Before and After a Memory

Anna tries not to break down in her fiance's funeral. Their memories flashing back and forth making it for her to last even a miute.

 

AFTER

 

It only took one phone call… and a phone call can last 5 seconds or 10 hours even if you have the time and effort for that.

 

For me it only took 3 seconds and the impact of that is greater than any 10 hour long conversation.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Is this Miss Anna Beth?” the voice wasn’t familiar, it was clear and formal.

“Yes this is she.”

“I am sorry to inform you this but Will Carlson did not make it to the ER.”

I was confused, “excuse me?”

“Mr. Carlson was caught in a car accident today around 2:45 in the afternoon, he was found bleeding in the back of the taxi.” There was no hint of emotion in this voice, “Ambulance made it in time however his stopped responding a 10 minutes.”

 

He’s dead. Will is dead.

 

What was supposed to be my reaction?

 

BEFORE

 

He looked at me before he would answer the question; it wasn’t long but more of a 2 second eye contact. He even smiled or it was my imagination and I thought he was cute so I would want the idea of a cute guy smiling at me.

 

“There are so many things I value and I can give you so many answers but I believe Forever is one of the things I value the most,” he said it with so much hope and joy in his voice. I thought it was an unusual answer though…

 

Kyle didn’t quite understand so he just stared at him dumbfounded trying to make sense of it all. I could see it in his expression trying to fit the pieces of his words together. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who noticed Kyle’s confused yet analysing expression Will also saw this so he continued to explain.

 

“I value Forever because it is not much of a life span but a timeline of moments we all create not for the sake of remembering but for the sake of living. I do not care of how long time is spent because though we count,” he gestured counting by fives with his right hand, “see we count 1,2,3… what we don’t realize is that there is an infinity in between each number the way we do not realize that years are just bigger spans of time that we put too much pressure on. Forever can last in a minute not just in an eternity. They are in the moments we are living.”

 

AFTER

 

The worst thing about death is the uncertainty of it all. It either comes at you as a sickness or just hits you hard without anyone knowing you’re dead in the next five minutes. For me the best uncertainty is sickness because at least you have time to cherish every single moment you have and accidents are the worse because it feels like a second only passed and then they are just gone.

I didn’t know that when he said “I love you” that would be the last I’ll ever him say that. I didn’t know that we only had 4 years in our sleeves; I didn’t know that the wedding will never happen. Who knew… who knew right? It’s not that I’m wishing he had cancer instead, oh God no one would want that but I just wanted one last goodbye, one last kiss and one last stupid metaphoric conversations with him. I want my lasts to count because I keep replaying that day over and over in my head seeing that those were not the moments I want to be his last.

 

BEFORE

He doesn’t get down on one knee. There’s no string quartet that suddenly appears or Rose petals falling on us to set the mood. No, there was no romantic moon whatsoever just him and this tiny velvet box. He didn’t even look fancy, he just wore a simple shirt and pants yet he looked clean not sloppy.

 

The place wasn’t that romantic either; he just knocked on my door and stood there with that box. Words didn’t have to come out of his mouth for me to know what he was about to ask because the question was on his hand. Maybe he was nervous to ask however it did not show because he was smiling at me as if he knew my answer.

 

Most girls would want some grand gesture as a proposal and fine I admit I want that too but sometimes simplicity is better than flashy. What may seem boring can be romantic because I don’t believe any man would just walk up to your door to propose to you. So I guess the spontaneity of it all was the romantic gesture.

 

“Will you-“ I cut him off because he didn’t need to ask me! I repeated “yes” over and over again with tears, I wanted to hold them back but I couldn’t because they came with the biggest smile and joy in my expression.

 

AFTER

 

“Anna are you okay?” that’s the most asked question of the week, from friends, relatives and even mutual friends who are more like strangers to me.

 

It’s not illegal for them to ask me that but what kind of answer are they expecting? A smile saying that I’m fine and he’s with the lord or me breaking down into tears because the world is just so unfair? I do neither of these things and instead I say a simple monotone yes. These people expect me to be strong because this isn’t the first time it happened to me, though it also doesn’t often happen for me to get used to it. So they expect me to be brave and just pray whenever they ask me that stupid question.

 

Though the real answer is I want to scream at the universe for taking him away from me too soon. I want to scream at the universe for taking two people that I’ve loved the most.

 

“I’m fine Aunt Gertrude,” I replied with a small smile.

“Now don’t bullshit with me child,” she told me.

 

Only Aunt Gertrude will know what I’m really feeling, when my sister died she told me to feel and not conceal the pain. Don’t tell people that you are fine when you’re not even if people say the more you say that you’re doing okay you’ll convince yourself, it’s a bunch of bullshit. The only way you can convince yourself that you are fine is if you let yourself feel every single thing you’re supposed to then you can move on.

 

“Remember what I told you child if you conceal your feelings you’re paying disrespects to the dead because you’re letting them know that they are just as disposable as that tissue in your hand.” She said and that’s the last thing I want Will to feel.

 

BEFORE

 

“Your speech was beautiful by the way, “ I told Will as we were leaving the Church’s basement.

He smiled at me and said, “yeah… Tommy told me about the value of forever before he died.” Even though he was still smiling his eyes were sad.

“Wise kid I remember him here and how he’s so enthusiastic,” I said picturing Tommy’s face full of glow when he was explaining to everyone how oblivion is there and though we fear it we cannot avoid it.

“Did he tell you guys about oblivion?” he asked laughing I can tell by his expression that he was reminiscing as we talked, “how we just can’t avoid the fact we’re all going to die and how we’ll just be forgotten in the end. He said it’s stupid for us to fear it, it’s better to ignore the fact of oblivion because when we die there would be people to remember us even if our legacy is not great. Even if we’re not written in history books or as great as Aristotle, even if we’re not going to be a memory for the whole world we’ll be remembered by people choosing to move on from our passing.”

 

I stared at him and I saw the longing in his eyes. He misses Tommy and I’ve seen the same expression a hundred times from every session I lead. Usually I tell them to put their faith to God and say that it’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to cry, to scream to the skies how the Universe is just unfair and that if they let it all out they are also able to let go but still keep the precious memories that will make them smile not hate the idea of death. I wanted to comfort him but instead I held back letting him remember Tommy in this moment.

 

“I never want to forget him. He was brave for someone who is 15, when I was his age I was scared to talk to girls,” he joked, “so how’d you end up being a grief counsellor?”

 

I always knew how to answer this question because it always makes people wonder how someone who has a degree in psychology would just end up as a grief counsellor.

 

“When I was 10 my sister died of leukaemia. She was 12 but she was beyond her years. She saw the world in such a deep philosophy for someone that young. Then around last year my dad died from a brain tumour.”

“I am so sorry about that though my apologies are both unnecessary and useless since it would do nothing. However I promise you this is sincerity out of mutual feelings not a pity fest.” he said.

“Everyday… I do this for them because I would want others to remember that life is short and grieving is just a process not a lifetime.” I told him and then suddenly my tongue slipped and said, “It took me years trying to get my sister’s death and then to add in my fathers, I knew blaming the universe will do nothing but I know I’m not the only one yelling at the sky whenever they take someone I love. Death is inevitable however its-“

He cut me off and continued with the same words I was supposed to say, “The uncertainty, we all know death exists and we’ll also die but we like to believe death is as far away as the sun. Then all of the sudden it hits us faster than we can imagine, it’s not a door like most metaphors. Because a door you can open slowly so you can linger into the suspense, death doesn’t open a door it leads you away from it.”

 

He and tommy have the same sparkle in their eyes whenever they spoke. They also both have a depth in everything they talk about; they love metaphors and making everything sound so poetic.

 

I didn’t realize that as we were conversing we were walking towards my car, I was shocked and I looked at Will who was smiling at me. I didn’t want our conversations to end; no I want it to begin over and over again. I want to hear him talk about the stars, the skies and Tommy. His voice was just as calm and as beautiful as the words that he spoke.

 

“How weird would it be to ask you out for coffee?” he asked.

 

I did not hesitate to answer because it sounded so cliché and like a movie or a book that I’ve been reading for years and only now did it make its way to reality. “I would love that.”

 

AFTER

 

I was too scared to give my eulogy; I was shaking as I made my way up the podium my eyes not leaving his casket. I’ve already seen him inside; he looked so calm as if he’s just taking a nice long nap then he’d wake up after a few hours. Oh how I wish he’d just wake up right now.

 

“The worst thing about death is not the dying part but the uncertainty of it all.” I was managed to say at least a few words but I felt the tears choking its way up my throat however I just kept talking, “Then all of the sudden it hits us faster than we can imagine, it’s not a door like most metaphors. Because a door you can open slowly so you can linger into the suspense, death doesn’t open a door it leads you away from it. That was the first conversation me and Will ever had, ironically it was about death.

 

It was his first day in our circle and the moment I heard him talk about valuing forever I knew that he was the sort of person who wastes no time in actually taking action of the saying carpe diem. He talked about forever how it isn’t a lifetime, it’s just tiny bits of infinity between every second we are spending and I’m happy to say I’ve spent forever with Will. We spent it with long metaphoric conversations mixed with laughter. We spent it smiling, we spent it fighting and we spent it in the rain like it was some old movie cliché.”

 

Everyone gave a laugh.

 

“Will spent his days well, his forever did not stop there because his forever was spent with every single person he loved and cared about. I love him so much and no matter how many times I’d scream that to the sky nothing they will not give him back to this earth. I’d like to think he’s up there with the angels, with God and most of all with Tommy. So Will I hope you know that I’ll never stop valuing our forever because time is not stopping.”

 

I choked.

 

BEFORE

 

We all have choices in life, some simpler than most and some harder to decide whether or not a choice should’ve been given. I stared at my computer screen and I just do that for the next five seconds until I heard a knock on the door. If I sit still and won’t make a sound maybe the person knocking will go away, it’s not that I know who is knocking the reason is I prefer not to see or talk to anyone at the moment.

 

Gosh, I’m just stupid. I had a pretty good thing going on and I ruined it. I was smiling and actually enjoying the idea that I am in love or that someone actually wants to commit to only loving me. That he would look at me as if I’m the only girl in this world.

 

I was drowning in my mistake and the person knocking decided to bang my door. Okay he or she will regret it. I stomped all the way downstairs to the door and as soon as I flung it open there he was on my door step. He looked as if he actually ran in the rain.

 

“I am a stupid f*****g a*s wipe who almost let the one thing that made him happy walk away,” he said not even letting himself inside because he was already shivering from the cold.

 

“Will you can’t just-“

He cut me off and continued, “Please let me finish because we’ll end up with a screaming match if you try to squeeze yourself into this conversation.”

I rolled my eyes and shrugged it off letting him continue his grand speech or whatever.

“I love you Anna Beth, I am in love with you like the moon with the sun, the sea with the shore and Mickey with Minnie mouse. I am in love with not the thought of you, I am not in love with the beauty you possess but the heart that comes with everything. I am in love with your laugh, your subtle gestures when you talk, the sparkle in your eyes when you talk about things you care about, and the way you’d scream at me because you can’t understand my stupid metaphors. I even love it when you call it stupid.”

 

He was talking so fast, he was already panting while talking but he didn’t stop to catch his breath.

 

“I am in love with you, all of you and goddammit I am an idiot if I let myself push away the only woman who can make me feel like this. Not everyone finds this, most people just settle to ache away from the lonesome feelings but I don’t want to be like that! I embrace this feeling; I embrace the beauty of timing and the fact the good Lord didn’t lead me on with a mirage because he gave me the actual thing.”

 

And then he inhaled deeply trying to savour his last breath. I just stared at him wondering if he was done with his speech and done with making me feel… making feel.

 

“Are you done?” I asked and realized I was smiling when I asked. He was the only guy that can actually make me feel like love can exist. Like I don’t have to settle with any guy just for the sake of not being single for the rest of my life, he is the man who is the hopeless romantic you see in movies the one who will go out of his way to prove he belongs with you. I love that I met a man like that.

“Yeah…no” he stammered, “I’m done with what I have to say but I’m not done with you. I’m never done with you.”

I grabbed his hand and asked, “didn’t you tell me to leave?”

 

He bit his upper lip careful to choose his words, he placed his free hand on my chin tilting it towards his face with our lips almost meeting and he said, “I wanted you to chase after me.”

 

I just stared at him; embracing the unspoken words we both wanted to say but preferred the quiet smiles. I knew then that no matter what happens I will always love him and at some point one of us will come back.

 

AFTER

 

Everyone said I wrote a beautiful eulogy for Will and then muffled condolences because they still don’t know what to properly say to someone grieving. You can go to 10 funerals and still don’t know what to do because what if the next thing you say was inappropriate or sound almost insincere though you actually care. What are we supposed to do? How can one be a crying shoulder without turning to an uncomfortable stone or trying too hard coming off as someone plastic?

 

Even though I complained about how everyone always say the same things like “you have to move on he’s in a greater place” so much it’s because they don’t know what else to actually say. Somehow it’s better to be redundant with the rest rather than to try to say anything else because you’ll never know their reaction. So now I take their condolences to my heart because deep down they care if not for me then for Will and if not for Will then me.

 

For some reason this realization only came now, when it was my father’s funeral I wanted to strangle anyone else that says “he’s in a better place now” because God knows I wasn’t in a better place at that time. It wasn’t enough I lost my older sister at such a young age, I also lost my only parental figure. My dad was the only one that ever stuck with us and loved us. Our mother walked out the moment I was born because she didn’t want another child since one was bad enough for her. I never understood how my father who was such a good man falls in love with her.

 

This would sound wrong and after the next 3 seconds I should knock on wood for even thinking this but I wish this was my mother’s funeral or that she died and not my father. Gosh how I know my father would’ve loved Will, he would be here with me his arm around my shoulders crying more than me. He was always an emotional man, unlike my mother who seemed to be made of stone. She didn’t even go to my father’s funeral well that wasn’t much of a surprise since she didn’t attend my sister’s either. If I ever decide to actually attend her funeral I wouldn’t cry, people wouldn’t even bother to comfort me they’d just hope I wouldn’t pop the champagne in the middle of everything.

 

I’m not afraid to say this because I will admit I am heartless towards her.

 

If Will was here he’d tell me that everyone does deserve a second chance even if this person is numb towards it. He was a good person just like my dad. Great I’m crying over two things now my dad and Will.

 

Did I do something wrong? Why is God punishing me? What did I ever do to deserve all this pain? To have my sister die, my father die, my mother abandon me and the love of my live dying?

 

I stared at the crucified Jesus statue and internally screamed my thoughts. I was raised Catholic but I would be a stupid hypocrite if I didn’t say that there are times I doubt the existence of a God. Because what kind of God will send me such misery? Is this like the book of Jobs? Is this a test to my faith Lord?

Well Lord I am slowly losing it, you may now give whatever it is that you owe the devil for losing the bet. Because the only way I would scream every cuss I want to you is if you take everyone else leaving me alone. I will no longer believe you, I will not even mention you but don’t worry I won’t curse at those with faith. I’ll just waste away with what I wish I had. Is that the prayer you want to hear Lord? Is this what you want me to say to you?

 

“Anna?” I heard Aunt Gertrude’s voice, it was soft and confused. She never saw me like this. Staring at who is supposed to be our saviour with so much hatred and questions even if I wasn’t saying my thoughts aloud my expression and stiffness gives it all away.

“Why is it like this?” I asked not waiting for the answer, “why does everyone I love have to die? My sister, my father and now Will. Does he want me to be miserable?”

“It’s just a test of faith dear,” she told me.

“A test of faith,” I repeated with a little edge to my voice, “what kind of test is this? I never did understand the book of Jobs that was the part of the Bible I wanted to rip out. A God making a bet with Lucifer and then destroying a man’s life in the process, what kind of God is that?”

“But in the end Jobs had a better life, God rewarded his faith.” She told me reaching out for me but I was distant, “bad things always end Anna we just have to keep faith that it would change for the better.”

 

BEFORE

 

Usually there’s this 3 day rule after first dates, I don’t know who made that rule but whoever did is someone avoiding clingy relationships or don’t want to seem clingy. I don’t have much of an opinion about it until Will called the next day after we got coffee. I felt happy when he did, I didn’t even think he was moving too fast or if there’s even a tomorrow for us. Because I just want to hear him talk, hear him tell me things about music and the universe. Heck he can talk about dirt for all I care and I will be so invested in it I’d forget we’re talking about dirt!

 

“He called you the next day?” My friend Michelle, since college we were in the same classes during our freshman year and we’ve been friends ever since, sounded shocked when I told her, “talk about clingy! Or worse he’s a stalker! Maybe he faked the whole brother cancer thing.”

 

I didn’t know if she was serious or if she was joking it’s hard to tell sometimes.

 

“He’s a really nice guy as soon as me and him get to know each other better I promise you will meet him,” I reassured her.

“Well you better! Because I better know if this would be a jerk.”

“I know how to take care of myself I’ve been doing that for years.”

“Yeah but you haven’t been dating much so who knows maybe this Will guy is putting up an act to get into your pants”

I took a few moments to answer because I felt a smile across my face, “he’s not trust me.”

“He called you right after the whole date! There are rules to be followed Anna.”

I laughed at her and wondered what would Will say. Wow I only knew the guy for a few days I shouldn’t be this giddy or happy or this excited but yeah he’s just… an exception. He’s different; I want to tell her that. I want to say how he’s not like every single guy out there just trying to get hook ups since there are actual guys looking for love.

“What rules?” I asked amused, “rules written in between glossy pages that also talks about loving your body and then telling you how to lose weight? Or is it these unwritten laws of love and dating? Trust me Mich, Will is a different guy.”

Then she looked me in the eyes deep with concern, “that’s what they all say sweetheart.”

 

AFTER

 

We headed to the cemetery to watch his casket be buried in the ground. They all stood there with tears, from his family who now lost both their wonderful sons, to his friends and other people whose lives he touched. Each of them placing a rose and a handful of dirt as it descends to the ground. One by one they all left until I was the only one left.

 

“Hey,” I turned around to see Michelle, her eyes weren’t as red as everyone else’s but I knew she was also sad if not sad for Will’s death then sad because I lost him, “I want to ask how are you doing but that would be stupid since I already know the answer.”

“Yeah… I thought I was the only one left,” I told her.

“You know you’re right,” she suddenly said because I had no clue with that she was saying when she meant I was right.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re right Will is a different guy,” she said, “you know I already made my toast for your wedding and I wanted to talk about how I thought Will was just another guy who wants to get into your pants. Then you told me he was different and how you’re right.”

“Too bad you can’t say it, he would’ve laughed.”

“I bet he would.” Michelle was usually a talkative one but all her words disappear when she knows there’s no use for them. Especially during times like this, as if silence is her only way of comfort. “On the scale of 1-10, 10 being in excruciating pain, how do you feel?”

 

I looked at the fresh grave before answering her, I do know I want to scream or at least knock something over with my full force then go home and cry once I do either of those things. So maybe 8.5, close to breaking down yet close enough to not cry once I close my eyes.

 

“Around an 8.5,” I answered my eyes still on the fresh grave, there isn’t a tombstone yet but once they place it I know that he’s really gone.

 

Sure the news that he died automatically means he’s gone but that’s not when the realizations comes. It comes with the finalizations, the funeral, the tears, the tombstone and the empty house.

 

“It’s nowhere in between yet not that close to breakdown,” Michelle added, “You will find someone else.” The way she said it stung as if Will could be that replaceable.

 

I didn’t answer because I felt the venom of words on my tongue and if I opened my mouth I would hiss curses through my lips. She stayed there standing like a statue waiting for me; I didn’t verbally say that I wanted her to leave however she got the idea after a few more minutes of waiting. I didn’t try to be cold neither did I feel to be cold towards her or anyone, grief sometimes does that to you making you numb to anything else except sadness. Then the sadness clouds your mind from the realization of moving on. The epiphany comes later after a while, for some years and for me it usually takes longer. Yet the sadness goes away a bit.

 

Memories stay…

 

If only I knew that you’d leave me Will, if only I knew what my last words would be I could’ve changed it and if I knew our last moment I could’ve went grand before you left me. I wanted you stay, I love you and nothing will ever change that. Moving on from you sounds like a horrible and terrifying idea yet we all have to right? Even I hate to maybe not right now or tomorrow and any distant future but I know it will happen. But whoever he will be won’t be close to you, probably will not make me feel what you made me feel and probably will not fill the same role you did. No other person can beat your hopelessly romantic mind, your metaphors and your love for me.

I’ll always have your heart and you’ll always have mine.

 

BEFORE

“I can’t wait for the day I come home and yell out ‘HONEY! I’m home!’” he teased while grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry. He giddily skipped towards me; he’s always like this every morning. While most people would hate the idea of a Monday he loves it. He wakes up with a smile while I wake up with a scowl and dark thoughts that would only brighten around 1 in the afternoon.

“Why do you sound so f*****g happy in the morning?” I hissed making coffee, strong black coffee to wake me up. “It’s too early for that.”

“It’s…” he checked his watch and then smiled back me with satisfaction saying, “9:30 in the morning! It’s not late for anyone.”

“Whatever.” I got my coffee and sat down by the kitchen table ready to plan my next session, “so have any interesting plans for today?” I was actually interested in his job; he’s an art curator for a trendy art gallery in the city. He’s good at his job, he loves it. He describes at looking for stories and displaying them for people to indulge in. Also it’s where his famous metaphors come to life and for people’s minds to grasp.

“Well our next exhibit will feature animal art,” he said laughing.

“Animal art, art made by animals or from them?” I had to ask.

 

Will put the chips in his bag and then grabbed a bottle of orange juice from the fridge before he proceeded with his explanation.

 

“When I meant animal art I meant the art pieces are hand crafted and are shaped like parts from certain animals,” he said, “me and my assistant Kyle will be waiting for the art works that were shipped from Australia. Then we’ll talk to the exhibition designer Bill about it then yeah pretty much a busy day.”

“Yet you sound so ecstatic!”

“Of course why would I hate my job? I love it and I love doing it, so I will see you at 8 because we have a dinner reservation at that new Italian place.”

“That sounds great,” I told him and kissed him before he’d say goodbye.

“I love you Anna, I will love you until the end of my days…” he said, “you’ll see.”

“Our wedding isn’t until 3 months so save the vows,” I told him kissing him again.

“Just want to remind you.” Then he kissed me on the forehead before he walked out that door.

 

WHAT SHOULD’VE HAPPENED NEXT…

 

I should’ve ran after him… I should’ve stopped him before he got on that taxi. I should’ve grabbed his hand and held it tight then never let go. I should’ve kissed him, long and hard until we both couldn’t breathe. That should’ve been our last moment and this should’ve been my last words…

 

“I love you, I truly am deeply, unconditionally, irrevocably and so passionately in love with you. There will be no one in comparison with you because there is no one else on this planet who loves to speak in metaphors, smile sincerely at almost everything, sing in the shower in perfect pitch and wake up every morning laughing. There is no one like you and I love that you are giving me this forever. The time we have is infinite; nothing will ever make it end. I love you and I’m always going to love you until the end of my days you’ll see.”

 

I should’ve said all of that, which should’ve been the perfect ending to our love story. But that’s the thing about endings they are uncertain. Everything is uncertain, the beginning, the middle and especially the end.

 

BEFORE

 

Will looked at me as if I was the only girl there in that crowded street, he didn’t care that we stopped right in the middle of rushing people neither did he worry about someone taking his wallet. He smiled at me and said, “I am in love with you Anna.”

Author's Note

grammar problems? Does the dialogue seem real? Did it portray someone truly grieving? I would like to hear anything about it reall.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the complete story. I like how you used the before and after. Gave the story balance and reason. You led the reader into sadness and into memory. Thank you for sharing the excellent story. Your words held me to the words.
Coyote

[A. Amos]

I like the use of before and after, great way of keep your readers turning the page...good write!