Sewer Flow

speak to be understood

River my current 

Drowning from the lies 

Played for a puppet 

Pulled Strings,

Angst stomped on my heart 

Drowning red,

Screaming from this flood 

Poverty  

Given all of me 

Played half of you 

Seeing half of me 

Who is really pleased 

Constant motion, why I felt paralyzed

Deceit many cries 

Full tale of thus dust bowl 

Why tell when it gone  

Author's Note

Just quiet time and inspiration

Reviews

[JayG]

For you this makes perfect sense. For you, each line points to experience, images, and all the things that led you to writing this, all stored in your mind. The voice you hear—your voice—is filled with emotion the reader can't know to place there. For that reader, who has no access to your intent, each line points to experience, images, and all the things that led you to write this, all stored in *YOUR* mind. But...you're not there to ask.

I mean no insult, but this type of poem is often called, a dismal damsel poem, and high school lit magazines abound with them, written by those of your age who are learning some hard emotional life-lessons.

But here's the key. Instead of telling the reader how YOU feel, make them feel that way. Your reader doesn't care how you feel because they know nothing about you. They want you to make THEM care and feel, not say, "Aww...poor baby."

And while poetry is a hugely powerful form, there's a LOT to it that's not obvious...but necessary. They have been refining it for centuries, after all.

So, several suggestions:

First, to get a feel, visit the Shmoop site. It's a useful site for all things scholastic. Log in as Student. Then, look for the button next to the mid-page search window, and select Poetry. They have lots of successful poems, of all types, analyzed in depth, to show why and how they worked so well.

And download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's filled with information that will have you saying, "That makes sense. How could I have not seen it for myself?

You'll learn all kind of interesting things about language—things like there being more vowels than you thought. You can download a free PDF copy here:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[renea]

😌no offense taken but I didn't want nobody to feel how I felt so I put what I felt I instead 😊 thxs for the feedback