I am sorry

The hardest thing to happen to me is infertility

This truth
It will destroy you
An August day
While you sweep up rose petals
On our Sun drenched porch
You look at me from under heavy lashes
You say it's ok
You don't wish to be without me
It's ok your always want me
Your never stop

And I'll bask in this glory
Thanking God for you loving me
As tears prick the back of my eyes

The hand around my heart squeezes a little tighter
At all the lies
Until I am breathless with it

In time
There is a difference to us
Making love is no longer rushed
After
I look at you looking down at me
But neither of us say it's pointless
Your days will be a little darker a little longer
Things a little more useless
I know I did this
As the truth picks away at your dreams one by one

At Christmas we pretend we are still happy
Completely in love
While the truth comes out of me in great sobs
To your sister in the garden
She says it's ok your get through this
We both know she's lying
Inside she's crying

I had no right in making you love me
From the very start
So the hand squeezes a little tighter round my heart

Somewhere along the way
Anger rises
The tension surprises us
You begin to resent me
Hate me for letting you love me
I can see it in your grasp

And I am sorry
I loved you when I shouldn't have
I stayed a little too long
Cared a little too much
I needed this whatever it was

So the hand squeezes a little tighter round my heart

So invisibly I collect my possessions
Storing them
They lay there waiting

The courage comes at three in the morning
On a Tuesday
Silently I gather my things
Wait by the window for the taxi

The knowing erupted
Watching you hold your new godson
Looking at me longingly thinking
You can never give me this
Tears glazing your eyes
Looking so proudly
Its wrong of me to keep you
With me this is all your ever be
A childless man in his twenties
I should of been honest from the start
I've always known this

In your hallway
As the taxi pulls up
You help me with my bags saying nothing
I will never be wife, never be mother
Without you I'll never be anything

Before the taxi pulls away
You say your always love me
I say I know
But I have to let you go
I'm giving you a chance of what I can't give you
The most precious thing
A family

So the hand squeezes a little round my heart