Perception

Story of a woman who loses her mind and has to piece it back together.

It is a very interesting ordeal indeed to learn to balance something in your life that both serves as a guide for morality, philosophy, and psychological healing when that same set of ideas and understanding of reality also initially led one to ego driven narcissism and psychosis (as that was the way it was first misunderstood by her naive and hungry mind).

This is the story of a young woman, Amy Gray, who developed severe mental illness following the abuse of marijuana for about a year during her last year of college. When she smoked marijuana she experienced different reactions than her friends did while smoking the same pot--paranoia, internal mental voices, obsessional thinking patterns, and strange energetic sensations. Amy developed (or simply began to express to the point of dysfunctionality in her life) pure obsessive compulsive disorder (harm ocd and pedophile ocd), bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic symptoms, borderline personality disorder, and dissociative disorder (derealization) in her early 20s. Prior to this, she acted as a rather depressed, but functional individual.

Her first psychotic episode was about one month after majorly quitting marijuana for good--however, she still believes in the efficacy for marijuana treatment and recreation in individuals that do not have negative psychological reactions. Nonetheless, Amy never wanted to be on medicine nor to see therapists for the rest of her life.

During her senior year in college as a chemical engineer, she met a young man named Abilo in the research laboratory she worked at. They fell in love, and eventually got engaged, but she later left him due to her illness. Abilo introduced her to the world of marijuana and metaphysics, and she ate it up. Amy had grown up in a reformed Jewish household, but she had never practiced any religion seriously. She had considered herself agnostic until she developed her spiritual beliefs much later and became pagan.

After Amy's introduction to spirituality and the realm of interdimensional energies, she began to question the world and how reality functions around her. One day, at the age of 22, while she was alone in her and Abilo's apartment, she remembered the movie "Matilda" in which the child was telekinetic. While high, Amy decided to test if she had this ability. Amy, somehow, did in fact have this telekinetic ability. It was not a delusion or hallucination. Stunned, she video recorded the experience and was fascinated by the results when she sobered. At this time, her mind had not yet been fully disoriented by the articles on spirituality and a large degree of doubt about the ability remained within her. But each night after class she would practice, receiving validation that there was a verifiable phenomenon occurring which correlated the movement of objects to the guidance of her thoughts. She decided it was time to tell someone so she told her two friends that were a couple (one friend was Abilo's younger sister who was two years younger than her); Amy showed them the videos she had taken of the experiences. They were excited and wanted to try too--and of all the individuals in the world, synchronously, Amy was placed with two other individuals that also expressed the telekinetic ability. The couple would come over weekly and they would study the possibility of alien life forms and practice telekinesis together. Abilo's sister was the most naturally skilled at telekinesis and was easily able to move the object of focus in more difficult positions without practice than Amy or her boyfriend could.

Eventually, Amy's study of spiritual cult information regarding the "Ascended Masters" on the internet and her continued abuse of Marijuana led to the development of a major narcissistic delusion. This was that because she had telekinetic ability, which she still also insecurely doubted because the rest of the world didn't believe in it, she believed she must be the incarnation of some great famous spirit. Oddly, the telekinesis was the sane part, but the incarnated spirit was the beginning of her psychotic symptoms. After beginning to lose touch with the feeling of her own energies, she concluded she was the incarnation of Shakti, the Hindu goddess and that her twin flame and eternal partner was Shiva, the Hindu god. Amy did not tell anyone, but she left Abilo because she believed she would meet with Shiva's incarnation soon, and that they retained a telepathic connection only they knew about. By this time she quit smoking as the symptoms had become unbearable for her.

Amy moved out and into an old childhood friend's home in which she continued her cult studies--this time adding in studies on the nature and lore of Satan. These studies began to permeate her mind with fear and she became more and more demented. Her mind grew fragmented and obsessive and she would hear voices in her mind--distinct from auditory hallucinations. It was as though her inner voice had become shattered into several different entities--though she maintained her central persona. Cataclysmically, in Amy's life she began to talk to herself (Shiva) more frequently until, after two days of no sleep, she wound up lost at a grocery talking very loudly about how she believed Satan possessed her--she was baker-acted.

The rest of this story is about Amy's psychological healing and restoration through positive psychiatric techniques, philosophy, and spirituality and how after a suicide attempt--she develops a real ability: to eye gaze and to feel energy as well as to conceptualize a being's energy by inner extra energetic senses of sight, smell, and sound. She now truly experiences glimpses of the energy world she dreamed of, but constantly can not see truth because she us hindered by constant violent intrusive thoughts and her desire to see beyond her limited imagination by using her imagination and not her sensory capabilities. This is how Amy struggles to find a sense of self in a world where she lost touch with reality. How she has to learn to deal with her deep deep darkness such as pedophilic thoughts that began to disrupt her life at the age of 23, and that maybe she wasn't as good or nice of a person as she used to perceive herself..and how she can grow from that understanding.

Amy's visual imagery and understanding of consciousness is expressed throughout her experiences--it shows great development as she evolves.