One Year, One Day, One Second

Poem? depicting feelings during a dark year

One Year, One Day, One second

I started the Year fatter than normal, no job and hence very little money.  I slowly slipped into a social coma. Some might say i am turning into a grumpy old man but it was something that began to grow as i had time to look around and analyse the world and people in it.  Im not grumpy just appalled at how some people can actually get on in life while practicing the art of selfishness and general disrespect for human kind.  I don't really get invited out much now days as i have been informed that my friends don't appreciate being told their flaws and why they have ended up where they are.  "Aww my girlfriend just up and left me, now i'm all alone and need to get drunk".  That will make things better, I don't think. If you would have listened to me 3 months ago you would have realised that she didn't like being called your b***h,  She didn't like you getting smashed all the the time, and actually...she wasn't being clingy, she just wanted you to be there for her when she needed you.. But hey, yeah she up and left for no reason, and you need to get drunk, like you have been every night for the last.. well ever since i've known you. The thing that did genuinely surprise me was how spineless people are.. Nobody is willing to stand up and say "Yes i did say that and, yes you are a c**k".. Unless its through twitter or facebook.. why then its no holds barred.  Feel free to slag of everyone and their dog, oh and bring your friends into the bitching too. In fact lets see if we can f**k off the entire planet by publishing statements that you neither understand or really care about.  The fallout will be hilarious.. Until somebody confronts you face to face.. then it will be "i was drunk" or "somebody Facebook raped me"  Spineless.  So i'm feeling pretty lonely, but in a good way.  I'd rather spend the rest of my life with not a friend that feel like i must be fake and conform to the gradual moral suicide that is my community.  Im beginning to loose the weight now, Comfort Eating is not bringing much comfort anymore.  Instead i dip into virtual worlds hoping to find a role unachievable in this life.  And if it doesn't quite work out the way i intend .. Well i can re-roll and start again.  

Today i woke up, well i say woke up.  I don't really sleep much lately, but i sat up, looked about and listened.. It was the same as most days.  Grey noise and a darkness that isn't visible. Traffic occasionally filling the gaps of barking dogs and wanting children.  A few stomping feet and doors being slammed.  It is morning therefor pressure must be applied, and i have broad shoulders i'm sure i can take it.  Well maybe once upon a time, but not recently.. Not with these swollen eyes and this eternal headache.  Im broken, My mind feels like gravel being turned at a building site.. Just noise.  Nothing makes any real sense anymore. I want to feel something other than frustration.  I want to be content not wondering why or if this is all happening to piss me off. Gradually the noise subsides.  It is night and all that is left is the darkness.. It engulfs me like a swarm of insects, irritating and heavy.. making it impossible to think clearly.  The chaos comes and here i am again in another world, not my virtual realms of wizards and warriors but a very real hell where all is real yet nothing physical.  Here i can be king if i can just win the battle. I remember when this was my world, when i dictated what was to be, I ruled this plane, and all was good.  It hasn't been that way for a long time, I fight with bloody hands to hold on but the strength has been stolen from me.  I am a stranger in a world i created. Welcome to the night 

Then i stop.  Take a deep breath, inhaling all that sustains life. My lungs embrace the oxygen as my chest lifts,stretches to make space for this most precious gas.  My eyes closed i feel my blood pumping and new life energising my existence.  A warmth hits me as a shaft of gold steals its way between my drapes and absorbs into my skin. There is silence, no whisper, thought or care. Just an undefined intoxicating emotion.  

Im Alive

Author's Note

This is my first piece of writing that i have ever posted and wondered what you thought.. PLease leave a review comment or something. It would be very helpful. Thankyou