Awakening

Whispering quiet

Rising sun
Painted morning gold.

Gentle wind rustling
Through the leafy branches

Like lips
Whispering.

Reviews

[Aley]

Hey Leo

I think that you're really attempting to mimic the deep aspects that you see in the morning awakening, but with so little content, you're not getting very far. I'd suggest that you really delve into word choice a little more thoroughly if you're going to continue writing such short pieces because right now this is something I could easily see just being said to mock poetry instead of explore the deeper bodies of poetry itself.

If you choose better words rather than the typical "gentle wind" and "golden sun" images, you're going to get a better result. Delve into your ideas and develop your own language for the situation you imagined and see what you come up with. Don't be afraid to make it longer too.

Good luck!

[Leo]

Thank You for taking time and giving such a detailed review. l appreciate the honesty of your recommendations. As a matter of fact, you are right. I agree, my word choice on this one is kinda cliche and overly common. On the other hand, when we enjoy those simple moments we don't always think in complex lyrical terms. I was pursuing something very simple, first thoughts that come to mind when you catch yourself listening to the quiet. Those simple feel-good moments don't always need to be described in longer terms. But again, I know what you mean and I don't shy from longer pieces too :))