Final chapter

Goodbye my almost lover (life)

A letter to my ex fiancé
I gave all I had with work and school and you
I know I was crabby and distant and my medications made me numb
Doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you every second and feel my heart rip every 16 hour day I spent away. Part of me will always wish I hadn’t gone to school because then I could have enjoyed the last two years with you. Not that I didn’t you were my everything and I was happy to work myself to the bone to give us a better life. I understand that I was gone though which made you drift from me. I truly tried to hold on but you slipped from my grasp and in the arms of an other. And even then I held on hoping it would run its course but even then I knew I was running on borrowed time. But I still had to try because what ever time I had left with you I was going to give my all. Unfortunately the pain and thoughts of you with an other woman were to great even for me. And I drank myself away pretending I was okay. Though I had this hallow ache constantly. I lost 22 lbs in two weeks. I’m not proud of that. I cried in the bathroom after you fell asleep after nights of drinking with her.

Then after few months of this I went to Germany , you said it would tell you all you needed to know. I knew that was only hopeful thinking. And when you dropped me off we both felt something pull and break inside. That’s when I knew the end was near. That was a break in our bond, the feeling of loss.

I did what was best and left so you can have your freedom and learn to cope on your own. I doubt she will do the same so I hope you find the strength to not fall in the same pattern again. Jump from me to her and never grow. I want you to grow and be happy yet another reason I left. You have to do so alone. Just as I am. Just sucks I won’t get to see your best you, the you I fought to help you see.

Now in the wake of loss and destruction, I still have to do what’s best, and break both of our hearts again. But I’ve always known life is sacrifice and doing what has to be done and not just what I want. I don’t want to sever what we have left but it has to be done. Hero’s don’t get saved .... they just somehow survive