snow angels

I'm so sick of you,

All your talk of trying something new.

I'm done with your s**t.

I'm tired of feeling like this.

Do you see the shaking in my hands?

Can't you try to understand?

Making angels in the powder,

Remember when the powder replaced the snow,

I wish it hadn't.

But you can't change the past,

You know.

 

Little red pills,

Do they remind you of candy red hots?

Oh where did our innocence go?

Ravaged with needles,

Whittled away by smoke and rocks,

Crushed crystal shining like fairy dust.

Do you feel like you could fly?

 

If I leapt,

Left solid ground,

Would I fly,

Would I fall?

Would you come,

Run if I called?

If I died,

Committed suicide,

Would you come to my funeral?

 

I relinquish one,

Just to begin another,

Never wholly free,

I am bane of me.

This isn't what I wanted to be,

My existence envenomed

With bottles and powder and a knife,

My heart so full of strife.

 

Why'd you have to bring me here to tremble in the cold?

Well now that we're here,

Lets run and play and

Make angels in the snow.

 

Reviews

[Benjamin L. Weekly]

This is laced with strong emotion and powerful. I like how you connect "angels in the snow" as a theme of the poem, using that expression in both the beginning and the end. It's very sad. I'd say you've done a fair job but it seems rough, try working on the rhythm. In some places the pauses were sharp and jagged, interrupting the flow I would have liked. Here's an example:

"Why did you have to drag me out,
Into the cold?"
This looks like one line broke up into two unnecessarily. That makes it jagged and doesn't flow well. Try:

"Why did you have to drag me outside,
shivering in the cold?"

This makes the pause at the end of the first line grammatically correct and expands on the image. With poetry you want the reader to *feel* so instead of just *talking* about cold, *show* cold with "shiver" or an equivalent word.

These principles can be applied to the whole poem. Good luck and thanks for the friends list add.

- Tiger