Today

Today is the day that breaks me…

 

Abruptly woken from the deepest of sleep as you enter my once again tortured dreams and glare at me with a devilish grin. A demon haunting my subconscious is what you have become. This pain is at the center of my being. My heart once warm now has to grow cold. I have to let you die in order for myself to live. I must toughen my skin, which has grown weak with emotion.

 

In that moment, that act of treachery, all my past feelings of comfort and compassion were purged from my body. Your betrayal burns hotter than any fire that has ever scorched the surface of this earth. The flames not cauterizing my wounds but reducing me to ashes and returning me to the ground in which I came from.

 

The warmth and admiration that once filled my heart was instantly replaced with rage and regret. The beast inside of my smiled wide knowing that he would now be in control. Running free. As I remain cold and quiet, he roars loudly inside of me shaking my core, leaving my ears deaf to any fleeting words of a now dying memory.

 

My convictions run deeper than most, my passion ever lasting. If I love you, if I hate you, I do so with every ounce of my being. I now must try to drown myself in positivity to attempt to avoid the maelstrom. Trying to quiet my rage and suppress my first instincts and desires for retribution. Fighting off the urges of what wants to be my new life's mission; to reduce you to the pile of emotional rubble that we both know is constantly trying to emerge. I have far since denounced you as a friend and now barely acknowledge you as a life form. But watching you choke on your own despair while my beast pulls your tattered strings will remind me of the form of life that you are. My bitten lips no longer sealed will smile fully and without end as I relish in the fact that I severed all ties that bound me to such a failed attempt of subhuman connection.

 

My short-lived desire to submerge myself in positivity was nothing more than a farce. I know what I am and I can only embrace what I become. There will be no charity from me today. No sympathy for a weakened spirit. The lines crossed that day can never be undone and my beast will forever run in your direction. When you finally hit the jagged rock bottom of the dark, cold pit you are free falling into, we will be there to embrace your pain. Enjoying the malevolent pleasure of your suffering. This is what you have created.

 

Yet again I find myself contemplating whether or not these thoughts are fit to be carried from my mouth to anyone’s ears.  Should I burn these words like I have so many before? Charred remnants of my documented failings blowing through the wind, a jigsaw puzzle with no hope of completion; passing so many by for all eternity yet never being spoken again. But perhaps the ashes of these words as well as the ashes I was reduced to can serve a better purpose than either of us could do in our whole forms. To nourish the roots of regrowth, and to lead the way to better days. With your twisted horn now removed from my side, the sky ahead has cleared. With the bright yellow sun shining gently on my once chilled face, I am left to hope...

 

Today can be the day that rebuilds me.