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A Story by ElleHarvey

I guess it started with two things; a suicide attempt and music.

Of course there was more than one attempt and now there are plenty of songs, but that's how it began. And even those two things wouldn't have meant anything if not for that tiny room on that dark day, us sitting opposite each other and you with your guitar. You asked someone what an E7 chord was but she didn't know, so you played the song anyway, just without that one chord. It didn't sound right at all, and the way your lips moved with each strum and change of chord made me feel slightly strange. I had to get out of the room all of a sudden, because it was all coming back and you weren't prepared to see that. I wasn't like any of them and I couldn't let that go.

But even so, I stayed. But we were joined, and it wouldn't have mattered if I had left, because that first moment had, and now it meant nothing.

I was intimidated. I was terrified. I was entranced and intrigued and helpless. And hopeless too.

I couldn't lead someone on if I wasn't staying very long. That would just be cruel. Even so you sat next to me and we passed notes. It was easier to say things when we wrote them down.

In some ways I really miss those few months. Those few months were everything, when everything meant nothing and our nothingness wasn't filled with anything, and anything could go wrong.

Your books and notepads were filled with doodles, sketches, drawings. And yet you couldn't be an artist. I knew that. You can draw from memory or from an image in front of you with great detail, and yet you would rather make and paint model tanks and war heroes.

If I had a sleeping pill for every time I have asked you to draw me I would be dead, and that probably wouldn't be such a bad idea.

If I said that to you out loud you'd do that thing you do. You know, that thing where you put one arm around me and rub up and down vigorously and say in a strange voice 'oh no baby'.

We need to find our Sea of Love. I need to find our Sea of Love. If we don't ever find it I think I might go crazy. Why don't we have one yet? We have had enough time. There is no excuse.

We need to find our Sea of Love, so that you can come with me, my love, to the sea, the sea of love.