Still thirteen

psychic plunge into the darkest abyss of depression found thy prepubescent phase of existence fraught against the manna sans extreme unction (or the unitarian universalist version thereof) left scars.

a ma lingering effect from angst riddled adolescence 

written some years ago, the psycho social mental events

indelible imprint etched psyche ova this pa on a win tree day hence
though a survivor of self starvation i yam confounded 
   what drove this emotional, physical and spiritual sense

less (and socially costly) ambition to die with fur vents
see, that invariably can let me be linkedin to other gals or gents
enduring the quotidian onslaught of this immense

lee debilitating illness of the mind, where emaciation reveals abs cents
of properly healthy flesh, which grim reaper insignia 

   viz skull and cross bones readies to snatch a body to dispense,

despite forty one birthdays elapsed 
   since cataclysmic eruption rent asunder

while ironclad maiden of deathly hallows clasped
   psyche, an internal maelstrom wrenched 
   worthiness pitting mien as blunder

bulldozing with razorblades 
   former childhood wondrous glee raising suicide
quiet riotous ambition, a painfully slow 
   (self starvation) mine inexorable ride

which chronological frieze kept hog tied 
   and hide bound this one grown male
dredging haunting spectre �" 
   where to be gratefully dead �" within elysian dale

youngest o me two female progeny 
   segued untrammeled ten plus eight years 
on february fourth two thousand seventeen 
   triggers flashback to wretched tears

sans that insidious roiling jagged stone 
   shredding/ thwarting desire to be alive
shockwaves extant to this day - 
   no matter long since recovered from nose dive

emotional, psychological & social repercussions 
   hound me present mental state
indelible permanent scars 
   (per anxiety, panicky, quirky tics) seem never to abate

try as I might to shake free 
   from the riptide affects that drowned this boy to grow 
he experiences an especially perilous remembrance 
   of that abysmal infernal woe

when thee second punim o thine 
   two lovely offspring passed that milestone age
with nary a hint how her papa felt locked up 
   within his abysmal agonizing stage

impossible to forgive permanent harm 
   inflicted not only on self but searing pain
my late mother & octogenarian father 
   whose angst this dada insight re: did gain

from bringing forth his own progeny 
   which years eclipsed at break neck speed
whereby each special daughter 
   evincing greater sturdiness akin to hardy weed

bound to surpass their papa hemming and hawing way and boast

(when and/or if they ever beget offspring) how coping with life coast
them manageable efforts versus permanently branding my youthful ghost
of Christmases past - when ability to function as recipient per host

averse to bing a guest, and easily mistaken for a stick figure or bed post
forever knowing potential to die, that burned life force like blackened toast

and hunger pains even to this day 
   frequently blithely ignored as if still callous
tempted, lured and baited by hand of death 
   this grown man wished inxs to kiss.

this note originally composed...when matthew dashed out the door 
and slightly updated with minor tweaks that perchance numbered four

trying to retain the initial core

sentiment when (a near futile) attempt made 

   to evoke slow burning suicide less or more

to ply tire less role of taxi for youngest daw tour

whose fifteenth birthday already whar.

Author's Note

if a buoy or gull in the throes (ups) re: feeling uncontrollably tortured by this deadly debacle, aye would fain avail to befriend thee and offer succor, thus take a risk by sharing with me i.e. americaonline dot com hay4four at sign - rearrange order of data to send.