You.

A Poem by maddy trudel

month to month - the heart will slowly mend itself again.

September 1st, 2013

I can’t believe you asked me to be your girl; I waited for this moment for a while. 2 years ago, I thought you were just another boy. 2 years ago, I never thought that this moment would actually happen. 2 years later, and I am now the happiest and one of the luckiest gals out there. Tonight was the first time I had ever felt light headed and breathless after a kiss. I felt as if I had just won the Olympic gold medal in sprint. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, and awoke with one as well.

October 1^st, 2013

I think I’m really beginning to fall for you, and I have never been so petrified in my life. This feeling is new to me, and I’m not quite sure if I enjoy it. I feel vulnerable and weak all the time, but you make me feel like a child on Christmas morning, or on their birthday. You make my heart beat faster and my head constantly feels light. You make me feel safe, safe enough for me to fall, knowing that you will catch me.

November 1^st, 2013

When you kissed me goodbye tonight, I let my mascara run as I sat on my rug in my bedroom. I think I am in love with you, and I am terrified for the day you love me not. I am terrified for the day that you look at me in my eyes and I no longer see the love and the passion you once had for me. I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster ride. This feeling is so terrifying, yet so addicting. Who knew that you could be so happy that it physically hurts you and petrifies you?

December 1^st, 2013

I still love you, and I am so sorry about all of my faults. Thank you for putting up with me, thank you so much. I know I am very difficult, but I am trying my hardest. I promise babe, I’m trying to create boundaries; I’m trying to change for the better. Don’t give up on me now, I am only getting better. I trust you with my everything, and I love you with everything I possibly could. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you in it anymore. I could never tell you that although, because you’d laugh in my face at the “forever” bullshit.

January 1^st, 2014

A new year, a new year together. You kissed me so sweetly as we wished each other a happy new year. We fell asleep with our legs intertwined, and your arms wrapped around my waist. We kissed each other goodnightat least 50 times before going to bed. My resolution is to make this last no matter what. I hope we spend many more new years together. I love you so much.

February 1^st, 2014

I am so terrified you no longer love me. Please baby, tell me how I can keep this together. I need you. I don’t believe in forever, but I sure believe in us. I want us to last. I can’t picture the stormy nights without you, and the early morning kisses. I have never felt so strongly and deeply about someone before. Please babe, tell me where I went wrong so we can make it right. I love you; please show me you love me too.

March 1^st, 2014

I am so happy to be called yours. And you are mine. It is you and I; hopefully for a long, long while. I don’t recall ever being so happy in my life. You are everything I could ever want in someone. I have never thought of a future with someone prior to you, and now, I’m beginning to understand why so many people believe in forever.

April 1^st, 2014

I can’t believe this is really it. It’s over, and I can’t imagine a day without you in my life. What am I supposed to do without you? I felt my heart shatter as you said those words, and here I am on the bathroom floor sobbing. You taught me that love is sitting in the shower, letting the scorching water burn your skin as you cry hysterically, begging to feel something other than love. Love is begging the person to stay, and them not even looking back as they walk away. You taught me how hard it was to find love, and to keep it, but how easy it was to lose it. I feel broken.

May 1^st, 2014

I have been doing much better since you left me. I bought myself flowers and painted the bedroom the yellow that you hated. It makes my bedroom look very light, and calming. I picked up all of the broken pieces, and began loving myself instead of you. I threw away some of your old things and decided to start running again. Ps. I do still love you; I just simply am no longer in love with you.

June 1^st, 2014

You’ve been crossing my mind lately, but he helps me forget about you. He treats me the opposite of how you treated me, and I don’t think I like it. I learned that there is in fact a difference between f*****g and making love. After I fucked emotionlessly, I lied in my bed numbly and thought about your soft skin pressed up against mine as we both moaned I love you. He doesn’t eat cheesecake, and he hates McDonald’s. I hope your new girlfriend has the same taste as you. I hope you’re doing well with her, and I hope she makes you happy.

July 1^st, 2014

I miss you terribly. I can’t stop crying, or thinking about you. I never thought that I would still be hurt by you. I need you more than ever, but you aren’t around anymore. Where are you? How have you been? I wonder if I ever cross your mind…Probably not, but I guess it was just a nice little thought. You were everything I ever wanted, why couldn’t I be everything you wanted?

August 1^st, 2014

We started speaking again, but you still have her, and here I am, still in love with you. As much as I miss you, I’m glad we are speaking, I’m glad I have you in my life, although we aren’t even friends. We are merely strangers with memories together. I sit in my bed at night often, and find myself reminiscing about you, and everything we did together, what we did for one another. You were truly great, and I am petrified I never find someone who fits me quite as well as you once did. I hope you’re happy, because that is all I want for you. I’ m sorry I wasn’t the one to keep you happy.

September 1^st, 2014

Today would have been our one year anniversary. I have been anxious all day, and everything I have done has reminded me of you somehow. I want to call you, and tell you that I miss you, and see if you remember what day it is. I bought myself expensive wine and cheap cigarettes, both of which are finished. Perhaps it’s the alcohol that wants to call you, or perhaps it is I, the hopeless little girl. Sometimes I miss you a lot, and sometimes I miss you less, just like some days it hurts a lot, and some days I feel nothing at all. Point being is; I constantly miss you. How pathetic right? We’ve been broken up for quite some time, but how can you simply give up on someone who showed you what it was like to experience fireworks in your heart? I’m trying so damn hard to try and forget you, but every time I get close to doing so, you somehow manage to pop back into my life, even if it is only for an hour. One day, I’m going to wake up, and I won’t miss you anymore, I won’t wake up wishing that it was your heartbeat I was listening to at night.

October 1^st, 2014

We’re friends again. I didn’t think we would ever be able to be friends again. I adore being your friend, but every time I see you, every time I say goodbye, I know that there is the possibility of it being our last goodbye. You claim you aren’t with her, but god, I know that it isn’t true. I never thought that I would still be so stuck on you, but it seems as if no matter how hard I try, I can’t get over you. I kissed someone sober for the first time since you. Sure, I had another guy for a little while after you, but not once did I touch him when I was sober. I cried when I kissed this boy. I cried so hard that he left because he couldn’t grasp what he did. Truth is, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and how it should have been you. I can’t go to a family event without everyone asking where you are, and how you’re doing. I’m getting better now though; I don’t cry anymore when they ask. I just smile and tell them we’re just friends. It’s hard because we have never been just friends…I need to learn to let go, but I simply cannot until you tell me to do so. It’s almost like you enjoy the fact that I have a hole the size of Pluto in my heart.

November 1^st, 2014

I am going f*****g insane. No matter what I do- you’re on my mind. I’ve convinced myself that liquor tastes just as wonderful as the taste of your lips " and although I know that your lips are the best thing to have ever touched mine " I know that your lips will never come across mine again. I adore that we are friends again, but god, do I ever miss the goodbye’s that contained kisses- soft, gentle, playful, rough, foolish kisses. The kisses that we couldn’t get enough of. I remember that night that you came over just because you wanted a kiss from me. Now, the luckiest I get is to sit near you, to inhale your cologne for the brief moment, and reminisce about our past, and how our goodbye’s at one point were extended because neither of us ever wanted to say goodnight. I keep ignoring the men who show me any form of attention because although some of them are great, they don’t compare to you. It isn’t f*****g fair how I look at someone and find bits of you in them. It isn’t fair to them, or to me. What happens if I never fall out of love with you? Why haven’t I been able to let go despite the fact that you let go months ago? Please tell me you miss me too. Please tell me that I mean something to you, or that I once did.

December 1st, 2014

It's funny how after all of these months that have passed - I have yet to forget about the way you made me feel. You melted the ice castle that surrounded my heart, and you let a wildfire occur. I do still love you, and I am terrified that I always will, however, I have newly grown to accept that you aren't coming back. Whilst I'm crying out your name in my bed, wishing you'd come back home to me, she's moaning out your name. The alcohol that I've been consuming helps me forget about you momentarily, however, it seems like the more I drink, the more I wish you were here to comfort me, to tell me that I'm being silly. Whenever a new boy wants to taste the alcohol on my lips, I think of how you only wanted to taste them sober. You loved me for who I was, but now, I don't even know who I've become. I fear that I will drop whomever, whatever, whenever for you, even though you wouldn't even drop a minute of your time for me. I am a clustered mess, and the only person who ever wanted to help me clean up my mind was you. I miss you.

January 1^st, 2015

I never thought that I’d be with you again. I never thought that your soft lips would touch mine again. I never thought I’d lie wrapped up in your arms, whilst you called me baby. I never thought I’d be yours again. The issue is, as much as I adore being yours once again, I can’t help but feel that there is something missing- your feelings towards me. I can’t help but think that you don’t truly want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me. A brand new year, and not much has changed. Months and months of begging for you to come back, and you finally did. And I, still the naïve little girl. Still the heartbroken one, still the one with no power. It’s New Year’s, and I lie here on the wooden floor, in pain from this hangover and this heartache. I tried calling you to give you my best for the New Year, but you were too occupied. You still have my heart, my attention, everything I could possibly give you, but I, I have nothing but your word, and I’m not sure if I trust it as much as I once did. I can’t help but feel that I made a mistake. I do still feel for you the way I once did, and I still care, but I also care about myself, and the feelings I have. I toss and turn whilst you sleep sound. You’re going away with her and I’ll be left for two weeks without you, two weeks for me to think, and for you to feel. I’ll miss you, but I don’t think you’ll miss me, and that is what is truly tearing me apart. I don’t think I’m still supposed to feel heartbroken when I can call you mine again " or can I?

February 1^st, 2015

Who would’ve thought that during one month, that so much would have changed? I never thought I would gain enough courage to leave you in the past where you truly belonged. I still care about you, however, you simply do not. I learned that when you continued to choose her over me, when you had the nerve to ignore me for weeks. Weeks without you, truly aided me to see you for who you really were. A good guy, whom simply just no longer cared for me the way you said you did. Because truth is, if you care about someone, you don’t put them as a last priority, you don’t choose every other girl over them. I learned that as much as I did love you, I was more in love with the memory of you, the idea of what we used to be. We both changed, and grew, but in different paths. I thought I would find comfort in you again, however, I found comfort in myself. I cannot thank you enough for being in my life for three years, and I cannot thank you enough for helping me realize that although you and I were no longer good for one another, that I deserve better, that I deserve someone who cares for me as much as I care for them. I never thought that I would stop loving you, and stop thinking about you daily, but truth is, you barely ever come across my mind. We are now merely strangers with memories, and for the first time ever I am okay. I hope you’re happy with her, because I truly am happy without you.

March 1^st, 2015

I haven't thought about you much recently, except for the other day when I was at a cheesecake restaurant and thought how much you would enjoy what I was having. That's when it hit me, you really are gone for good. My sheets still smell like your cologne, perhaps it's time I invest in new sheets. I got drunk and almost called you the night I left the restaurant to tell you how great the cheesecake was, then I realized, I couldn't anymore. Your name rolls off my tongue now, it no longer stings the way it had. I haven't cried over you in a little while, and to be honest, it's the best feeling I have had in a long long while. I hope you're doing well, I hope I cross your mind sometimes, and you think of the last time you slept over, when your mouth touched mine, when we lied in bed together and you held me. I hope it burns, that the one person who loved you most, no longer does. That the person whom was always there for you, will only be there in a time of panic, no longer whenever you please. I'm sorry this is the way it ended once and for all.

April 1^st, 2015

We haven't spoken in over a month now. I've been thinking about you more than I should be, especially because I know, that you haven't thought about me once. I checked up on your social media, to see how you were doing, it seems as if you have found someone new, someone who makes you feel a way you never have before...at least, that's what you said. It stung, and I cried. I cried for an hour, clutching on to the stuffed animal you bought me. She makes you feel a way I never could, and I wish, I just wish, you missed me a little. It hurts to know that I wasn't good enough for you, that she can fulfill everything you ever wanted. It hurts that it's her and not me. Your birthday is coming up soon, and I hope to god that she does something spectacular for you because as much as you hurt me, you still deserve it. It's one year since we have been broken up, and every day that I think it gets better, eventually, the waves come crashing down, and I am left feeling like something is missing, and that something is you. I just wish things could have been different. I wish that I could stop f*****g thinking about you all the goddamn time.

May 1^st, 2015

I saw you today for the first time in months, and at first, it felt like nothing had changed. That we were still the friends we were three years ago, that we had never stopped speaking. You held me, and play flirted, and that's when I stopped to think, things are different. You are not mine anymore, I am not yours. This isn't what friendship is. Can we ever truly be friends again? I had begun to forget about you entirely, until you called, until I dropped everything to see you, and to be with you. I realized, maybe I do still care. I haven't been able to get you out of my head since you left, and the feelings I thought were beginning to diminish, came back. Not entirely. I am glad I no longer love you, however, I do still care about you, I would drop everything to see you still, and if you wanted to be with me, I would probably want to be with you as well. It f*****g sucks because you only want me when it's convenient for you, when it's on your time, your terms. I want to be in charge, I need to take control, but if I do, I lose you entirely. I hate this f*****g game that we play. Can we stop? I'm getting tired and need to know what it is we're doing. What are your intentions? I can't keep doing this.

December 1st, 2015

Quite some time has passed. We parted ways, although we still talk occasionally, I never would've thought we'd be so civil. It feels almost as if we were always just friends. I have a new man in my life, and you, I think you're better off alone. I remember when I thought I'd never be able to let go, that I'd love you forever, how naïve for me to think that way. Here I am now, better off than I ever was, wiser, and stronger. I cannot help but thank you for helping me realize that I am a star, and no one should ever attempt to burn out my light.