very street. That was the day Peter had first told her he loved her, it was as clear as crystal in her mind. Alice fully emerged herself into the memory as if she were reliving every second of it. 

“What if I told you I loved you? Would you run away and hide from me? Or would you let me hold your hand against mine, which was made with the grooves and lines to perfectly match yours.” Alice’s face turned as red as a tomato, her stomach started to turn and flutter as though it had been completely filled with butterflies. 

“What are you going off about Peter? We’ve only been dating like 3 months! And that seems like a line you got from a movie.” Alice was too embarrassed to look him in the eye, knowing just as well that she was completely infatuated with him. She ran into the next store in hopes of stopping the conversation for long enough to collect her thoughts. Alice walked into what looked like a bohemian styled boutique with tapestries and hand made jewellery hanging on all four wall. She ran around the store hiding and running away from Peter, feeling as if she was a little kid playing hide and seek. He finally caught her when she took a wrong turn and lunged right into his arm , smiling bigger than ever, she felt her cheeks starting to get rosy and sore. 

“Alice, I’ve loved you from the very moment I was able to call you mine. I love you, and please don’t hide from me because of this. I know it’s fast, but man,” Peter stopped and stared at Alice as if she put the stars in the sky, “I don’t even think I knew what happiness was until I met you.” She froze in her tracks, memorizing every little detail in sight, she never wanted to forget that moment. The way the sun shined through the glass windows up top the door, the sound the chimes spinning in the wind, the way the colours in the store should have completely clashed, but went together some how. And the one tapestry hanging over the cash desk, it was almost identical to the one hanging over James’ bed. Alice finally came back to reality and opened her eyes again to see James and Tanya fading in and out of awareness, doing the exact same thing herself. Looking around, it was as if her vision was impaired, like she was in a fishbowl looking out. She felt trapped. 

Tanya and James had both done this before and were prepared for where their mind was going to run off to. Both accidentally, in synchronized movements, grabbed their sketch books and started to draw. It was as if they were both attacking their papers, jagged, sharp lines and movements coming from every side of the page. Alice grabbed her own piece of paper and all the pencil crayons she could find on James’ desk. She started to draw all the colours and lines she could see being thrown at her. Within seconds, her mind was racing again. It went back to all the memories she had of her drawing while she lay on his lap and he ran his hand through her hair. The days he would nuzzle his head into the nape of her neck and kiss her till he got to her ear and whisper “I love you” oh so quietly, just enough to send shivers down Alice’s spine. Those were the days they’d tell their children about, the days where just the presence of each other and the closeness radiated their love. When all her drawings were about love, filled with colour and beauty. Or so she thought, now her sketchbooks were filled with black and white, dark lines smudged from the tears that had fallen down the pages. She looked down at her drawing and saw as all the colours and happens ran off the page and started flying around the room.

Patterns were spinning around her like a tornado and then in a blink of an eye it all went black. In the faint distance she could see a colour coming towards her, one single colour. Navy blue, the colour of the night sky, his favourite colour. It felt calming, yet angering as she thought of him, the memories he carved his way into, the years of lies and empty promises he crafted and spewed out left and right. It all fell back to navy blue. The way his eyes would sparkle that navy blue when the moon reflected on them just right. The deep navy blue of his favourite jeans, they always stained her sleeves. She was drowning, drowning in navy blue. What a lovely way to die. To be emerged completely in it, in him. Would that not be the most romantic form of self-destruction? Alice’s eyes rolled back into her head as if she were about to seize. Tanya began to freak out and scream.

“Alice, ALICE? Come back, breathe, you’re still here with us, ALICE..” Her voice was just an echo, everything went black again. The beating of hearts around her got louder and louder. She gathered all her strength and will power and slowly let light seep into her eyes, but it wasn’t enough. She tried again but failed, and stayed content with darkness. James and Tanya started to run around, having taken a dose themselves. Neither knowing what to do, James checked for a pulse and pupil dilation, both were strong and responsive. They called Callie and Johnny, not knowing what the next step was. Johnny and Callie rushed over as fast as they could, fearing for Alice’s life.

“Alice, talk to me please, wake up.” Callie’s eyes filled with tears, her heart beating faster than ever. “Please Alice, please. I can’t lose you, just respond to me, say ANYTHING!” Johnny brought a wet towel and some water for Alice to drink. He placed the wet towel on her forehead and her eyes slowly started to open. Johnny carried Alice to the couch and forced her to drink the glass of water in its entirety. 

“Alice, what the hell were you thinking? How could you be this reckless, seriously?” Alice was still tripping and cared little for what they had to say. 

“I'm fine, I swear. Stop worrying about me.  This is the first time i’ve been happy and in touch with my emotions in a month so LEAVE ME ALONE.” Alice couldn’t stop the words from coming out of her mouth, no matter how much she wanted to. Her eyes were still spinning, the patterns had come back and covered the room with the prettiest of colours. Alice wanted to feel again, she was addicted to the rush. The adrenaline, the fear she felt, was at least a tangible feeling that she just couldn’t get enough of. 

“Can you please take me home Callie?” Alice didn’t realize the amount of aggression she had shown to half the people in the room.

“Seriously Alice? There are no words for you.” Callie was infuriated but cared more for her best friends safety, “Whatever, lets get you home.”

The morning after was the hardest part. Alice missed the rush the drug had given her the night before. It was all she wanted, to get that feeling back and feel it all the time. Alice grabbed her stash and realized she only had enough to last her the morning. “F**k, what am I going to do now?” Tanya was dry and couldn’t get anything for another week or so. Alice allowed herself to be satisfied for the time being, content with the high available to her, satiating her immediate needs. She found herself in a state of euphoria. All she wanted to do was melt back into her bed and watch Adventure Time all day long. She finally got comfortably back into bed when the house phone started ringing. Callie was calling to make sure she was okay after the incident the night before. She picked up the phone and let Callie talk.

“Hello? Alice, I can hear you breathing. How stupid are you? Acid Alice? Really? Why. What is wrong with you.” Alice was too stoned to care what she had to say. 

“What do you want from me Callie? He broke me, He destroyed me and I don’t even have all the pieces to put myself back together. What else do you want me to do? I'm trying to find ANYTHING that will keep me together right now. So what if that’s the thrill of trying new things and being euphorically stoned.” Callie was in disbelief of what she was hearing. 

“Seriously, Alz he didn’t even treat you that well. He was an a*****e that didn’t deserve you, can’t you see that?” Callie started to feel bad, as she heard Alice began to choke up on the other end of the line. “Alice, let me just ask you one question okay? Please just answer this one question for me.”

“What Callie?” Alice would do anything to end the uncomfortable phone call and get back to her show.

“Would you go back?” Alice’s eyes glazed over like ice, almost as if you could see right into her soul. The idea of “would you”… it was too much to bare. It was too hard and she couldn’t decide. The question echoed in her head. “Would you go back?” Her heart started to race as questions flooded her mind . Why did the question affect her so? Did she still love him? No. Would it work this time? Could she make it work? No. 

“Well, would you?” Callie asked again. There was a pause. Feeling as if no breath could fill her lungs, she tried one more time. Alice couldn’t stop herself from blurting out. “Yes.” 

“Alice..” Callie had nothing to say in response. There were no words to describe her pain and disappointment. “He’s already dating someone else, please move on. This isn’t healthy.”  She said. Alice stopped breathing.  She felt as if someone had grabbed her heart and ripped it right out of her chest. 

“Callie I have to go.”

“Alice wait no, don’t go. Please I'm coming over right no-.” Alice hung up the phone before she could finish her sentence. She needed something to make her feel numb, to stop the pain in her heart. She searched through her cabinet to search for any pills she might have left from prior years. Alice picked up a bottle of Benzodiazepines she had from when she was having night terrors and swallowed 4. Nothing, Alice still felt the pain in her heart. She just wanted it to stop, she wanted everything to stop. She took 6 more in hopes of feeling numb, but still, nothing. Alice took the last two pills in the bottle and lay down on the bathroom floor sobbing. As the minutes passed she slowly started to feel numb, cold, exactly what she’d hoped for. She closed her eyes and saw it again. The colour, navy blue and then nothing. Alice took her last breathe, realizing what was happening to her body. She started to smile as the last tear fell down her cheek and hit the bathroom floor. Then she was nothing.