Destroyer

A Poem by laRagazza

I am lying on my back

staring at the stars

watching as they suck

the light from the universe,

pulsing,

like leaches,

and I wonder why I do not feel happy

when I write about happy things.

I realize that I am like a star

because I am a leach, but instead of glowing

I write.

© 2014 laRagazza

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Featured Review

Emma Olsen

First off: a 'leech' is an animal which attaches to skin and sucks blood. To 'leach' is to drain away minerals and resources (usually from the earth.) =P I suppose you could either 'leach' or be a 'leech' in your second-to-last line, revise as you think works best. I could see either way working.

I really like the concept of this poem. You definitely have a mood going here, but I think that you could perhaps expand this more. I know the metaphor of the stars vs. the writing is your main point, but I wanted more of a setting out of this, some idea of the night sky that the narrator is seeing because I feel that that, to some extent, is important. The night sky over the country is different over a city, and I get the sense that you mean for this to be somewhere black, with very little light pollution.
I suppose, also, in that line of thought, when you're talking about stars I immediately go celestial, so I would suggest substituting 'the world' or something for 'the universe,' as the universe is mostly something that doesn't really have light, anyways? I like the image, but I think I'm having a hard time following the speaker's connection that the stars must be sucking away light rather than giving it off. Does that make sense? It definitely establishes mood, but I think there needs to be a more logical connection - maybe an observation about how the stars are densely compacted, having taken away particles from space or something, or perhaps that they always appear when the sun's disappeared, as if trying to steal whatever light remains. Sorry, I know you mean it as a metaphor, but I think that light is so commonly associated with giving off rather than taking in that there needs to be a bit more of a logical connection through the ideas. You jump to leeches a bit suddenly after pulsing, too. I was desperately trying to remember if I've ever seen leeches pulse (especially when sucking blood) and so looked up videos. Some of their movements when traveling kind of look like pulsing, but when they suck blood it doesn't look like they really pulse? You might have more knowledge on me about it, but just saying. Sucking was a verb I linked to leeches, but not really pulsing (and pulsing in and of itself, in relation to stars, kind of suggests that 'giving off light' concept rather than taking it in - glowing does that, too, by the way.) I think you may want to consider your word choice because right now it seems very clear you have a personal idea of what's going on and I see what you're trying to say, but you're not quite bringing me into the narrator's vision of the world yet.
Perhaps consider using black holes and leeches . . . ? I dunno, they seem to connect a bit more for me.

In regards to word choice, too, I think you could perhaps choose better verbs in here, not just to support your ideas, but to also make the images stick a bit more. 'Suck' is perhaps strongest in here because it has a very clear connotation, but I'd suggest going through synonyms or trying to make intent clearer behind some of your actions. For instance, 'staring.' Staring tells me very little about the narrator's emotional state and it's a bit too neutral to really hold up on its own. Perhaps a better synonym might be glare? Or gape? Both hint at an underlying emotion that stare, by itself, does not convey. You could also add in an adverb or adjective to try to clarify, but I'd urge you to try to let verbs work on their own as much as possible. Similarly, 'feel' tells me nothing and doesn't really help build into your overall theme, either. Maybe radiate or emanate could be a better contrasting verb to bolster the thought?

At any rate, I do like the idea behind this. It's fresh and definitely not bogged down by cliche in any way. I'm getting a new, unique view here, and considering how many works I've read that just re-hash old ideas, I hope you understand that that's a very good thing and I hope you keep striving to communicate ideas in new ways. Just make sure that your construction of the poem helps support your claims and bring the reader in so that they can logically grasp your connections. Good work and good luck revising. Let me know if you want me to check out a revision or anything.

Posted 9 Years Ago

I really like the concept of this poem. You definitely have a mood going here, but I think that you could perhaps expand this more. I know the metaphor of the stars vs. the writing is your main point, but I wanted more of a setting out of this, some idea of the night sky that the narrator is seeing because I feel that that, to some extent, is important. The night sky over the country is different over a city, and I get the sense that you mean for this to be somewhere black, with very little light pollution.
I suppose, also, in that line of thought, when you're talking about stars I immediately go celestial, so I would suggest substituting 'the world' or something for 'the universe,' as the universe is mostly something that doesn't really have light, anyways? I like the image, but I think I'm having a hard time following the speaker's connection that the stars must be sucking away light rather than giving it off. Does that make sense? It definitely establishes mood, but I think there needs to be a more logical connection - maybe an observation about how the stars are densely compacted, having taken away particles from space or something, or perhaps that they always appear when the sun's disappeared, as if trying to steal whatever light remains. Sorry, I know you mean it as a metaphor, but I think that light is so commonly associated with giving off rather than taking in that there needs to be a bit more of a logical connection through the ideas. You jump to leeches a bit suddenly after pulsing, too. I was desperately trying to remember if I've ever seen leeches pulse (especially when sucking blood) and so looked up videos. Some of their movements when traveling kind of look like pulsing, but when they suck blood it doesn't look like they really pulse? You might have more knowledge on me about it, but just saying. Sucking was a verb I linked to leeches, but not really pulsing (and pulsing in and of itself, in relation to stars, kind of suggests that 'giving off light' concept rather than taking it in - glowing does that, too, by the way.) I think you may want to consider your word choice because right now it seems very clear you have a personal idea of what's going on and I see what you're trying to say, but you're not quite bringing me into the narrator's vision of the world yet.
Perhaps consider using black holes and leeches . . . ? I dunno, they seem to connect a bit more for me.

In regards to word choice, too, I think you could perhaps choose better verbs in here, not just to support your ideas, but to also make the images stick a bit more. 'Suck' is perhaps strongest in here because it has a very clear connotation, but I'd suggest going through synonyms or trying to make intent clearer behind some of your actions. For instance, 'staring.' Staring tells me very little about the narrator's emotional state and it's a bit too neutral to really hold up on its own. Perhaps a better synonym might be glare? Or gape? Both hint at an underlying emotion that stare, by itself, does not convey. You could also add in an adverb or adjective to try to clarify, but I'd urge you to try to let verbs work on their own as much as possible. Similarly, 'feel' tells me nothing and doesn't really help build into your overall theme, either. Maybe radiate or emanate could be a better contrasting verb to bolster the thought?

At any rate, I do like the idea behind this. It's fresh and definitely not bogged down by cliche in any way. I'm getting a new, unique view here, and considering how many works I've read that just re-hash old ideas, I hope you understand that that's a very good thing and I hope you keep striving to communicate ideas in new ways. Just make sure that your construction of the poem helps support your claims and bring the reader in so that they can logically grasp your connections. Good work and good luck revising. Let me know if you want me to check out a revision or anything.

Rating /100