All I Wanted.

4-26-10

All I wanted was to be good enough. The everlasting question is, good enough for who?  Was it for everyone else, or was it really only for myself? Never perfect, never flawless, I just wanted my flaws to run and hide, the way I felt I had to when they were at their worst. Dying inside, day by day, a mental war went on inside my head. Every single day was a matter of fighting back tears that nobody should see. I cry alone, I cry in vain. I cry, because after the wall I built up against my emotions cracked, it was too much to handle. I was left vulnerable, alone to wallow in the depths of my emotional chaos. How can i be so in love, yet live in such hate of myself? Complex thoughts are painful, sharp, almost murderous to the weak. Depressing and scary for the strong, because when you are strong, why let some intangible force bring you down? The force is you, your own mind, your own creation. In the end, your own murder.