Were you my friend?

A poem on the verge of a rant... currently under revisions

I thought you were my friend
I even treated you like kin
Everything I had, to you I did lend
But we gave up on each other for men

You tore from me my beating heart
And dug into my skin your poison dart
You caused this rage with in my soul
Rage and hate take their toll

I want to rip you limb from limb
It was never between you and him
But you made me make a choice
And I had to find my own voice

So, I hate your pretty smile
Let’s put this whole ordeal on trial
Let’s tell everyone what you did
Its only yourself you have to kid

Tell everyone about the pain you caused
Tell everyone about all my flaws
Build your army, one by one
I’ll stand alone, I will not run

Turn from me those I trust
All you do is feed my lust
Spin your lies, I’ll build my hate
For our friendship it is too late

All I want you to know
Is that I truly hate you so
So dance your dance, I’ll sing my song
Everyone will know I was right all along

Author's Note

Working on a rewrite....

Reviews

[Tony]

Forgive me for saying but you sound a little angry here! I like the message and you convey a good deal of emotion here. However, there are a few lines that didn't flow so well, they kinda tripped me up...

"Everything I had, to you I did lend" Is one of them. I don't know if it's the fact that I don't read much poetry (even though this said story it kinda looked like a poem so if it is a story sorry for the misunderstanding) or if it really is a "tongue twister" of a sentence. When I read something I look for a smooth flow so in the end my complaint may only be something drawn on personal opinion.

Other than that I don't see anything wrong with it. If you do revise it by all means send me another invite to read it and thanks again for this invite... I have to admit I had to cover one eye for fear of someone's throat being cut out... I was relieved there were no zombies or any blood... phew. I don't know if any of this blabber can help you but... oh well... you get the point: I liked it.

[Samantha S.]

i can absolutely relate to this poem on all levels. this has happened to me, for the most part. i love this poem!!!! very good work, i commend you a thousand times!!

-sam-

[You Don't Know Me]

I have to agree with the first reviewer...that line didn't flow very well. It had a weak beginning, but the rest of it was outstanding. While reading it, the flow was so fast-paced, I began to feel the rush of anger you must have had while writing it.

[Robert Luna]

Wow this would work so well as a spoken poem on the verge of a rant. I could feel the true emotions rush out of your words and the way to made your reader know exactly where you were coming from and what had made you get that way. You truly captured a rawness of an energy that flowed so perfectly.

Great Job!!!