walking in your shoes ;)

ahhh how shall i start.... i now know what it feels like to be you my dear...  to be getting along decently and then to have your world come crashing down..... i cant  deal with this ... i cant go on this way ..... im sorry for everything i did i honestly am ... im sorry i tried to move on .. .cuz im failing miserably by the way shes not you ... shes never gonna be you ... i know she loves me but not the way you do and im trying but i cant love her like i love you ... i want to try happiness with her ... but i cant do it ...... we went from okay to terrible ... at least you talked to me .. now you wont say a word... im losing it .. i cried in the middle of the hallway in front of everyone ... i wanted to find u i hoped ud hold me ..... let me cry in your arms ... but you weren't there.... i dont know what im trying to get at with this horribly unorganized thing ... i suppose its me writing to you ... hoping ull see it eventually ... i dont know when ... but i want you to know ..... its hell ..... im trying to move on ... trying to do my best to get away ... to let you be ... because i want you to be  happy ... im just so damn selfish ..... i need u in my life... i dont even know what it is to be sober .... im trying so hard to forget you while i drain these bottles dry empty bottles fill my room,  little white burnt pieces of paper all over my bathroom sink ... trying to burn the memories away... i dont even know who i am ... nothing is the same without you ... and everytime i try to forget... you just pop up :) ... sitting in class there you are .... my heart exploded when you walked in ... i nearly died i couldnt breathe... and i got so sick ... its horrible how much i miss you ... and when i see u together i cant take it ... first its depression , then rage i lose control and i hurt people who care about me .... i made her cry today .... i dont think its gonna work out ... i wanna try ... but i dont know if i can.... its just i cant move on ..... ur always gonna be the girl i love ... and i understand what i did to u now how bad it hurt.... it sucks and im truely sorry ..... i see what i did .. the pain and the self destruction i cause because im going down the same path, drinking, smoking, and sometimes i just wanna die ..... i dont know what im trying to get at or why im even putting this here its all poinless but i just thought id let it out .....

Author's Note

so by now u all understand that i dont reallly come here to post about poetry and deep intimate thoughts of amazingness ... but come here to say things i cant say elsewhere to let my feelings out ..... all of these are the deranged ramblings of a mad man :) nothing more i hope its at least midly entertaining ...