Are you ready?

trigger warning CSA

Suspected for a long time 

but it was hard to ask 

I didn't want to believe it

When we both called him dad

.

I had no frame of reference 

there always was a void  

man of the house was missing

so i filled it up with boys

.

Two jobs meant mom was working late 

so i spent my time alone

I dreamed about the nightmare

of him living in our home

.

He hurt you with his presence 

and the absence he imposed 

was a different kind of pain

because I wanted a dad most 

.

The final strike for violence

‘restraining order’ it was called 

but I was just a four year old

I blamed such a small child 

.

He told me to clean up my toys

but i wanted them all out

the fists bang on the table 

as he starts to scream and shout

.

Cutlery clutters to the floor

as his plate begins to spill

eye level with the table

the memory is still

.

Fast forward through five long years

I flip to the right page

the phone book steady in my hand 

his voice is void of rage 

.

He slurs into the receiver 

as he guesses who I am

I tell him “it’s your daughter”

there's cluttering of cans

.

He couldn’t guess the caller  

so I choose to end the call

your parent doesn’t know your name… 

have you ever felt so small?

.

Now nine has turned to fifteen

it didn’t fade with age 

imagining two parents

as I walk across the stage

.

I gather all my courage

and dial him once again

this time he sounds quite sober

perhaps I’ll erase this pain

.

An uncomfortable coffee

where he drops another bomb

a second woman with his child

at the same time as my mom 

.

He says she wants to meet me

she’s known of me so long 

part of me feels excited 

but should I feel it’s wrong?

.

I agree to meet my sister 

not sure what to expect

she had half my DNA

and yet we’d never met 

.

‘only child’ fades away

I have a sister now

she'd go on to change my life

but I didn’t yet know how

.

Things are breaking down at home

so he tells me to move in

“he abused his oldest daughter”

now let that go sink in

.

I ponder on what to believe

Mom's angry, would she lie?

I’ve waited for eleven years

I think I’d better try

.

Addiction starts to creep in

he sees me at my worst

crying in the passenger seat

as he puts it in reverse

.

He parks at the apartment

and then he grabs my hand

tears while he kisses my lips

I just can’t understand

.

Why when I was crying?

he thought that he would score?

frozen in confusion 

I reach out for the door 

.

Rushing up the stair case 

and then I hear the phone

his voice is on the other line

as I step into my home

.

“I was just comforting you”

“there’s no one you should tell”

I nod my head in silence 

and I become a shell

.

Childhood dreams come crashing down

I wanted this so bad

a dad that gives me comfort

is something I’ll never have

.

And now it’s just a daydream

no longer on the fence 

“you’re prettier than your sister”

it all starts to make sense

.

I no longer take his calls

because I feel dirty now

how could he look at me

as a father on the prowl

.

Fast forward four more years

I try to bring it up

I get right to the point

“so were you ever touched?”

.

Your head begins to shake

before I get out the words

“no, he just was violent”

it sounds like you've rehearsed 

.

Accepting this reluctantly 

your voice is filled with fear

but it’s not my job to pry

when you’re ready, I’ll be here

.

Now five more years have passed

and my phone begins to ring 

I wonder why she’s calling 

and onto the bed I fling 

.

I greet you like I always do 

then your words start to explode

it’s like a dam was broken,

something you couldn’t hold 

.

Out pours years of secrets

mixed with so much shame

when I hung up that call

I’d never be the same 

.

Just the tip of the iceberg

was the worst I had guessed

it sounds like such a dirty word

the police called it “incest”

.

A file number is opened

an order issued for arrest

the video was rolling

and he spoke up and confessed

.

But still he has his rights

so 'not guilty' was the plea

your forced to take the stand

so that he won’t walk free

.

They make you tell the courtroom

all horrible things he did 

How long that it went on

How you were just a kid 

.

I find it deep inside me

I do carry his rage 

but only for this father 

that needs locked up in a cage

.

He plays up his confusion

the lawyer hesitates 

“we’ll order an assessment”

the performance is fake

.

Too painful is the process

the crown says it’s your call

there will be more court dates

you’ll need to be at all 

.

I see him start to exit

as court is now dismissed

i clutch onto the door frame 

I make myself resist 

.

I will myself to hold on

to hold in all this rage

I’m not this hateful person

that he's managed to create

.

Between cement block walls

to live out his last days

i dream about the justice

it’s something that I crave

.

As weeks turn into months

we wait for the next step

but there's never any updates

so under the rug it’s swept

.

Life goes on without him

the photos have been burned

the hole inside me grows

and so does my concern

.

So i dial up the courthouse

and finally there's some news

there was no second court date

it was your right to choose

.

He walks away with freedom

the proceedings have been stayed

I guess it just means nothing?

those charges that were laid?

.

Sometimes the guilt creeps in

when you were only three 

with no restraining order 

that small girl would be me 

.

Sometimes the nightmares wake me

sometimes I just drift back

how often were we left alone?

my memories aren’t intact

.

He’s in a different city 

from where we live our lives 

we protect your baby’s fiercely

take steps to see them thrive 

.

They’ll need not know their grandpa

something they’ll live without

no memories of shattered glass

or hiding by the couch

.

No memories of the innocence

he stole with the abuse

no memories of the guilt and shame

a dark and twisted truth

.

Time to break the cycles

I'd say we've done our best

your bravery shined so bright

when he put you to the test

.

Though we are not unwounded 

there always will be scars

I guess that’s to be expected

because this is really hard

.

Fathers day brings anger

and day 22 of May

we create new traditions

so memories fade away

.

He took my sense of safety 

my trust always runs short 

our final interaction:

will be inside that court 

.

Worse before it's better 

I knew this would be tough

I shoved it down inside me

so that he won't come up 

.

I dip my toe in therapy 

and then I go dry off 

there's no time or money for it

so I just shut out my thoughts

.

Year four since I've seen his face

I think that it is time

back I go to the phonebook

but now I search online 

.

Arriving at the door 

and although I want to hide

I reach to greet my therapist 

and bravely step inside