Wondering If

A Story by luciddreamer

Ok, so here it goes, I've been sober all day thinking this through.

But now that I have inhaled

I believe

there is a few things I just have to say

I love you, whatever that means. I'm no longer sure, it has brought me to my knees.

I am extremely confused, but please be aware no longer afraid. My goal here is one of the same as it always has been to be a better human to benifit humanity.

As I act like the mama Grizzly, I have no doubt.

Yet human thoughts complex me it is exhausting, the way that I think.

I hurt for humanity, yet put mental blocks on my own seed.

This no longer makes sense to me and has started me on a journey,

at times I am afraid a selfish one,

I don't know where it will lead

We can come up with a million and one reasons, illnesses or neglects; ptsd, high blood pressure, panic attacks, abuse my family did to me, lost memories...oh my the list goes on and on...excuse me but I'm ready to dump it all except what allows me to be me.

It is coming from "within" this battle that I fight. When I was a child I could see the devil on the left and the angel on the right. Hell I'm at the point I'm not sure there is a wrong or a right. All I know is I'm miserable, I seem to have this on/off switch when I am around people, especially family, I never feel comfortable enough to act the way I really want to act. And to be honest I don't even know how I want to act anymore. I have become like a feather flying through the air. I no longer trust my instincts or even my own thoughts...I am just instantly grabbing ahold of others till eventually everything sounds correct...even things that are opposites...this can't be real.

I understand I am 50, these things I should already know I prefer to think there is a great reason, I pray my best is yet to glow. I know it all sounds crazy, I understand if you think I'm insane, but please understand I have to try

I can't die

wondering